Ezra's Blog

Home Taping Is Killing Music!

2012-01-24T07:22:00.001+08:00

Once upon a time, there was an industry group that went all out against tape-recording FM radio. They said it would kill record sales. They were wrong.

“One thing that we have learned is that piracy is not a pricing issue. It’s a service issue,"
“The easiest way to stop piracy is not by putting antipiracy technology to work. It’s by giving those people a service that’s better than what they’re receiving from the pirates.” - Gabe Newell, founder, Valve (owner of the STEAM service).

MegaUpload is dead. The repercussions to the online ecosystem of filesharing is huge, with cloud storage services reeling from the aftermath. Filesonic has gone 100% private (only uploaders can download their own files) while Uploaded.to has completely blocked US ip addresses.

The RIAA and MPAA have done it again. MegaUpload was profitable because bandwidth in this day and age is very cheap. Instead of rising to the challenge and providing legal alternatives, they have failed the industry as a whole and created alot of bad press about themselves. They lobbied their cause based on fraudulent, rediculous malrepersentations of the value of the work they claimed to represent. Case in point: In 2008, they valued each piece of media in a case against ThePirateBay at $382,353. Ok, so they only had 34 examples of copyright infringement in their lawsuit, but by extension, that would mean that throughout its existance, The Pirate Bay has stolen roughly 382 trillion. That's 382,000 billion... or 382,000,000 million, or 382,000,000,000,000. The total amount of dollars in existance is only around $10 trillion, and includes all the money in banks, investments, cash and coins.

So they went out of their way, and successfully lobbied the government to use brute force to takedown MegaUpload and even extradite a young kid who ran TVShack, a link sharing blog. Extradition by the way is usually reserved for criminals. All without SOPA or PIPA.

I dont support what MegaUpload or TVShack did, but the response was incomprehensible. What happened to the players in the financial crisis? Their business were not terminated (eg bringing a website down terminates it) and their properties were not seized! They got a fucking bailout while their execs retired on multimillion dollar bonuses from the previous year!

Guilty Before Trial?

Wasnt the United State of America all about liberty and the right to trial? What happened to innocent until proven guilty? Any half decent lawyer can come up with a convincing 76 page document about why X or Y is guilty if X or Y had no opportunity to defend themselves.

This wasnt some murder case where the defendants had to be locked away pending trial. We're talking about geeks here. Computer nerds. Flamboyant nerds none the less but nobody has been charged with hurting a fly. Taxpayer money was spent on an armed assault on a luxury mansion. Yup, NZ taxpayer money was spent for two helicopters worth of police to swarm the mansion. Now this isnt exactly a drug lord were talking about here... they were after a computer geek. Kim Dotcom (Megaupload's founder) was a bit big even by couch potato standards, but two swat teams? seriously?

The Megaupload and TVShack cases set a dangerous precedent. You could get extradited to the US and face 5 years in jail for sharing a Michael Jackson song. The guy who killed MJ got only 4 years.

The Future of Media

Has piracy really harmed revenue as the RIAA and MPAA claim? No. People still buy physical media, and online sales on sites such as Amazon and iTunes have been exploding. These sites acknowledge that DRM is a waste of time and give customers free-to-copy versions of songs. A smart move that helped the industry grow as a whole.

Customers will always be looking for convenience when downloading media. The creative industry needs to get it's head out of the clouds and look at the reality of a future whereby bandwidth is cheap. Sure, price a HD-DVD or Bluray 1080p triple A rated 3D movie at $49.90. But there is no reason why you couldnt also have an internet streamed / downloaded DRM-less version of the movie at SDTV resolution available for $5 bucks a pop - a price that many consumers will pay for the sheer convenience, and not everyone is a HD snob.

Having downloadable movies will not change the fact that I will still take my girlfriend out to the movies to enjoy the big screen and popcorn! It will not change the fact that I will get a Bluray movie to enjoy my new 50" plasma.

Killing Off The Middlemen

It's time to revolutionize digital distribution. Do what iTunes and Amazon did for music. Do what Valve and it's STEAM service did for games - they made more money selling games cheaply than pricing it high. They completely cut off the middleman and gave more back to content creators. Kill The Labels, end the RIAA/MPAA... there is no need to waste money on political lobbying and SWAT raids.

I really hope a service like STEAM will come in and revolutinize media distribution, giving the proverbial finger to the the RIAA and MPAA... directly connecting consumers with creators of media.

As technology improves, it will become cheaper and cheaper to produce media in general, making labels even less necessary. I see a future in which independant production houses liase directly with consumers via content agregator services. Less money in the pockets of lobbyists and lawyers. Cheaper media downloaded at my convenience for a reasonable price.

But but... jobs will be lost!

Artists will continue doing their thing... selling their brand (Britney Spears parfum anyone?) and performing live shows. It's where they have always gotten alot of their income. Sure a decline in CD/DVD sales will mean that an artist may have to fly first class instead of having a personal jet, but nobody's fussed about that. Having a free distribution of media would also mean lesser known artists will not be so inundated by the well known ones.

The real jobs that would be lost are the ones that are invested in the RIAA/MPAA. The executives, lawyers, and people in the industry not actually creating media!

The Aftermath

I speculate that nothing's really going to change even after the file-locker services are curtailed. Filestube may become irrelevant, but other than that, despite the RIAA and MPAA claims that piracy is causing a great deal of loss to content creators, _THE ACTUAL AMOUNT CONSUMERS SPEND ON MEDIA IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE MUCH_. Face it, media is something people consume with spare cash...and killing off a source of pirated media wouldnt force these people to buy media. If anything, less people will become media buffs...which is bad... and is the reason why music artists are so desperate to get their music videos out to the public for free (think FM radio and youtube).

A movie on Filestube is not going to change the number of times I go to the movies with friends. A lot of media is already available freely online, legally, via services such as Hulu and Youtube/VEVO. Musicians will continue to make money by performing their art and selling their brand/licensing... not by selling CD's!

At best, the pirates will be pushed underground, and at the end of the day, high quality HD rips of movies will still be available for those who try hard enough to get them.

Fridge w Freezer For Sale AU$80

2012-01-05T16:53:00.000+08:00

Samsung Fridge.

In full working order. Ice box works well (too well, in fact... I'd advise you not to put veggies on the top rack as it freezes occasionally).

Fridge will be cleaned before it is sold to you.

The only flaw i can think of is a minor cosmetic defect on the R side of the fridge. Scratched it on a wall when I was moving rooms last summer.

My new place this year has a fridge and I have no need for this one.

Location: Roberts Hall, Monash Residential, 3610 Clayton VIC.
Call Ezra 0433597868 ezralimm $$$at$$$ gmail ^^^dot^^^ com

Jamestown. DIVINE difficulty.

2012-01-02T05:01:00.000+08:00

Completing Jamestown on DIVINE Difficulty.

Jamestown is one of the best games I have ever played. It is made for multiplayer, with great game mechanics, scaling difficulty levels, and an epic...epic soundtrack.

Crazy Wings: The Second Encounter

2011-12-29T03:33:00.000+08:00

720p available^

Finished one whole winglet.... Phew. Nigel's eyebrows kept twitching and i dont think he even noticed hahaha.

So... I tried Crazy Wings

2011-12-19T16:37:00.002+08:00

So.. Eddy told me he could eat four of these.

Reasonable Pro Photography

2011-12-16T08:23:00.001+08:00

I have a great respect for photographers. It's tough, often under appreciated work. Being an amateur photographer, I used to take lots of pictures with a DSLR myself and snapping pictures for events (way back in 2007). People do not see the amount of time spent on the post-processing of images and think it's all about running around with a big camera taking pictures (how fun!). In fact, you'll be spending just as much time or more post-processing as you will taking pictures. It's one of the reasons why I havent used my DSLR in awhile. Alltogether, it takes alot of man-hours to take pictures. In addition to that, professional gear does cost quite a bit. The cameras are the least expensive part of the operation - a set of fast f/2.8 lenses could easily set you back $10,000. Any decent photographer will also invest alot of money in lighting (diffusers, lightboxes, wireless flashs etc. Photography is all about light!). Include the cost of transport and equipment, and you could start to see why professional photography costs alot.

After the jump: Examples; Breaking down the price; Example of an overpriced service.

Let's take a simple wedding event for example. For $2550, MMPhotos Sydney would cover an entire day-long wedding event [8 hrs] with two photographers. They will take 100pics/hr, post-process the images, and provide two 8x12" (8R) prints for free. They also provide a DVD with all the hi-res images. The post-processing could easily take 6 hours to complete

That is, believe it or not, a reasonable price. It involves roughly 25 hours of work (post-processing is a real bitch, believe me.).

~8 hrs covering the event (x2 photographers)
~10 hrs post-processing.

This works out to roughly $100 per hour of work done. Now subtract the cost of equipment, and you're probably looking at around a decent $60/hr salary for the photographers. Jobs are not very frequent and it's not like there are weddings every single day of the week, so while it may seem high, it's reasonable as it is effectively part time work.

What About Portrait Photography?

The same rules for postprocessing applies. In fact, trying to get a hi-resolution image looking great can be quite time consuming in Photoshop and you know your customers will scrutinize their portraits! So what is the market offering?

For $300, Harrison Photography offers 1.5 hours of time with a photographer in a studio (more pictures means more to cherry pick from later), a CD with at least 35 pictures, eight 5R (5x7") prints, and 2 8R (8x10") prints. The 8R prints will need significant retouching as even minor flaws (defects) become painfully obvious.

Well, everyone knows that it's really cheap to print photos, and in this day and age, it is also important to be able to upload images to the internet. For $300 Sydney Photo Studio offers professional hair styling and makeup, allows for outfit changes, and retouches three hi-resolution images that are then provided to the customer on CD. It's bloody cheap to print photos and you can make as many copies as you want.

For $300, Inspired Photography will come down to your location with their mobile studio, spend an hour with you, and provide you a CD with 15 retouched images.

These are all very reasonable prices. The photographers would be earning around ~$100 per hour of work. They dont get work every single hour of the day so it's reasonable, decent work.

Business Ethics 101: Why Monopoly Is Bad

There was only one photography studio taking pictures on graduation day. How such a monopoly was allowed to happen escapes me.

$30 for a sitting fee is reasonable. It's roughly 15 minutes of work to capture the raw images.

But guess how much they charge for a CD of non-postprocessed/non-retouched images. $300. Yes. $300 for a CD of all the images taken in 15 minutes. Yes, they need to cover transport, equipment, wages, etc... But still you're talking about $200+ per hour of work. Something is very wrong here.

And unlike other photography jobs, the graduation photos are taken in succession. There is literally a queue of people taking photos.

Piracy Is Not Theft

2011-12-11T12:06:00.001+08:00

Before we get started let me just say that I am not consciously taking any sides in this debate.

I would just like to highlight an oft quoted misconception that piracy is theft/stealing. Piracy is not theft. Period. In the same way an orange is not a pomelo. Piracy is piracy. Im not saying it's right or wrong, but it is definitely not theft.

So what exactly is piracy? Well, the image below is pirated. I did not create that image. I copied it off google images that in turn sourced it from a blog that in turn sourced it from a website that in turn relied on users uploading to imgur (a photo hosting site). I have no idea who the author/creator of the image was despite trying pretty hard to find the source. And in reality the person who made the demotivational poster is unlikely to be the one who drew the illustrations anyway. So many levels deep...inception!

(full article w video and links after the jump)
Is piracy ok? By definition, no. Because it still decreases the value of the original work. So someone copied your car. Imagine if everyone does that. Your car becomes worthless after awhile as the market is flooded with copies.

That said, music piracy is another issue all together. Artists (musicians, singers) have always wanted consumers to listen to their music. Heck, radio gets paid to broadcast songs. Artists have also embraced having their works disseminated over the internet via sites like youtube. VEVO streams HD videos of many popular songs. We're talking completely legitimate 152kbps AAC audio for free. People who spend under $AU1000 for their audio setup generally cant distinguish 152kbps AAC with the original CD recording. It's that good.

Artists make money from their songs being popular. While it's true that some profits come from record sales (which are dwindling due to the explosion in online sales eg iTunes), most artists make the bulk of their revenue from live performances, licensing (eg. songs for commercials), and product endorsements (beats by Dre anyone?). Artists do not make much from CD's sold at music stores! They only get $0.30 to $0.70 for each ~$20 CD you purchase! If you are buying a CD, you are supporting large corporations and music labels... not the artists themselves! Want to support your favourite artist? Buy CD's/downloads direct from them online if possible... or go for their concerts/gigs.

STOP BUYING CD'S FROM MUSIC STORES

So why is the RIAA shitting bricks over songs shared online? Well it's simple. They get their profits from record/CD sales. Which for all intents and purposes is a dying medium for music in the 21st century.

What do I mean? Well, go to http://www.filestube.com/ and search for whatever song or artist you like. That is what the RIAA is up against. Ironically, most music you will find from there are inferior (128-192kbps mp3) in quality to the perfectly legitimate youtube videos carrying high quality 152kbps AAC sound.

It's good to see artists embracing technology as another medium and moving on. The future is going to involve the lowering of prices, with a much higher cut going directly to the artist. For a great example of how this works, check out Lakefield, an indie band from Canada. They literally let you pay as much as you think their music is worth to download directly from them. Most people will pay more than $1... which is more than they could ever hope to get from a music label selling their album.

Imagine paying $5 for an album directly purchased from an artist. That's pure profit in the hands of the artist, as opposed to the $0.50 that goes to the artist when you spend up $30 at the music store.

Recording music used to be terribly expensive and necessitated financial assistance from music labels... but not anymore. With a minimal budget, you could record top quality sound from your mum's basement. Audacity is free. Production quality sound recording equipment is not cheap, but not nearly as expensive as it used to be. A capable setup can be had for under $5000. Here's an example:

Stay tuned =)

In the future we will talk about piracy in games.

Where To Now?

2011-12-10T19:58:00.001+08:00

This blog has not been touched for awhile. In all fairness it has been a pretty busy year. I've also been devoting my time to The Intern Dossier Project, which has recently hit 40 pages. I guess I'll be completing it over the coming year.

So what's in store for 2012?

Most importantly, the quality of articles posted from now on will be of a much higher standard than before. There are alot of things I want to write about. Tangential learning, fractional reserve banking, the misinformation surrounding abortion and STDs, piracy etc.

Cosmetically, this site is getting a minor refresh to make it more simple and aesthetically streamlined. The blogger platform has finally been updated to allow proper 1:1 display of images. Images will no longer be from photobucket and there is going to be a widescreen trend as I snap pictures in 16:9, or movies for that matter, like the recent graduation video.

Graduation

2011-12-10T00:18:00.001+08:00

Click Here to view HD version.

Why I Did Not Get An Iphone

2011-04-04T06:42:00.010+08:00

This is the first time in 4 years i am spending money on a phone (had always got a phone with a plan for free). Picked up a Nokia N8 off ebay for AU$400 (RM1200). Still with the original screen protector on it. At first I almost thought it was a rip off. The phone kept crashing. I'd turn on the GPS and viola... crash. Crash crash crash. five times in a day it would restart. It took me one hour just to install one app. Yes, nokia's software team should be lined up and shot.. one by one. Really awesome hardware was being held back by buggy software! I've heard alot about how crappy nokia software support was but wasnt prepared for this. Ovi suite (nokia's sync software) had trouble detecting the phone, stalled during some installations, was unresponsive most of the time, and was just bloody slow.

After a day of disappointment, I finally figured out what was wrong - the phone's memory was corrupted. A quick factory reset and flash restored everything to normal. Phone became instantly more responsive and hasnt crashed so far, even on GPS... which tracks impressively fast just like a normal car GPS - even with network assist switched off (!!!).

I cant believe the number of people who asked me why I chose the N8 over say an iPhone or HTC. Well... here's why:

I expect to know the time when i glance at my phone. Some older phones had transreflective passive LCD's on the outside that showed this...but they were dark and hard to see at some angles. The N8 has a permanently-on clock screensaver. Yes, an illuminated clock all the time on standby. The OLED screen is brilliant - only white pixels use energy! You can talk about how the Retina (iPhone) display has lots of pixels, but it fails at this one very practical use of a phone. And at normal viewing distances (*not squinting) and just about all applications excluding ebooks (which i dont read anyway on puny phone screens), having a high density screen is simply moot/irrelevant.

I walk into the common room, it's a friday night. The songs on the radio are all dance tunes. Hmm, I can pop out my phone and start playing Muse via the FM transmitter to share the love. The FM transmitter really works and is quite amazing. It's so retro, but extremely convenient. Being able to stream your tunes when you walk into a friend's car is really nice.

Talking about music, I've got around 46gb of storage for my media (16gb + 32gb micro SD). Yup. That's right :) AU$400 for a 48gb phone.

Why so much storage? Well my music library is going on my phone. Unlike apple products (i've owned iPods and an iPad), transferring music is a simple drag and drop procedure. Yes, drag and drop from windows explorer. If my computer dies and I need to copy my music to a new hard drive, all i need to do is hook up my phone and copy/paste! iPod/iPad/iPhone users are out of luck if their comp dies - you cannot recover files from your device. So yeah, my phone is now my music backup device too!

I've only got around 10gb of music... so what the heck am i going to do will all that storage? Muahahahaha. That's where my time killers are gonna come to play. The N8 supports divx, h264, avi, flash, and rmb (realmedia) videos out of the box. Download. Copy/paste. Done. Simple and easy. So yeah the N8 handles videos without fuss unlike iOS. It's almost like having a VLC player on the go. It's just so amazingly awesome for playing downloaded videos. With iOS (ipod/ipad/iphone), you need to recompress just about every downloaded video and the whole process is tedious and slow. Apple even forces you to use the increasingly bloated (resource heavy) iTunes software to transfer videos to your iOS device. I have an iPad and it's terrible for playing downloaded videos. Even more impressive is the fact that the N8 comes with HDMI output! Yup, i can connect my phone to any modern flatscreen TV!

Talking about copy/paste, the N8 supports USB drives. Pendrives. No kidding. It comes with a USB adaptor for transferring files. Guess i'll keep the small cable in my bag when I go to work. If anyone wants to pass me anything it's easy. The N8 also supports pdf's and word documents out of the box. I can even snap a picture and transfer it to my friend's usb pendrive. How awesome is that? USB keyboards work with it too!

And of course, the main reason I chose the N8 over it's competitors: The camera. For the first time in history a cameraphone actually stands up against dedicated digital cameras. Essentially:

f/2.8 28mm Zeiss prime lens
38mm sq sensor (vs 8mm sq on the iPhone4)
Xenon flash with infrared focus assist.

The large sensor and bright prime lens makes this _the_ only phone that can take reasonably good pictures at night in dim light...say at a fancy restaurant. I can pull out my phone and take pictures to capture the ambiance without having to use flash. And since we are talking about flash, the N8 also has a dedicated xenon flash with infrared focus assist - unlike the puny LED flash on most other phones. This means you could shoot group photo of people in a completely dark room with no problems. The 28mm focal length also makes candid photos a breeze because it's wide enough. Megapixels dont matter. I shoot at only 3mp indoors (9mp outdoors!) even though the phone has a 12mp camera. Ever wondered why those professionally recorded VEVO music videos on youtube look so good even at 320p (244x320 = 0.07mp)?? While the so-called-720-HD video on your new cellphone looks like crap? It's because megapixels arent all that matter. 1080 HD video only runs at 2 megapixels. Anyhow, the massive sensor (by cellphone standards) and bright prime lens means more light gets captured for each pixel. In other words, it has much better dynamic range (difference between black and white) than it's competitors. This means more realistic images and video... unlike the (digitally compensated) oversaturated pictures and whitewashed/dull videos you get on the iphone4. The N8 records at 720p, but i only record at standard definition (VGA = 0.3mp) because it's pointless on a small sensor (even though it's the biggest sensor in a cellphone!).

Even at 320p (244x320 / 0.07megapixels), the N8 video just looks so much better. Scale up to 720p on the video above and you will not really notice much difference. That's why 720p on small sensors is a pointless waste of file space.

The icing on the cake is that the N8 comes with a good stereo - yes, stereo - microphone. I thought it was a gimmick but it's not. The stereo mic really does add a dimension to home videos, especially when listening with headphones.

The people over at mynokiablog even compared the N8 to a dedicated digital camera - the Canun ixus 130. They took a 9megapixel shot from a N8 and compared it to a 10megapixel shot from an Ixus 130. Guess what, the results speak for themselves. The Zeiss prime lens is capable of resolving the fine detail needed for hi-res shots!

^Original Picture

^100% zoomed in

And there we have it. In a nutshell. Why I chose the N8 over the iPhone. There are other reasons as well... but I dont really bother as a phone is a phone to me and I only really ever use my phone to make calls, send texts and take pictures and videos for memories. I took more pictures on my crappy cellphone camera the whole of last year than I did on my DSLR and Point and Shoot combined. That says alot. So I invested in an N8...that has already captured priceless memories in it's first three days of use.

Symbian may be dying in three years time but I dont care. In those three years I will be snapping away. Besides, any Android phone purchased now would be outdated in three years anyway as it is rapidly evolving.

THE SALE BEGINS!

2011-03-14T09:08:00.015+08:00

Nikon DSLR Kit
New Price: ~AU$1400 (note price of lenses DO NOT depreciate much)
Offer Price: AU600 for a camera, two lenses and a bag. What a steal!
Just The 70-300mm macro: AU$190. Mint condition. Nikon F mount. DX.
Just The 18-70mm lens: AU$150.

Consisting of a D70, 17-70mm wide-normal lens, and 70-300mm telephoto with macro (closeups) capability. FREE lowepro DSLR bag included. Perfect for anyone interested in using a DSLR. Everything is in good working order, the telephoto is barely used.

Nikon 18-70mm f/3.5-4.5G ED IF AF-S DX Nikkor
This lens sells for US$459 on Amazon.com (google it!). Crazysales.com.au has it for AU$390. It's a very good wideangle to medium zoom lens. Im not going to say much. Just google Nikon 18-70 and read up about it. It's one of the nikon lenses with a metal mount and gold lettering.

Sigma 70-300mm Telephoto with Macro
http://www.amazon.com/Sigma-70-300mm-4-5-6-Telephoto-Cameras/dp/B000ALLMI8
4/5 stars of 170 user reviews.
This is a very popular, reliable, telephoto lens made by Sigma. It can also do macro, which is a boon if you are into shooting really small things. It sells for AU$250 on amazon.

The Toploader Zoom is one of the most popular DSLR bags made by Lowepro, a well established camera bag maker. MSRP: AU$44.95
4.5/5 stars @ bhphoto (link)
4.5/5 stars @ amazon (link)

Nikon D70
It's a legendary camera. It was one of the first DSLRs to become really really popular - for a reason. This 6mp shooter will take better pictures than your 14mp digital camera simply because it has a bigger sensor and much much less noise. It can shoot comfortably indoors without flash at a wide angle (18mm) using the included kit lens (18-70mm). I need not explain any further... See the reviews for yourself. Google "D70 reviews" or click the links below:

The cheapest ones (in good working condition) on amazon/ebay are around AU$200 currently at market prices. When released it was around AU$1100. (amazon link). Very experienced photographers rave about it. "The Nikon D70 is the second best digital camera I've ever owned. I love my D70 to death." (Thom Hogan's D70 Review) (Ken Rockwell's D70 Review) "Highly Recommended" by dpreview (link)

*all lenses have been used with filters at all times. (read: they are immaculate and not scratched in any way.). Note the bag included is dark military green not black.

Samsung NV15. (10 megapixels)
4.5/5 stars @ dpreview (http://www.dpreview.com/reviews/specs/Samsung/samsung_nv15.asp)
9/10 user rating @ cnet australia (http://www.cnet.com.au/samsung-nv15-339283194.htm)

This is one sexy camera covered in black anodized aluminium (like the ipod nano) and etched metal around the lens. A nice handgrip and well placed shutter button makes it a nice camera to hold.

New condition, barely used. I'll throw in a free 2GB Kingston memory card as well.

MSRP AU$549.00
Selling Price: AU$200.00.

Shopping Trolley. Similar to one above but made of chromed steel instead of plastic and has heavy duty rubber wheels. Similar nylon bag like above. Bag is detachable for storage and the trolley can be folded flat.

Paid AU$50.00
Offer AU$20.00

- Sold To The Best Offer -

There And Back Again

2011-01-03T05:50:00.004+08:00

by ~~Bilbo Baggins~~ Ezra Limm

This is my first blog post in a very long while. The year is now 2011. So much has come to pass I do not know where to begin. I feel like I have gone full circle - having lived through and experienced the two major paradigms of humanity - that of religionism (highschool years) and hedonism (university years).

The past four years have really opened my eyes and made me far more mature of mind. Just as I had almost been consumed by zealous, bigoted religionism in my middle highschool (form 3/year 9) days; I had almost been consumed by freewheeling hedonism in Melbourne.

There was once a time when bigoted ideals nearly distracted me from academia. This time around, hedonistic/social pursuits meant that I never opened a book throughout the entire fourth year of Medicine. Yes, hanging out with people eats time like no other. My placement in psychiatry (the last of four rotations) ended five days before the final exams and that was when I started revising. In the end I had to sit for supplementary papers as although I had passed, my results were too borderline for the faculty to say they were not caused by random chance. By some miracle, I passed, and I am very thankful for that.

Social deprevation I faced when I was anorexic a few months back made me realize that I need to put some serious mental effort into engaging other people more - but until I could find the inner motivation to do so, that will not happen. Having a good diet, enough sleep and exercise helps with this regard and makes me more outgoing and engaging. Hence, I will have to focus on these core issues if my plan to improve my social wellbeing were to succeed. - 2nd Oct 2008, Be A Man.

Psychiatry, my last rotation, gave me very valuable insight into my own mental health. I now have good reason to believe that for much of my years in Melbourne (2007-2009), I was suffering from major depression. I had difficulty sleeping, trouble keeping food down (anorexia to 45kg), lost interest in many things such as badminton and socializing, felt hopeless (at times I wondered what's the point of studying medicine!), felt terribly lethargic (often not coming out of my room on weekends...at all!). Ok I never contemplated suicide, but still... I had just about all the criteria for major depression. The anorexia that I have blogged about quite abit was just the tip of the iceberg. Reading past blog posts, I realize that I had discovered mental first aid on my own - Exercise, Sleep, Friends (Socializing), and Nutrition [See Be A Man]. It started as an attempt to combat anorexia, but turned out to be so much more. I've learnt the hard way how even with all the material support in the world, one could be very very unhappy; for the human body, mind and soul are all connected.

Do I regret 2010? Not at all. 2010 was one of the best years of my life. It all started innocently enough, with my hospital placements taking up alot of my time on weekdays. Nights and weekends were spent socializing - something I had neglected throughout much of my university life. At the expense of doing well at university, I had gained something priceless and intangible: friends. Now I can think of a quite a number of people I would not hesitate to call if I broke a leg (my definition of a real friend).

Even more importantly than that (mind the hyperbole), extremely ingrained pessimistic thoughts have started to come apart. It's hard to explain but I'll try with an analogy. Let's say a neighbour from my block in the Halls (i dont know very well) called and asks for a lift back from the train station at night when there were no buses. In 2007 my response would have been a flat out "sorry, please take a taxi". I would be thinking that people would start "using me" for my car etc etc. I would fear people would get reliant on me, and think of the time needed to fetch them. In 2010 my response would be "yeah sure thing dude.". I would think of having a break from being holed up in my room. I would look forward to having a nice chat in the car. It's a very different outlook on life that words simply cannot express. Many fears ended up being complete bullshit; and using the analogy above, people never really become reliant on you no matter how often you give them a ride - it's embarassing to do so in the first place and it somehow it just doesnt happen. Quite the contrary, people are grateful and the social karma gained is priceless.

The 14th of August 2010 was a very special day. Lake. Stars. Night. Ducks(!). The scent of sweet corn. Cold. Warmth. Chemicals colliding, sparks flying. At the time I would have never guessed that it was the start of something so very beautiful. Unrestricted. Natural in it's progression. Free to blossom in the liberty of the free world!

What happened as 2010 drew to a close finally put an end to an era of depression. It was only towards the end of 2010 that I started to truly overcome the negative dark thoughts that had clouded my thoughts and actions.

2011 marks a new chapter in my life. New challenges arise. Challenges from the world around me. Not personal issues. I am really looking forward to this year. It's going to be amazing. My life has come together...and for the first time in recent memory I can say:

I am happy. I feel content.

Mid March Megasale Next Year!

2010-11-28T18:13:00.003+08:00

The final exams went ok. Im still nervous about the results though. I probably did ok for the practical exams, but I am really unsure about my performance in the multiple choice questions. For the first time I ticked off an answer labelled "X". As in ABCEDFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWX. Yeah there were that many choices so it wasnt exactly multiple choice. It's too hit and miss...too many educated guesses for comfort. I'll be returning to Malaysia on the 10th of December after the supplementary paper (I hope I wont have to sit) on the 8th.

I am now staying at Farrer Hall until the 10th of December as Richardson Hall is being renovated. Needless to say, moving rooms was a bloody nightmare. The new room is half the size of my old one and I simply couldnt fit all my stuff! I counted walking down the stairs from my room 44 times carrying stuff. I also had to carry the stuff up a flight of stairs to my Farrer Hall room. So here's how much I walked:

44 trips down a flight of stairs in Richardson Hall with goods/luggage.
44 trips back up the stairs to carry more stuff.
30 trips up a flight of stairs in Farrer Hall with goods/luggage.
30 trips down to make more trips.
5 trips to a commercial storage facility to dump my bulky items (books, shelves etc)

Unbelievable. Freaking unbelievable. It took two days and I am proud to do it almost all by myself. Special thanks to Nigel for help with the fridge. I realize how much junk I have accumulated over the years. I need to discard/sell what I dont need and focus on what is really needed.

If I had learnt anything over the past year, it is how little you need to actually be happy. My most used cooking utensil is also my cheapest - a $15 rice pot i use for making soups and noodles almost daily.

Cafe 9E2 (my room in Richo) is desperately needing an overhaul next year. Too much space is being used for things that are used too infrequently. I am sort of a purveyor or good high quality items - from temperature stable cookware to a variety of glassware. What I'm trying to say is:

Mid March MEGASALE next year for all you Richo residents! Pay LESS than 50% of the normal retail price for all items.

Here's some of the things that will be available:

Executive chair. Solid, high quality construction unlike your typical officeworks chair. Height and tilt adjusttable! Leather with aero mesh on the main sitting area (the same type you find on cars, prevents your butt from getting sweaty). RRP $250. You Pay 90.
Evaporative air cooler. RRP $150. You Pay $50.
Samsung SCX 4500. Arguably the nicest looking laser printer / copier around. This goes for USD459 on Amazon. Comes with brand new toner cartridge costing $120 (3000 sheets @ 5%). Total RRP ~570. You Pay $299
Hot Plate. Local australian brand. Ideal for having steamboats and hotpot meals with friends! RRP $40. You Pay $20.
Model 79 Epson inkjet printer with five new unopened cartridges. RRP $90. You Pay $30
Nonstick 5mm thick aluminium pot. Ideal for instant noodles. RRP $25. You Pay $10
Tefal Steamer. For the health conscious person. RRP $70. You Pay $35
Quality Glassware RRP2.50. You Pay $1
Medical / Biomed / Health Sciences Textbooks!

Update 2: The 11th Hour

2010-10-28T12:02:00.004+08:00

11/11

The day of reckoning.

The Monash MBBS program no longer has mid-year assessments for Year 4. That effectively means EVERY SINGLE EXAM is bundled at the end of the year.

11/11, 12/11, 16/11, 18/11, and 19/11.

First two exams will cover Paediatrics, Obstetrics (childbirth) and Gynaecology (women's health), General Practice (GP land!), and Psychiatry. That is followed by two days of playing doctor....the observed structured clinical exams (OSCEs). To finish it off, the final paper is vertically integrated - a fancy way of saying there's 4 f**king years of medicine rolled up into one three hour paper.

The stupid thing is, I'm still on placement 5 days a week. My placement ends on 5/11(!!!).

Study is impossible. Too much to cover. I dont even know where to really start!

My facebook account is disabled until further notice. Robot Unicorn Attack was taking up too much of my time (the fb version is linked to weekly high scores between your friends!)

Back to work.

zxzx

Update: Psyched Out!

2010-09-11T01:23:00.007+08:00

Just a quick little update for the five or so return visitors (who are you ppl??) who come back to check on this blog every day. No picture as I simply had no time.

So much has happened in the past two months I dont know where to begin. I have learnt so much about people; so much about myself. Why are people the way they are? Different states of mood. One's perception of self...of reality. I think I finally know why my weight dropped to 45kg after coming to melbourne. The more I learn about psychiatry the more I started to recognize the rut that I was in merely two years ago.

Delving into psychiatry, I cannot help but observe people. How the past affects the present. The antics of those who desire attention. The antics of the withdrawn. Undisclosed desires, and how people hide them. Behaviour, actions and reactions all reflect their inner sense of wellbeing and whatever negative feelings or unresolved desires that plague their conscience. Response to attention differs markedly, and different people seek attention (consciously or subconsciously) using different methods; creating a true reflection of their inner self.

I have less than 10 weeks to prepare for the fourth year exams. Yet I have 8 more weeks of placement at the Alfred Hospital in the city. It means waking up at 6am every day and getting home around 6.30pm. The work was starting to overwhelm me. I was starting to panic. To lose sleep.

But as luck would have it, stars align and chemicals collide.

I found it.

Or did it find me?

A sense of tranquility.

Security.

That which my right hand possess.

Did I transgress?

No...I couldnt have.

So positive.

This cannot be wrong.

Trust.

Hope.

Warmth.

Best Eid ever.

Selamat Hari Raya!

Status Anxiety; Update; Pause

2010-06-27T14:47:00.007+08:00

"If we were completely ignored by everyone we come across, it would be worse than being tortured"
- William James

"The reward we really want [in life] is attention"
- Alain de Botton

The next blog post will be a very significant one. It will relate strongly to one of the key themes of this blog. I plan to use it as a prelude to The Real Game of Love (currently under construction). It's all about attention and how everyone craves it whether they realize it or not. Summary below:

Jocks and nerds, prom queens and ugly betty's exist for a reason. Why do we value attention from some people more than others? and why do some people get ignored? Im not talking about romantic attention (though it is related somewhat).
In the multicultural mixing pot of the Halls of Residence, I have had some rather intriguing experiences lately. I now have good reason to believe that racism in a social context is really much rarer than many people believe. Racism seems to be more of a convenient excuse for inattention.
How positive attention begets positive attention - being open and friendly to everyone and reaping it's rewards.
How "clicking" with others is really made easier by similarities in culture/upbringing/mentality and why similarities in interests (hobbies etc) may not necessarily mean that you will "click" with someone.

I was insipired by the documentary called Status Anxiety narrated by the Swiss author Alain de Botton who wrote the book of the same title. He posed many thought provoking ideas in his book. I recommend everyone to watch it. (this abc iview link expires on the 6th of July)

The blog template has been successfully updated. However, my plans for this blog have yet to be fully implemented. Content pages on the right menubar have simply not yet been made (those with muted grey text). I want this blog to serve as a platform where I can congeal my thoughts on some things I am passionate about; from coffee to to economics. The recent site update was a step in that direction.

This blog is going to be relatively inactive for awhile. I've been caught up in DotA. My god it's addictive. The halls have this great IP phone conferencing system and playing with my friends in the halls against other people online (via garena) has been great fun.

Let Light Of Day; Shine.

2010-06-18T05:17:00.004+08:00

For the first time in months I look forward to seeing the light of day. Prior to this, I was really stressed out. Night shifts didnt help either. I was sleeping really late, and getting only around 5 hours of sleep a day on average. I didnt feel like eating, I didnt feel like eating, I didnt feel like doing anything really and had no real motivation to even study.

Life Balance
Our lives are governed broadly by two competing systems in the body. We could be at a restful state, or we could be at an active state. In a restful state, your body tries to take care of itself; digesting food and repairing damage at a cellular level. In an active state,... your body primes itself for action; for movement and activity. The things you would do in a restful state are slowed or shut down when you are in an active state.

A balance between a restful state and an active state will result in greater wellbeing. You need to be active at times when you should be active - having the energy to exercise, do work, and participate in activities in general. Problems arise when you are too active at the expense of rest. Without enough rest, your body's natural functions for maintaining itself could be suppressed - leading to poor digestion, low appetite and a host of stress related diseases.

The human body automatically tries to make you active during the day and restful during the night. This is linked to light exposure that triggers certain parts of your brain. The modern world however is filled with bright lights and this has the effect of disorientating your body's natural ability to regulate when it should be active and when it should be restful (circadian rhythm).

Bright artificial lights may keep you awake at night... but at what cost? I dim the lights of my room in sync with daylight. I wake up to daylight. Just weeks ago when I was sleeping late (around 3am), I used to struggle to get even 6 hours of sleep. Now I can get 8 hours with no difficulty. And the quality of the sleep is amazing. I wake up feeling so rested and ready for the new day. My body is in balance. My mind is rested.

This holiday was like no other. My sleeping time got pushed even further ahead and I was sleeping around 7am every day. Until Dota. As in Defence of the Ancients, arguably the most popular real time strategy game in the world. My friends who are having their exams this month introduced me to it, and I got hooked.

Dota allowed me to do what I have always wanted to do: Reset my circadian (sleep) cycle. After staying awake all night, I decided to continue playing Dota until the evening; and succeeded! I slept at 6pm that fateful day, and my sleep cycle was reset.

I now sleep at around 9am and wake at around 5.00am. It's good, restful sleep. For some reason, sleeping at 7am and waking up at 3pm is just not the same. 8 hours of sleep at night is really wonderful, and I find myself looking forward to the day ahead.

It has had stunning effects on my eating pattern. I can finally say that I am eating three solid meals a day with minimal reflux and no problems with slow digestion (gastroparesis). This means that I am much more well fed and it shows. I have the energy to actually do stuff now. Waking up at 5am and having a heavy meal for breakfast (600kcal++, rice w/dishes, left over roast/pasta) means I have energy to do stuff doing the productive hours of the day. I really wish I had been doing this all along. I feel so much more vibrant. More alive. You've probably heard that eating a heavy breakfast does wonders for you - I can testify that it is true. Note that it is very difficult to eat a heavy breakfast if you do not have enough sleep! Forcefully waking yourself up in a sleep deprived state suppresses your appetite and you will find it very difficult to eat a 600kcal+ meal (600kcal is roughly the same as a small big mac meal from McDonalds).

My appetite throughout the day has also improved. I eat well for lunch and dinner now as I have the appetite for it. This means I feel great when going to the gym and have lots of energy to spare for other activities of daily living.

Eight hours of sleep and plenty of energy has made me unbelievably more mentally focused. I can now sit down and read an entire UpToDate article on a complex topic (say, Evaluation Of A Child With Chronic Diarrhea) and stay focused from start to finish - integrating principles in my head as I go along. I dont feel sleepy. I stay sharp. I find myself thinking of what I have read for the minutes after finishing the article; a good sign that my brain is absorbing knowledge instead of just shutting out when drowsy. Sleep helps you remember things; this is proven fact. The brain seems to store things in long term memory when you sleep. Hence, trying to deprive yourself of sleep to study is not wise at all!

Socially I find myself more inclined to talk to people and remember things about them. In short, I am more empathetic when well fed and well rested. I noticed that the way I interact with people and the way people interact with me improved significantly in the past week. If personality really is the tip of the iceberg of a person's general wellbeing, then the coming months should see some pretty significant changes in my personality.

I feel so much more positive. So alive.

Let light of day shine!

Comment Policy

2010-06-08T21:09:00.007+08:00

Due to the circumstances, all comments are now moderated. I check my mail frequently for work and should approve your comment within a day.

To protect google pagerank, comments with excessive use of obscenities will not be approved.
Verifiable comments will almost certainly be approved.
Anonymous comments that have no content related to the post will not be approved.
Anonymous comments that have content related to the post WILL be approved.
Anonymous comments that have some content related to the post but also contains obscenities or ad hominems MAY be approved depending on how much relevant content there is.
As always, marketing spam will be instantly deleted.

Commenting Guidelines:
1) Make sure that your reply is relevant to the post you are commenting in!
2) Avoid obscenities.
3) Avoid ad hominems.
4) Try to use a verifiable identity. If not, do use a pseudonym for easy future reference.

I accept criticism openly and I will not delete a comment just because it says something bad about me. People comment all sorts of things about me and I dont really mind as long as the comment also has some kind of value to add to the discussion. However, replies that are focused on attacking my character and add no/minimal value to the discussion will understandably not be approved.

If you feel that your comment has been unfairly rejected/deleted, please contact me directly via facebook, email or telephone (link). I look forward to hearing from you. I do receive emails of all comments and I can re-send them to you on request.

Alot of effort has been made to ensure compliance with blogger terms and conditions. Names and places are changed when appropriate. Occasionally, images grabbed from the internet are used, but those are of low resolution and used to illustrate a point. They do not cause detriment to the value of the original work and are covered under fair use guidelines.

I am a proponent of free speech and have avoided deleting comments (even extremely antagonistic ones posted anonymously) for a very long time. Recently however there has been anonymous spam on multiple posts. Somebody is obviously upset with what I had said (read Two Tragedies) and has been posting hateful comments in multiple blog posts from the same computer (tracked with cookies, not just IP matching). I dont usually delete comments, but this was an exception. There were two other commenters who also posted on multiple posts with irrelevant content. They have been deleted. My apologies for the inconvenience.

Two Tragedies: A 21st Century Witch Hunt

2010-06-05T02:00:00.009+08:00

pew pew...

At 3.30AM on a weekday, a horrible automobile accident took place. A speeding sedan had crashed into the road divider and entered the opposing lane. An innocent woman driving a small hatchback unfortunately crashed into the car. The sedan flipped over and the two people in the car were critically injured. The woman was not so lucky...

Mr AT was driving by that fateful day, and stopped his car immediately as would any reasonable person. He called 999 (emergency in malaysia) and notified the relevant authorities. There was a woman trapped inside one of the cars desperately calling for help. Mr AT noticed some flames starting to to come out of the front of the car and decided to seek help from the nearest petrol station. In the mean time, horrified onlookers tried desperately to help her out to no avail. Here is Mr AT's account of the incident published in an open letter:

"then i request for the fire extingusher from the attendant which is kept inside. There was 4 extingusher on the ground. But the attendant refuse to pass to me; the gas station attendant claimed dat the door cant be open; then i shout at him, i need it! i want it! someone is pinned inside the car and its started to burn! then the gas station attendant keep repeating he kenot borrow and open the door; then i was like WTF! if ur kiosk is burning can u come out? then he replied yes; then he still say he kenot open the door. Then he say his boss wont allowed to borrow. WTF!!! then i started to amuk kicking the kiosk and punching the glass of the kiosk; i even throw my IC to him say that if im dun return u report police; i saw i borrow.. if i use it i will pay for it. then he keep on just smile at me; then he ask another partner to come out. Then i start shouting and yelling at them with bad words saying dat if the girl dies you two are the murderer; then the 2nd gas station attendant shout back at me; i demand for their names, i told them i would complain bout them; then the 2nd attendant copy down my number plate and said that all my acts been recorded on CCTV and he gonna report to police tumoro."

A Tragedy
It is very unfortunate that someone would lose her life from an accident that wasnt her fault. The driver of the speeding sedan would be haunted for the rest of his life knowing that he had taken someone's life and caused grave injury to his passenger. Unfortunately, road accidents do happen...and we should all respect speed limits to minimize the risk of something like this happening.

Pointing Fingers
Mr AT was understandably distressed by the whole incident. He believes that the woman's life could have been saved if he had access to the fire extinguishers. Could the lady be alive today if he was given the fire extinguishers? We would never know. What we do know is that the gas station attendants refused to open the security door as per instructions from their superiors.

I personally believe that almost every human being has a heart. Almost nobody will just stand by watching as someone else dies. So why wouldnt the gas station attendants open the security doors to pass Mr AT the fire extinguisher?

It is very easy to demonize them and point the finger at them, but the reality is that they did feel very threatened by Mr AT's actions. From the bolded points in his own account above, we know that the attendants were thinking of calling the cops. It's not something a person who is trying to avoid helping another human being would do. The gas station attendant was genuinely scared to the point where he/she wanted to call the cops. Keep in mind this is 3.30am when gas station robberies are relatively common. Drug junkies use all sorts of excuses to rob gas stations. Getting violent, kicking and screaming only adds to the impression that you are some drug junkie desperate for a fix who lost his cool. There is a reason why gas stations have heavy security doors and bullet proof glass windows for the night shift workers.

Mr AT's Media Crusade
Mr AT started contacting all mainstream newspapers and even did a radio interview to tell of his story and how the PetrolCompany employees were responsible for the woman's death. He even started a facebook campaign to spread his message virally over the internet.

I initially had a huge amount of sympathy, admiration and respect for Mr AT. However, after reading through his own account of the incident, those feelings evaporated and I started feeling quite disgusted by the way he is handling this issue.

"FVCK YOU PetrolCompany!!! FVCK YOU!!! I personally from now on will boycott PetrolCompany... i dont know how about you all!!! gonna give PetrolCompany HQ a call tumoro... see what the fuck will they say about this kind of safety measurement they have!!!!! for the two PetrolCompany attendant!!! you are the murderer!!!!!"

He is implying that if the gas station attendants gave him the fire extinguisher he would have saved the girl's life.
He was kicking and shouting at them behind security glass. Any level headed gas station attendant would not open the door once there is violence outside. Thus it's not even the gas station guys fault in the first place.
He should be mourning the dead, not trying to convince the world that the gas station employees are evil and make himself the guy who tried oh so bravely to save someone's life.

His behaviour after the accident is disgustingly inappropriate and patronizing. Not only has it shifted attention away from the real culprit of the tragedy (the speeding driver), but it unfairly casts a negative light on the PetrolCompany and the station attendants.

I could imagine the station attendants reading all the hate that is spread around towards them online. I could be potentially devastating. What if one of them commits suicide? Will Mr AT have blood on his hands then?

More importantly, it unnecessarily/unjustifiably evokes feelings of hate and anger. This hate and anger distracts from the other tragedy...

A Tragedy Ignored
It is disheartening that the real culprit for the reluctance of the gas station employees to open the security door has almost been completely ignored due to the amount of hate directed at them. I foolishly tried to defend them and received quite a bit of flak for it. But I am thankful I did, for it made me realize the second tragedy of this sad accident.

Accidents happen. The real tragedy is the situation in malaysia whereby crime is such a concern that even a plea for help could be misinterpreted as an attempted robbery.

To be fair, it was 3.30am, but we still do need to ask ourselves why it is so unsafe that gas station attendants need to be protected behind bullet proof glass and reinforced safety doors.

Security is a natural consequence of having an egalitarian society and an effective, functional police force. These are things that Malaysia has to work towards, and the recent push to expel foreign workers is a step in the right direction.

A 21st Century Witch Hunt
The dark ages was a rough period in history to live in. Medicine was garbage back then and most "cures" actually made people more sick than they were before. Life was tough and hedonistic pleasures few and far between. People had to bear with the tragedies of death caused by disease and plague. Most people turned to religionism to feel good about themselves. When religion met superstition, the era of witch hunting began. Under the guise of protecting humanity from evil, clergymen got on the bandwagon, and women who did not conform to society were singled out and tried for witchcraft. Eventually, many confessed under public scrutiny, alienation from their families, and torture. Witches burnt at the stake.

Fast forward a few hundred years, and basic human nature hasnt changed one bit. In the face of tragedy, humans still behave irrationally. I am no different from everyone else. When I first heard of the car accident, my sympathies went to the families of the deceased. I was also enraged at the gas station attendants (the witches) after hearing about Mr AT's attempt to persuade them to pass over the fire extinguishers.

Reading between the lines of Mr AT's own account of the incident, I noticed how all the hate was directed rather unfairly towards the gas station attendants. I then learnt that Mr AT had also worked very hard to convince other people that they are murderers via social networking sites.

How are his actions no different from those of the clergymen who hunted witches? Clergymen genuinely believed that those witches were murdering people with disease and plague. Ok, these witches often did something suspicious that incriminated them in the first place, but so did the gas station attendants.

Disease was endemic, and when people got sick, they started to look for the cause of their illness. They knew nothing of viruses and bacteria back then and when people got sick, they turned to their beliefs and it was surely easy to believe that the woman nobody likes anyway in the village was a witch.

The gas station attendants are universally scorned for not letting Mr AT have access to the fire extinguishers. But in retrospect, it's not their fault and im sure if they had known the truth they would have opened the kiosk security doors. It is easy to say that they are murderers and whatnot but the fact is that a normal human being would have done the right thing if he/she knew that another human being's life is at stake. The reality was that the attendants simply didnt trust Mr AT's story, and when compounded by violence, it was even more difficult to ignore the fear that Mr AT may have intending to rob them (eg. he could have been a drug junkie desperately looking for money for a fix)

The gas station attendants unwittingly became the witches in a 21st century witch hunt. I was foolish enough to try and defend their actions against the mob and quite predictably received some criticism for it. It's a bit frustrating, but it does seem that the message has gone across to the more level headed bloggers.

Credits and Afterthoughts
Special thanks to all those who helped me congeal my thoughts about this tragic accident which I believe highlights some very important issues regarding the level of security in our country (Malaysia). Namely those who responded in the ondscene blog post.

People tend to get upset when you say things they dont like to hear or when people they look up to are criticized. It's pretty much a fact that when I have touched a nerve, angry comments will ensue. This has happened before when I was discussing the role of attractiveness in the game of love. I dont really care what anonymous people say about me online and I found it immeasurably useful as a gauge to how relevant a stream of thought is to reality. When people start calling me names, I know that I am somewhat on the right track. I must be saying something that people dont like to hear. Why so? That is the question. Sometimes I genuinely make errors in my reasoning, and apologies are duly made, but often I will be on to something. I followed my intuition from reading Mr AT's testimony and came up with this blog post.

As stupid as this may sound, it took me quite awhile to figure out why people were mad at me for calling Mr AT an idiot (for using violence on bulletproof glass). I guess human beings will always empathize with the person they perceive to be the hero in a situation, and look past his weaknesses. Hey, Superman saved Louis Lane, but I still think he should be arrested by the fashion police for wearing his underwear outside his tights. Let me state clearly that what Mr AT did was appropriate up to the point where I contend he was being an idiot trying to use violence against a bullet proof window.

By default I will always try to empathize with both sides of a dispute. In the ondscene blog, I had tried to see it from the gas attendant's point of view as they were not represented at all. That was why I (ok, rather foolishly) made the comment that Mr AT was an idiot. This really pissed alot of people off as they had come to empathize only with Mr AT. I suspect racist undertones (Mr AT is chinese / gas station attendants are usually not) but im not even going to go there...

Ironically, it was the criticism directed at my person (ad hominems) that made me realize the relevance of an emotive response to an incident and how it could skew attention away from the real pressing issues behind the situation. It also provided me with the motivation to pen this blog post, that I hope provides an alternative analysis to the accident that has become a rather hot topic in Malaysia.

Let us not forget that the real victims of this tragedy are the families of the deceased who have been burdened by the loss of a loved one. My heartfelt condolences to the families of those involved.

Let their deaths not be in vain. Let it be a reminder to us all about the dangers of speeding and reckless driving; along with the need for better security in our country.

Mr AT, if you are reading this,
I suggest that you end your media crusade as soon as possible to put an end to the hate that is spawned from this tragedy. I do not believe that we should hate the driver of the speeding car, as he/she (i've read conflicting news about this) was badly hurt as well and would have to live with the burden of knowing that he/she ended a person's life. But if you absolutely need to feel anger towards somebody, it should be the driver responsible for the accident. If you want to start a media campaign, it should focus on addressing the underlying problems in malaysian society (the need for more egalitarianism / effective policing) that led to your story being dismissed by the gas station attendants. They are human beings too and im sure they would be deeply hurt by your allegations. They are not murderers. They were simply people doing their job and they responded the way someone in their shoes would have responded given the current security situation of the country. Start a facebook pledge group to raise funds for the families of the diseased. Start a group to encourage road safety and respect of the speed limit. Start a facebook group to remember the deceased. There are so many things you could have done but you chose to label two people as murderers and you did so in the most patronizing way possible (reasons in list above). I am not sure if there are legal repercussions to this, but be careful with what you put in black and white. Slander and defamation are very real legal consequences of such serious allegations.

Golden Beans

2010-05-25T16:09:00.019+08:00

Golden Beans

I've been getting about 4 hours of sleep on weekdays for the past few weeks. Things are really starting to pick up and I am really getting a feel of what I'll need to do as a doctor. Although medicine can be really simple and straightforward in practice, getting a grip of it requires alot of mental connections and associations to be made. I feel guilty for missing clinical learning opportunities and that is why I will try to make it even if it means waking up 4 hours after going to bed.

In this post I talk about My Story. Why I sometimes feel guilty and how I ended up as an international medical student. I also discuss the answers to some questions I get asked all the time. I am writing this as I feel many Malaysians do not know the real situation abroad, especially with regards to government policy on international medical scholarships (it's less racially biased than you think!). Next is a hypothesis why 16 straight A's will not necessarily secure you a scholarship in medicine. Finally, I will talk about what I think is important for a highschool student thinking of applying for a scholarship in medicine: Tips For Securing A Medical Scholarship And Getting Into Medschool.

$210
Why feel guilty? It's simple really. It boils down to mathematics. There are 52 weeks in a year. Take away two months for all the holidays and breaks and you are left with 44 weeks. There are 5 working days in a week. That means there are about 220 days of clinical learning opportunities in a year. Medicine is an exorbitantly expensive course. That's why my parents sneakily promised me a car if I received a scholarship for medicine. I studied my arse off during Form 5 (Year 11) and college. The cost of a car pales in comparison to the tuition fees. This year, tuition fees hit a new high: $46,000 (RM138,000). There is no way in hell I would be studying medicine in Australia without support - my family simply cannot afford it. I would have probably been to a local university for less than a third of the cost.

$46,000 divided by 220 days works out to $210/day. Yup. That's how precious every day of clinical learning is. Heck I complain about my rent ($700/month), when skipping just four days of clinical learning (clinics/ward rounds/theater/seminars) wastes more money than my rent! It is totally absurd.

I saw a report in TheStar (a Malaysian daily) about some plantation workers complaining about their wages that have stagnated in recent decades. They get about $200/RM600 a MONTH for back breaking hard labour. Their employers then deduct rent and utilities, and many are left with only RM400 for their family. That's how absurd a $210/day tuition fee is. And that is why I cannot skip clinical learning opportunities.

So Why Does The Malaysian Government Do This?
Again, the answer is simple. Malaysia is critically short of specialized medical professionals. To put things into perspective, there are only THREE. yes, three, haem-oncologists (blood cancer specialists) in the entire country of 25,000,000+ people. Even with private and public practicing specialists combined, malaysia is still gravely short of specialists in most important fields. Malaysia really needs specialists, and even if students have to return after a few years, the degrees that they hold will enable them to pursue their specialties in world renowned centers around the globe. They would also absorb the working culture in hospitals around the world.

Ideally, I would like to do my internship in Australia and pursue specialization. I have no long term plans to stay in Australia. There are many reasons for this but my main reason is that my parents are back home. I also just dont feel "at home" in Australia for some reason. It's hard to explain... It has to do with culture and upbringing I presume - the way I interact is different from the way the locals interact. Im not saying we dont get along. We do actually, quite well... and I mix freely with the locals from the Halls especially, but in the end it's hard to 'click' in the same way you could 'click' with a fellow Malaysian. It's like a different mindset. Different culture. Different upbringing. And I have not even started talking about the food. Im sick of Subway and McDonalds. Shops close so damn early here and mamaks dont exist. Yeah it's a lifestyle thing. And let's not forget about the 47% income tax in Australia, compared to 27% in Malaysia. Once things like housing and cost of living is factored in, a specialist would live just as comfortably in Malaysia as Australia.

Politics & Dissent
Malaysia has had a rather unique history. Chinese people lived in cities, Malay people lived in rice fields and villages, while Indians lived in plantations. Traditionally, the land was governed by Malay rulers (sultans and raja's). The British put into place many of the children of the Malay aristocracy into power before Malaysia was given independence. So we had lots of reasonably well off Chinese people in towns, and massive amounts of poor Malay people in rural villages.

Unsurprisingly, the Malay aristocracy that took over after independence ensured that racial affirmative policies written in it's constitution. Essentially, the government works to uplift the Malay people via affirmative action. Other races receive government support as well, but to a much lesser extent. It appears that "malay" is not technically a race per se (defined by genetics). It seems to be a nationality as defined by the constitution. The best example of this is the former prime minister Tun Dr Mahatir who's father was from India. He is also one of the strongest proponents of racial affirmative policies in the malaysian political landscape. No one can argue that the Malaysian government has succeeded in creating a burgeoning Malay middle class (many of my friends from Malaysia are from this group of people!), but there is an understandable amount of frustration among the non-malay community.

You could see how such an exorbitantly expensive course handed out to students under a public system can cause alot of discontent among Malaysians especially if it is perceived that racial affirmative polices were used at the expense of meritocracy. Every year without fail, there will be the story of some Chinese or Indian student who passes Form 5 (Year 12) with flying colours but fails to score a scholarship in Medicine. A typical student takes 9 subjects in Form 5. These students take up to 16 subjects and score straight "A"s. Understandably, there will be uproar from the Chinese and Indian communities accusing the government of discrimination.

Is The Malaysian Government Really Being Unfair?
I cannot speak for the local Malaysian education scene, but for the Medical course at Monash University (Melbourne) at least, the proportion of Chinese, Indian and Malay scholarship holders seems to be roughly the same as the proportion of those races in Malaysia. Sure, different races tend to get in under different public institutions, but in the end there seems to be an equal number of Malay and Chinese scholarship holders with a few Indian scholarship holders here and there. This represents the demography of Malaysia quite well. Dare I say that even the proportion of Indians to Indian Sikhs match the demography of Malaysia. Ok the sample size for the Indian vs Sikhs comparison isnt big enough (n=4) but you get the idea.

What Happened To The 13, 14, 15, 16 straight "A" students?
(This Is Only A Hypothesis Based On Rumour)
It is a myth that the more "A"s you score in Form 5, the more likely you are to get a scholarship. There are a multitude of subjects offered, from painting to baking and rotisserie (no kidding!). What's important is that you need to score in the major science subjects: Additional Maths, Chemistry, and Physics. There are many Chinese and Indian scholars with 10A's who got the scholarship! They seem to have one thing in common - they are all very comfortable with the major science subjects. Having 16 "A"s wont really mean anything if you dont have a high "A" (in percentiles) in those subjects. Im not talking about "1A"s here. I am talking about the actual percentile score, or how well you did compared to other students. It is rumoured that government sponsors filter candidates by their percentile scores for those subjects, with a little consideration for people from remote areas.

How Did I Get Selected?
Honestly, I have no real idea. I was not expecting to get selected for the scholarship. I had already started an A-levels program when I got the news that I was accepted. Before I got the scholarship, I too had taught that straight 1As were required for it.

I had one flaw in my results, a 2A for - of all subjects - Biology. Now in fourth year of medicine I realize how irrelevant that subject is to medicine but back then I taught it eliminated all hope of getting selected for the interview.

Rumour has it that once a person gets straight A's, sponsorship organizations will look at the major science subjects and your percentile score. 1A's will not help you in Add Maths, Chemistry and Physics. Scoring higher than 99% of other students in those subjects would. (I made up the 99% figure for illustration. I dont know the actual cut off). From that smaller pool of candidates they will then select who gets accepted for the interview by looking at your CV.

Now I dont mean to blow my own horn, but if CV's were ever in a beauty pageant, mine would have been Jessica Alba before she got pregnant. By coincidence been very very active in Form 4 and Form 5. I lost count of the number of debates and elocution contests (public speaking) I represented my school in. I also represented my school for ping-pong. As luck would have it, I was one of the few people who turned up for the first meeting of the Red Crescent society and by dumb luck I held a post in the society. I was also a prefect throughout Form 2-5 and held various posts. The thing is, I had certificates to back every thing up! I know alot of people complain about government schools, but my experience in SMK Sultan Salahuddin Abdul Aziz Shah was great. The teachers (almost all Malay) were very supportive and encouraging. You can say all you want about how government schools suck, but at the end of the day, if you approach your teachers with sincere dignity and respect they will teach you in earnst. They promoted co-curricular activities till the cows came home. Apparently there was an incentive program for them to do that but regardless I am very grateful I had switched from a private school to a public one. My Malay language teacher was also really awesome, and I had scored 1A for Malay, a feat I would have not been able to dream of should I have continued schooling at a private school. I was the top student in Physics and was third runner up in my Form 5 cohort (Thanks to 2A Biology...bah). Academic performance TICK. Academic co-curricular activities TICK. Sports activities TICK. Uniformed Societies (Badan Beruniform) TICK. Jessica Alba...

Getting Into Medical School
After getting the scholarship, I still needed to do a foundation program as the Malaysian Form 5 certificate is not recognized internationally. I did an International Baccalaureate Diploma program similar to A'levels. Note that if you intend to get into Medicine, you may have to choose your subjects appropriately. Believe it or not Biology is not a requirement for most medical schools but Maths and Chemistry are. I did Higher Level Biology, HL Maths (damn @#$%^& matrix integration) and HL Chemistry. You will need high scores in your core science subjects regardless of your score. Requirements vary by country, but as far as placements go, Australia seems pretty tough to get in. Melbourne requires 40 points and above for IB students with no exceptions. Monash is a little more lenient with a 38 point cut off. Many Irish and British universities take students with a minimum of 35 or 36 points. Space in medical school is extremely limited, hence you tend to accept the first offer that comes your way. Monash offered me a place a few months before I got my results and I snapped it up. In the end I scored 40 points with straight 7s for all sciences. With that I was on my way to Australia.

Tips For Securing A Medical Scholarship And Getting A Place In Medschool:
1) In highschool, SCORE/OWN/PWN/DOMINATE for the major science subjects. Additional Maths, Physics and Chemistry. High nineties no excuses. Maximum percentile score possible. Pwn your classmates. Pwn your entire year level.
2) Get straight A's.
3) Take part in different co-curricular activities, and remember to receive a certificate for any activity you participate in! Build your CV!
4) Dont screw up the scholarship interview.
5) Score in whatever foundation program you are doing (above 95th percentile) with good results for the main science subjects.
6) Prepare for the medical school interview. Take the necessary IQ/language/etc tests.
7) Pray... You have done what you can. Once you're in you're in.

The Why Of Winning In The Game of Life

2010-05-16T23:21:00.003+08:00

Epicurean Delights...

Stress. It tends to sneak up on you without you realizing it. Yet it has a deeper impact on your well being than you may realize. This post is all about why stress is bad for you and why it's important to live your life to the fullest.

Without realizing it, stress is also linked to pleasure seeking behaviour. This nearly consumed me last year, and I kick myself now for not realizing it sooner. So how did it nearly destroy me? Read on...

It cannot be quantitatively defined, but over time, it can consume you by affecting you in the most subtle of ways. You will find that you have less motivation and drive to interact with other people, and you will also derive less pleasure from things that used to bring you pleasure (either religionistic or hedonistic. Since it creeps up on you so slowly over time, you tend not to notice these changes until you overcome the source of your stress.

Studies have shown that the lower you are in the social ladder, the higher your stress levels will be. In one study involving baboons, lower ranking monkeys had less dopamine in their brains (a feel good neurotransmitter). They didnt derive pleasure as much as the dominant monkeys did from even mundane daily pleasure such as eating a banana. A depressed monkey so to speak. But it didnt stop there. They even had more clogged arteries compared to the dominant ones. They were sad, sick monkeys.

Yes yes, I know you are human and how can a monkey study apply to you? Well, that study has been replicated in humans! Britain is a first world egalitarian nation where people receive the same healthcare regardless of their position in the social ladder. Their public health system is excellent. A study has shown that amongst british civil servents (even those working in the same department), officers holding dominant positions were far less stressed then lower ranked officers. The high ranking officers felt good about their jobs in general, while many low ranking ones loathed to go to work in the morning. On the long run, the low ranking ones seemed to suffer from more chronic diseases such as heart disease and type II diabetes too! 2/3rd of the world's population has H. pylori in their stomachs, and it has been associated with stomach ulcers. However, statistics are also now starting to show that having the bacteria alone may not be the cause of stomach ulcers, you also need to be under a certain amount of stress that depresses your immune system - giving the bug a chance to cause stomach ulcers. It does not stop at your gut. Stress affects your brain too. You would probably know that you are less sociable when you are stressed, but did you know stress has been proven to reduce your ability to learn and absorb knowledge? Rat studies even show that it shrinks brain cells! Especially in the hippocampus, the place where thoughts are integrated into memories.

And that is why it is important to be the absolute best that you can be. Life is competitive, and to the winners go the spoils, and we're not just talking about money here. Wealth, romance and social standing count too (if you broke a leg, how many people will offer to take you to the hospital without you even asking?), and being a winner in life contributes to all of that. Anyone who says anything otherwise is either trying to fool you into complacency, or hasnt yet faced the reality that is the world we live in, or is in plain simple denial.

Stress And The Pitfalls Of Hedonism.
(this section continues from the previous post)
Once upon a time, I had a rather severe eating disorder. My weight dropped to 45kg. I still do not know exactly why I started eating less than 1300kcal a day, but now I have reason to believe that stress had a big part to do with it.

There was once a time that I was so socially isolated I started to lose interest with the prospect of holding a conversation with another human being. It's ironic now looking back at it, but at the time, I had not desired what I needed most to have a healthy mind.

This is where hedonism comes in to the picture. You see, when people are stressed they tend to turn to things that bring them pleasure. Entire populations can become increasingly religionistic or hedonistic depending on the circumstances. We see this in the event of increased affluence (USA during the 70s as a result of industralisation.), or war and suffering (Palestine used to be very very liberal before Israel came along - women wore skirts and nobody blinked at the patrons of bars). On an individual level, poor ugly people tend to turn to religionism while affluent pretty people tend to turn to hedonism. Exceptions exist for both scenarios, but I contend that this the norm. A poor ugly fvck like me should have turned to religionism, but for some reason turned to hedonism instead. Im not saying either one is good or bad (i sort of have experience with both) but I my case, I very nearly succumbed to hedonistic pleasures.

Running away from stress, I was overwhelmed by hedonistic stimuli derived from first person shooters (a type of computer game). In 2009, I played about 500 hours of these games, with 332 hours of teamfortress 2 alone (yes, i have proof of this!). There were of course other hedonistic stimuli such as TV serials (Family Guy, South Park, How I Met Your Mother), porn, and facebook (yes, fb it's an addiction people!), but all in all, if I had failed my course in 2009, first person shooters would have been to blame. It's my biggest addiction ever.

I need to switch to other hedonistic pleasures that are less prone to devaluing human interaction. Such as coffee, laser tag and the creation of epicurean delights. These hobbies actually promote human interaction.

Study seems to have a very positive effect on my social life. The more I study the more I naturally enjoy and derive pleasure from human interaction. It doesnt make much sense at first, but when you think about it, study displaces the time spent on computer games, facebook, serials and porn. That means that I derive less pleasure from those hedonistic pastimes. This makes me more sensitive to the pleasure derived from social interaction. And that, I why I feel like talking to people more when I study alot.

If what I've blogged about so far holds true, then my personality should genuinely change for the better over the coming months. I am already having alot more motivation and genuine interest in my work. A genuine interest in other people should ensue. It cannot be faked, and as a prelude to empathy it is like the glue that holds social networks together. So yeah, I hope to become more sticky over the coming months ;-)

We'll see how it goes.

Yes I know that the picture is so unrelated but damnit i really feel like having banana leaf rice but where the hell in melbourne could you find such authenthic cusine that wouldnt cost like AUD10 (RM30) and isnt far far away and only open till 9pm? The meal in the picture only cost AUD2 btw...

Infinite Loop

2010-05-03T00:47:00.007+08:00

An Infinite Loop
The birth unit was pretty quiet at times, and I did think about some things I wouldnt have otherwise. About work and play, and social life, and how everything comes together. About the hedonistic pleasures that threaten to consume me, and the work that balances it. About friends and connectedness. I believe I have finally found the answer to a question I have been asking myself for some time: Why is it that I do not seem to derive the same pleasure from human interaction as other people?

My mind used to be filled with ideas and speculations, and due to the subjectivity of the matter my mind was getting stuck in infinite loops. The answer is really simple. It's elegant. It's straightforward. It makes sense. It has much to do with the pleasure principle (link), and how one derives pleasure from the world. I feel like knocking myself on the head for not realizing it sooner! Change is a natural consequence of this basic understanding of reality. It should reflect in my personality in the coming months. Time will tell. More on this in my next blog post.

Some Thoughts From Birth Unit
I took the picture with my mobile phone. It's published in black and white because the really bloody, colour version of it will put many people off.

This baby did a somersault inside mum. There is no other way this could have happened. Pretty cool eh. Got to deliver a few babies last week, and I have got to say that a natural birth is alot more bloody than I ever expected. Im no longer curious why so many women die in third world countries from childbirth. I mean, women bleed, and bleed, and bleed. They are literally shaking after the baby is born. Baby itself is very slippery and covered in slime. They tend to come out blue as the baby is starved of oxygen during delivery (they turn pink a few minutes after birth). The head pops out first, and the baby usually has this really cute what-the-fuck-am-I-doing-here look on his/her face at this stage. Even with baby's eyes closed, you could tell baby is frowning. It's cute as. I also learnt another word to call a baby - Bub - Awww...

LADIES, if you want to have kids, have em early, have em young. Maybe it's just chance, but from my observation, older (30-40yo) primies (first time mothers) tend to struggle through labour. The baby's head is the size of a small grapefruit, or medium orange. Stuffing such a large thing down your vag isnt easy, and seems to be more difficult as a woman who has never had children gets older. I've seen a few babies literally fly out of mum in under an hour after entering the second stage of labour - these women were under 25. I've seen some babies (in older primies) who just dont seem to want to come out, or the mother is not elastic enough for the baby to come out. So the doctor comes in and helps deliver the baby with a vacuum cup to help pull the baby out. Not a pleasant thing for baby, and mum needs to get cut with a scissors (yes, down there) to help the baby get out. It's a bloody sight to behold.

If you're thinking of a caesarian section, know that it is even more bloody. The cut on the surface of your tummy looks ok, but the surgeon has to go through three layers to get to the baby. There is a layer of muscle, and the womb below it. The womb gets 15% of all the blood that comes out of your heart, and it needs to get cut to let the baby out. So yes, it is a bit of a bloodbath sometimes. And you will be looking at stitches on three layers of your body, the womb, the muscle layer, and the skin. If you saw these stitches being done you will probably never want to have a caesarian section.

I have just completed a week on the night shift at the birth unit of Dandenong hospital. Shift work really throws you off balance and I find that my sleeping routines are completely out of whack now...

Home Espresso Guide

2010-03-29T15:59:00.015+08:00

Espresso is a method of making coffee. A small amount of water (~30ml) is forced through about a heaped tablespoon of ground coffee. With just the right grind, good technique, fresh beans, and a decent machine, magic happens. The coffee flavours become infused into the water along with aromatic oils from the bean. An emulsion is created, and it drips down like syrup into the cup. Done right, this syrup will be well balanced. Done wrong, it will be sour and/or bitter and just terrible to drink. I am convinced that a great majority of people have never tasted a proper, well extracted espresso made with fresh beans as commercial establishments are simply not up to scratch. I have tasted some good espresso though, at family owned Italian restaurants that rely on repeat customers every morning. They are not as flash and spunky as the new Starbucks across the street, but they genuinely make good espresso, with a seasoned hairy chested italian guy (who actually drinks the coffee he makes) behind the counter instead of some random part time highschool kid.

Add steamed milk to it and you have a flat white. Add steamed milk with a bit of foam and it becomes a latte. Add steamed milk with lots of foam and it becomes a cappucino. Stir in some chocolate sauce before pouring in the milk and it becomes a mocha. Pour it straight onto icecream and it becomes an affogato.

When was the last time you ordered an espresso ('short black') or an americano ('long black') from Starbucks or Gloria Jean? Most commercial outlets make barely passable espresso that is then diluted with heaps of milk to mask the bad flavour! The average size of a latte in Italy, the birthplace of espresso is only about 160ml. Compare that to the smallest 300ml cup at Starbucks and you get the idea.

This mega blog post (months in the making!) is going to be all about Espresso and contains what I've learnt from two years trying to make the best espresso possible at home. I live in a small room on campus. If I can do it, so can you!

Contents:
TLDR: The Executive Summary
1) It's all about The Beans
2) The Grind
3) The Machine
4) The Art
5) Espresso Based Drinks
6) Getting Started (on the cheap)
7) Troubleshooting Guide With Pictures

Appendix: What is NOT an espresso machine.
Appendix: (under construction) Essential Accessories and Glassware.

Click below to read the full post:

The Executive Summary
You need beans that were roasted no longer than a month ago. Supermarket beans cannot be used to make espresso. A grinder that's designed for coffee will tear beans apart nicely instead of smashing them to dust. Capable grinders start at around $150. The best ones are around $1000. Only uniformly ground fresh coffee can make good espresso. Once ground, fresh coffee goes stale in less than 15 minutes! So called "espresso" machines at Target or Kmart are not espresso machines and are designed for stale supermarket pre-ground coffee. If the handle (portafilter) alone weighs less than half a kilo, it probably cant make espresso. A capable (out of the box) espresso machine starts at about $600 and weighs over 10kg dry. Good espresso machines cost at least $1500 and weigh over 15kg dry.

Good technique is required to make espresso. Extract properly and coffee will be flavourful with minimal bitterness and sourness. Extract too fast or use a machine that is not heated up properly and you'll get sour coffee. Extract too slow and you'll get bitter coffee. Extract unevenly and get varying degrees of sour and bitter. Dose-Level-Tamp-Extract technique must be consistent.

Steamed milk should never have visible bubbles and should appear glossy when held up to a light. It should be homogeneous (not separated with foam on top and liquid at the bottom) when being poured into the cup. It must never be overheated (scalded) as it affects the texture and sweetness of the milk. A good milk based coffee will not require much sugar, if any at all, as it is naturally sweet.

Note: The guide to getting started is further below.

1) It's All About The Beans

A month after roasting, they are stale even with proper storage.
Ground coffee goes stale in 10 minutes.
Only fresh beans can generate the resistance required in the high pressure espresso method.
You need to roast your own beans or order them online from specialty stores that roast on demand.
Coffee beans are unbelievably cheap.

Espresso requires freshly roasted coffee. Fresh as in it was roasted less than three weeks ago and sealed from outside air. Think of coffee as a consumable, like vegetables at the supermarket. The beans themselves are 30% oil by weight, and oil goes rancid very quickly when exposed to air. From my experience, using beans more than two weeks old starts to degrade the espresso significantly. By a month post-roast, they are practically unusable. Ground coffee goes stale in about 10 minutes because it is exposed to air and has a great surface area after being broken up into a gazillion little pieces. This is why you'll need a grinder to grind on demand. No cafe, not even Starbucks, will pre-grind their coffee for this simple reason, though idiots behind the counter will pre-grind a massive amount of coffee into the commercial grinder's doser at the start of each shift sometimes.

2) The Grind

A burr grinder made for grinding coffee is the absolute minimum requirement for espresso.
The grind determines the amount of resistance the coffee will give when put under high pressure.
To fine, the extraction will be slow and the coffee will be bitter.
Too coarse, water gushes through and you'll have sour coffee.

Espresso depends on hot water forced through ground coffee, so the quality of the ground coffee is very very important. Forget blade grinders, they generate too much dust that will make your coffee bitter and it's impossible to adjust the grind size to do a proper espresso shot. You absolutely need a conical burr grinder. It tears beans apart to the right sizes rather than smashing them to dust.

Cheaper grinders under AUD500 tend to generate clumps that cause uneven extractions. To overcome this, grind into a cup, agitate with a bamboo skewer or something thin, and then only dose into the portafilter.

3) The Machine
Please see the appendix for what is NOT an espresso machine.

Cheapest machines that can make proper espresso? Google Rancilio Silvia, Sunbeam EM6910 and Lelit Combi.
If the handle (portafilter) weighs less than half a kilo, chances are you're not looking at a proper espresso machine.
Must have decent heat stability. Machines under 6kg are unlikely to be suitable for making real espresso.

An industry standard espresso machine is an impressive beast. The part of the machine where you attach the handle alone (called an E61 group head) weighs as much as a bowling ball and is 5kg of chromed marine brass. There is a reason for this: thermal stability. It's quite possibly the most important factor in any espresso machine. A cheap vibratory pump can produce the pressure required to make espresso, but maintaining temperature is another issue all together. The smallest of these espresso machines weigh about 20kg dry (no water in tank) and cost upwards of AUD1500. A top of the line one would cost upwards of AUD3000. These machines have awesome steaming power (for heating milk and making silky/glossy smooth microfoam) too. As you would guess, the handle that holds the coffee is also a solid chunk of chromed marine brass. They weigh over half a kilo dry.

That said, there have been a number of "domestic" espresso machines that are more affordable. They are more user friendly and cheaper, but do not offer the same sheer thermal stability as the bigger machines. Even then, they are still quite heavy, and as a general rule, their weight is reflected in their price. I personally own the lightest and cheapest of these. Its RRP is AUD800 but I picked one up on sale for only AUD550. It is the popular Sunbeam EM6910. Made in china, not Italy. Unapologeticly and obnoxiously loud, it weighs only 10kg dry. It is _the_ cheapest machine in the Australian market that could make decent espresso out of the box.

4) The Art
Now we get down to actually making the coffee. It's a ritual. It's an art. It starts half an hour in advance. Turn on your machine and loosely fit the handle in. Wait for it to warm up completely. Take just enough of your freshly roasted beans out of the air tight container you are storing it in. Grind it and make sure there are no clumps when it goes into the filter basket. The real art of making a good shot lies in how you grind and put the grounds into the filter basket. Level off the ground coffee with the back of a knife (or utensil of your choice), and tamp with a proper sized tamper. A proper dose-level-tamp technique will generate a nice even puck of coffee that generates the right resistance for espresso. It should take no longer than 30 seconds so that the portafilter does not cool down too much. If it does, you may want to fit the portafilter into the machine and wait a few minutes to come back up to temperature before making your shot.

Pouring espresso is simple. Turn the machine on, and wait for about 22-25 seconds. If the stars are aligned and angels smile upon you, roughly 30ml of a thick emulsion would have dripped out of the machine. If too much drips out (a "gusher"), your coffee will be sour. If too little drips out, you will have overextracted, bitter coffee by the time you hit 30ml. How often the stars align will depend on your skill as a barista, assuming you have fresh beans and capable tools for the job.

Foaming milk really takes practice to master. The whole idea is to spin and agitate the milk as fast as you can without making big bubbles! The milk must be as cold as possible to give yourself as much time to do this it as possible. First allow the steam tip to be just below the surface. This would suck in air into the milk and expand it. Then push it a little further below the surface and allow the turbulence to homogenize the milk by taking the bubbles on top and forcing it downwards into the vortex. If you are doing it right, your milk would turn into a homogenous microfoam. It's glossy and silky smooth. No visible bubbles. Yet the volume would have expanded appropriately. For this to happen you will need practice and avoid overheating the milk. This can be done by touch and experience. As a rough guide, once you can no longer touch the bottom of the pitcher for 2s, your milk is ready.

5) Espresso Based Drinks

A flat white, cappuccino, and latte are all the same. The only difference is the amount of foam in the cup. When left to stand, a cappucino should be 1/3rd foam, a latte should have about a thumb's breadth of foam on the top, while a flat white should have almost no foam or just a thin foam cap less than 5mm on top. The volume of the foam is determined during steaming by varying the amount of air sucked into the milk during the initial foaming process. The smooth milk is then poured into the cup and served BEFORE it separates. If you see a layer of foam on top before serving you are probably doing it wrong! The milk and the coffee should be one nice homogenous mixture when it is served. Pour it in front of your guests if you have to (This will impress most people who have not seen latte art!). The first few mouthfuls from a properly made cappuccino are divine as the milk had not yet separated to foam and liquid. It's like drinking a thick viscous foam.

Personally, I give my guests half a teaspoon of sugar with each milk based drink by default. I add the sugar to the milk before foaming. If you had made your espresso correctly, nobody will ever ask for extra sugar as your coffee will neither be bitter or sour. Flavourful, savory and milky sweet. A small meal by itself. A well made milk based drink.

A macchiato is simply an espresso with a little steamed milk. It means "marked" in italian. Roughly double the volume of your espresso shot, and use a teaspoon to mark the top with a dot of white microfoam.

A ristretto shot is an espresso that is made with even less water than usualy. Instead of 30ml in 25 seconds, aim for 20ml in the same amount of time. Do this by making your grind a little finer than usual. Some people mess with varying their dose, but seriously, it will screw up your consistency between shots and is quite impractical. Ristrettos really drip like honey and are very very tasty. Make a 40ml ristretto with a double basket (~20g coffee) in the same amount of time if the single basket holds too little coffee for you.

Espresso con panna is just simple espresso topped with whipped cream.

An affogato is vanilla ice cream topped with espresso. Traditionally, it's a scoop of ice cream with espresso poured directly on top. I find that most people (non espresso drinkers) will find this too strong. To make it more palatable, pour the shot separately, skim off the crema, and just scoop the potent black liquid on top of ice cream as desired. The coffee taste will still be more intense (with almost no bitterness) than the most intense coffee ice cream you can buy. You can also experiment with toppings like sticky date pudding, raisins, and other things that go well with the vanilla and coffee flavour profile.

6) Getting Started

Fresh coffee roasted no longer than a week ago.
The best grinder you can afford.
A decent espresso machine.

I am now going to talk about how to get started for as little money as possible.

Good coffee roasted fresh and couriered to you on demand is expensive, as in AUD40 (RM120) per kilo plus postage (around $10) expensive. Smaller packs of quality beans from reputable roasters (assuming you live close to one) sell for about AUD15 for 0.250kg. Green coffee beans can be obtained for only AUD10 per kilo if you know where to look. Andy, a coffee enthusiast from coffeesnobs.com.au sells them at very reasonable prices to members. A shot of espresso uses about 10g of roasted beans (around 8g really, but some beans need to be sacrificed...more on that later). Once roasted the beans are lighter, but you are still left with about 800g. That's 80 shots of espresso made with only AUD10 worth of beans. Yup, it costs less than 15 cents worth of coffee for each espresso made. This unbeatable value means that you'll find yourself experimenting and playing around, improving your technique, and offering free coffees to your friends!

So you find yourself roasting coffee. In the past, domestic roasting machines cost upwards of AUD1000 (RM3000). But last year a domestic machine (the behmor) was introduced that is only AUD400. But even that isnt quite cheap enough for the student who has yet to earn a dime. I roast my coffee in a popcorn machine. It's just coincidence that coffee roasts at the same temperature that popcorn pops, and it's not an ideal way to roast coffee (it roasts too quickly!), but for 50 bucks (RM150) im not complaining. Fresh coffee will taste heaps better than the most expensive coffees you could buy in the supermarket.

Some coffee enthusiasts spend more on buying good grinders than they do on their espresso machine. These grinders go for upwards of AUD1500. Not everyone has that kind of money lying around. The italians have been making domestic espresso-quality grinders for some time, but even then they are still relatively pricey, with models starting from around AUD500 (RM1.5k). Then Sunbeam came along, and introduced what was effectively a clone (licensed copy?) of a popular italian home grinder. The EM0480 made in china but uses the same grinding mechanism as the Nemox Lux. At under AUD200, it's a steal, and it remains the cheapest grinder capable of grinding beans for espresso. It's not a good grinder by espresso standards, but it is definitely capable (it was built from the ground up to grind for espresso). Reasonable build quality and a brushed metal finish makes it a very attractive buy.

I am using a cheap made-in-china Sunbeam EM6910 that I picked up for only AUD550 (RRP799) last year. The closest competitor, an Italian made 11kg Rancillio Silvia, costs upwards of AUD800 even after bargaining, and has far fewer user friendly features, although it is arguably a lot more reliable and has been in production for many years. Even though the EM6910 is a cheap machine, it has all the fundamentals needed to make decent espresso. It generates enough pressure, and has a sizeable chunk of brass to maintain thermal stability. It uses a standard 58mm coffee basket and the handle (portafilter) weighs about half a kilo. Bottom line:

The Rancilio Silvia is more traditional and can produce better coffee (if you are very patient), but is less user friendly. Better built and more reliable.
The Sunbeam EM6910 was designed in the 21st century and can make coffee and steam milk simultaneously. It has all these really helpful features like it goes off by itself if left turned on which is a good thing because espresso machines run HOT!
The Lelit Combi has terrific value. It's a grinder and espresso machine built into one device. But anyone serious enough to read this far into this post about coffee would likely be upgrading their grinder before anything else. So I do not recommend it.

7) Troubleshooting
It is almost certain that the first few months of making coffee will be frustrating so I am going to include this simple troubleshooting guide. It assumes you have fresh beans and capable equipment.

Is you dosing and levelling technique good enough? Yes it has to be THAT evenly distributed. Wet clumps with less dense areas will kill your shot as high flow channels will form (making your coffee sour)

Note how level the tamp is. A proper dose and tamp is essential.After extracting your coffee (first pic in this blog post), examine the portafilter. It should be as seen in the picture below. I used no updosing, it was done with fresh beans and a good single dose-level-tamp technique. There should be no signs of channeling ("holes" or "wet spots") in the basket and you should see an imprint of the showerscreen on the coffee surface. Proper fresh coffee expands a little when exposed to water and that is why you get this effect. WARNING: Forcing stale coffee to have an imprint of the showerscreen WILL damage your machine as you will have to updose and there is a real risk of pressing your showerscreen with the overloaded basket.

If you have done everything right, the puck should pop out easily into your knockbox. It should not be cracked. No wet spots. No signs of cracks or water seeping down the sides past the coffee. Just a nice, even puck.

Appendix: What Is NOT an Espresso Machine

Almost every "espresso" machine you see at consumer homeware stores like Target or Kmart. They dont make espresso...at least before modification.
All machines under AUD500 are designed for stale, pre-ground, supermarket coffee.
It is possible to modify these cheaper machines to make what would pass off as espresso, but you'll need a grinder and roast to order beans (or home-roast). The minor modification can be found online if you look hard enough.

There are no labeling laws that cover the use of the term "espresso". Heck, Nescafe even has it's take on "instant" espresso! When we talk about espresso, we are referring to the syrupy emulsion made from high pressure, fresh coffee, and good technique.

As a rule, almost every coffee maker you see out there for under AUD500 (RM1500) is not an espresso machine. The cheap boiler ones are glorified moka pots. The more expensive AUD150-500 ones have a small high pressure micropump. Im not saying they are scams or that they are bad. I am saying you cannot make espresso with these machines. They use the term "espresso" on the box to woo customers into buying them. Stale coffee cannot be used to make espresso because water just gushes through it like water on sand - yet that is what people buy in supermarkets. The micropump based machines squeeze the coffee through a single small pinhole to make a foamy liquid that somewhat resembles espresso. It's not espresso. Real espresso is extracted slowly with minimal water from the resistance that comes from fresh roasted ground beans.

Again, I highlight the importance of fresh coffee beans that are grinded on demand. It is possible to buy a small micropump based machine for say AUD200 and make espresso, but to do so involves some modifications, namely the replacement of the pinhole mechanism. Some specialty stores do sell them. They are called "Unpressurized filter baskets". All real espresso baskets are unpressurised. (But the industry standard is 58mm. These cheap machines use the Chinese standard, which is 51mm). A suitably sized unpressurized basket can be hard to find, but look hard enough and you will find them online. They often cost AUD20 or more for what is effectively a simple piece of metal due to their rarity. You will find it impossible to use supermarket coffee with an unpressurized, proper espresso filter basket. Water just gushes through. So you will need to spend on fresh beans and a grinder as well. Now do you see why the makers of these cheap machines assume you will just use stale beans? Because most consumers who buy these cheap machines will never invest in a grinder, much less a roaster, or fresh AUD40/kg roast to order beans. And even when you do have those things, you'll have serious issues with temperature stability that make your coffee really sour really often. At the end of the day, it is possible to create what would pass off as espresso with these cheap machines (post-modification) and we shouldnt dismiss them entirely. The quality of the espresso however will be sorely lacking even with a grinder and fresh beans.

Like Boiling Water

2010-03-25T10:24:00.020+08:00

Medicine is like boiling water. It's simple really. Here's why...

How To Boil Water:

Prepare the necessary items. You'll need a heat resistant pot, a stove, and some fresh cool water. The pot must be bigger than the amount of water you intend to boil! This is very important as spilled water is a safety hazard. Many people break their hips each year due to a reduction in friction secondary to the presence of water on the floor.
Using a jug, carefully fill it up with cold fresh water.
The quality of the water is important. You want your water to be as neutral as possible.
However, be careful of using water that is too pure. Ultra pure water does not boil as water requires nucleation points in order to transform into a gas. (insert spiel on quantum mechanics here). This is dangerous as superheated water can explode when foreign particles are introduced to it. If you suspect that your water is very pure, you should only attempt to boil water wearing adequate safety gear to prevent scalding in the event that it explodes. Plastic research goggles are suitable for protecting your eyes.
Pour the water from the jug into the pot. Make sure you leave at least 3cm of space between the top of the pot and the level of the water. This is because water becomes turbulent when it is boiled and can splash out.
Turn on the stove. Make sure that there is actually fire coming out of the stove. Do not touch the fire. It will hurt.
Never leave the water unattended. Keep your eye on the pot and you will notice steam starting to rise from the surface of the water eventually. Then, small bubbles will form, and then big bubbles.
When small bubbles are forming, it's called a simmer and is a mild form of boiling water. To boil water vigorously, increase the heat and you will see big bubbles forming. The water will also become very turbulent and alot of steam would be released at the same time.
Congratulations. You are now boiling water.
Be careful. Boiling water is hot and can burn you. Practical tip: Using a lid will make the water boil faster by keeping in the heat transferred from the stove.

If you were a five year old kid who has never boiled water before, the instructions above sound difficult and complicated. As you grow up you learn more things and see your folks boil water all the time. When you are old enough, your mum lets you boil water. It comes naturally because of all the life skills you build up from experience, plus the fact you've seen mum do it a million times. Medicine is something like that - that's why 3rd, 4th and 5th year in the monash program is done almost entirely in hospitals. It's for experience.

Medical textbooks are like the instructions above. A layperson looking at a medical textbook gets the impression that it's some super difficult course. It's not. At the end of the day, patients come in complaining with X or Y, and most of the time, what's wrong with the patient is obvious after just a few questions. Treatments are prescribed based on common sense and guidelines so there really isnt anything to it. Doctors also know they have to ask some questions (and occasionally do some tests) to exclude certain serious complications or diseases the person might also have. I would ask the guy who plans to boil water if he is planning to use a microwave because it is far easier to superheat water in a microwave compared to any other heating method. I would ask the mother of a vomiting baby a few standard questions to rule out life threatening gut blockages.

Piece of cake.

The Crema Conspiracy

2010-03-24T14:25:00.009+08:00

A long black / Americano: 150ml hot water with a half teaspoon of sugar, topped with a shot of espresso made from freshly roasted week old Ethopian Harrar coffee beans. The crema floats on top.

Crema is the emulsion that floats on top of a properly made cup of espresso. It's like a foam containing all sorts of aromatics and coffee oils. Espresso fanatics worship it, and it seems to be present in every good espresso, but is crema really the holy grail of coffee? James Hoffman took a closer look, and discovered what many a coffee-geek will find difficult to accept.

Crema sucks. It's bitter and simply isnt very pleasant to drink.

The experiment is simple.

Make a standard double shot of espresso split into two cups.
In the first cup, mix the contents up with a teaspoon.
In the second cup, use another teaspoon and scoop off the crema.
Taste the crema from that teaspoon.
Taste the first cup.
Taste the second cup without crema.

I am convinced beyond doubt that 99% of people will prefer the second cup without crema.

Ok, crema isnt all that bad. It gives properly extracted coffee that flavourful 'kick' or "body" that makes it suitable in milk based drinks. In other words, the crema helps the coffee flavour cut through the milk that is added to latte's and cappuccinos. But by itself, taken straight as espresso, it is pretty extreme stuff, and will turn most people off. I still leave the crema on my long blacks, as it floats to the top anyway, and gives the first few mouthfuls that extra kick.

That said, there is a bit of truth behind the myth of espresso tasting better when there is alot of crema. You see, nice, thick crema only forms properly when beans are fresh. Hence the best cafe's with freshly roasted beans will have the best tasting espresso. It tastes good because the beans are fresh - not because of the crema.

Crema is a byproduct of freshly ground coffee, properly extracted.

Most smaller establishments dont have sufficient turnover to finish the beans in their grinder daily, and as a result you get coffee that was probably roasted months ago, and left exposed to air in the non-airtight grinder. Coffee beans are 30% oil by weight. And oils go rancid you see. Imagine leaving a deep fried prawn cracker (keropok) on the kitchen table for a month exposed to air. How do you think it would taste like after a month? Personally, I keep beans in an airtight container and only take out small amounts for each individual shot. Even then, I finish each batch of freshly roasted beans within two weeks of roasting.

Lousy cafe's, and just about every Starbucks/GloriaJeans/McCafe make bad coffee because of stale beans and the part time highschool students working behind the counter. Even the relatively upmarket Dome is 50-50 hit and miss. They grind wrong. They tamp wrong. And they brew wrong. All those factors make for lousy coffee. Instead of a crema-rich emulsion dripping down slowly like honey from the espresso machine, they get black, bitter, sour, burnt swill gushing out into your massive takeaway cup. Starbucks' smallest cup uses two 'shots' of what barely qualifies as expresso (bitter swill). Ever wonder why nobody seems to order espresso (short blacks) from Starbucks? Ever wonder why everyone seems to only order coffee that is flooded with milk and sugar and cream and even ice cream? Ever put heaps of sugar in your Starbucks long black to mask the terrible bitterness and sourness? Well now you know.

Most people have not tasted really good coffee, and that would be the topic of my next post.

How To Study Medicine

2010-03-03T20:05:00.006+08:00

"You only need to know five key points about any disease"
- Dr Rupert Hinds, Feb 2010.

It's true! Five points about a disease means a whole lot to a person with good background knowledge on the subject. It's hard to explain, but a with just five points a clinician can know what do when confronted by a patient. For example a doctor may only know off the top of his head five points about cystic fibrosis...but since everything in Medicine makes sense and is logical, those five points (or concepts) connect to a vast knowledge base of medicine inside the doctor's head. It means alot. A layperson memorizing five facts (say from wikipedia) will not derive the same meaning as those facts would to a clinician.

Medicine is not all that hard. It's just about integrating concepts as they come along, and learning how to deal with people. Medicine is simple, but the devil is in the details. Textbooks will kill you. Nobody learns medicine by reading a textbook front to back. There is no alternative to experience and having a good tutor to pass on what is clinically relevant to you. The mental streams of thought used by doctors simply cannot be found in textbooks.

Dont get me wrong though. Medicine is an incredibly broad and complex field. There is just so much information to know about. They say medicine is an art... It really is. Different students approach medicine differently. Here is my approach - Ezra's approach - to studying medicine. The past three years have been spent building up background knowledge that allows me to understand, read and query authoritative sources of information (textbooks, UpToDate) quickly and efficiently. Now it's time to put what I already know to practice, and build a solid mental framework for dealing with and treating patients.

Two Broad Goals:

To develop a framework of clinical reasoning on a sound, clinically relevant knowledge base. Understanding and familiarity without ever losing sight of the big picture.
Notes that are simple, concise and constantly updated as I go along. Easy for revision and reference even after I graduate. Notes that "fit" nicely into clinical trains of thought ("mindlines").

Click below to read more...

Principles

It’s all about the patient. Focus on the patient, how they present and what to do then.
Focus only on clinically relevant material. Never getting caught up in minutae.
Never lose sight of the BIG PICTURE and where a topic being studied lies.
Appropriate emphasis on epidemiology – to know what is common and have a rock solid understanding of common things.
Patient contact to integrate learnt concepts into working memory.
Ensure topics in Case Directed Activities (Monash MBBS course material) are covered.
Special consideration for Pharmacology.

Broad Mental Direction

Think of a patient with a presenting complaint.
Hx+Ex: What are the common things that the patient could have?
Hx+Ex: Red flags and uncommon things that need to be ruled out.
Ix: Confirming the diagnosis. Further investigations that are warranted.
What are the patient issues that need to be addressed.
Rx: Managing the patient’s condition

Knowledge Management
The background things that go on in my head...

1) Presenting Complaint And Differentials:

Eg. Vomiting, cough, abdominal pain, dysuria, skin lesions etc.
“/work/presenting complaints/*.docx” Explains how to approach a patient with a particular presenting complaint.
“/work/presenting complaints/*.xmind” An overview (mind map) of possible diagnoses for a patient with a particular complaint.
Appropriate emphasis will be given to red flags that need to be excluded.

2) Diagnosis and Management:

Eg. Nephrology, cardiology, pulmonology, rheumatology etc.
A simple concise template for each clinical diagnosis will be used.
Appropriate emphasis on epidemiology.
“/work/diagnosis/*.docx” for each of the areas of medicine.
Each individual diagnosis will follow a simple, straight forward template that covers clinically relevant points.

3) Bringing it all together

Patient contact
Case file review
Rehearsed presentation on a specific differential.

What It Means In Practice

Step One: Focusing on a presenting complaint.
Hospital Experience: Ward Rounds, Consultant Tutorials, Outpatient Clinics, OHCD
“/work/presenting complaints/”

A presenting complaint.
Diagnostic approach.
List differentials.
Organize differentials by importance
Red Flags that must be excluded
Common Ones
Rare/Unlikely Ones (Optional)

Step Two: Expand Each Differential
Kumar & Clark’s, Digital: Wiki/eMed/UpToDate/Harrisons
“/work/diagnosis/”

Each field has it's own document, containing many diseases. The following is a template for each individual disease.

For example:

Step Three: Review
Lange Case File Series, EMQ’s For Medical Students, Kumar & Clark’s 1000 Q&A, Handbooks.

Update “/work/presenting complaints/” with Hx and Ex pearls
Integrate knowledge. Guidelines (eg. How to approach a febrile child)
Do EMQ’s
Make Sure Course Requirements Are Met (!!!). Tick off handbook.
How does presenting complaint (eg. Vomiting) fit into the BIG PICTURE. That is, the other presenting complaints from the theme (eg. Gastroenterology).
Be able to orate a visual Powerpoint presentation of a particular presenting complaint and it’s differentials and management. To think and to speak and elaborate without cue cards requires that information be in one’s working memory.

The Tech Behind The Scenes
Making written notes is effective, but in practice it will almost never be used for revision. Notes will be purely digital, constantly edited, reviewed, appended and revised. The goal is to make notes that I will constantly read and update as I go along. Not notes that get written then forgotten and never looked at again.

Efficient gathering of reliable, clinically relevant information from sources such as Medscape and UpToDate. Textbooks are queried (note: not comprehensively read) for clinically relevant information as a last resort. Effectively: I will not sit down and read a book, rather, I will approach books and sources of information with a questions, and fit what I come across into my framework of reasoning.
Mobility and freedom of access. Technology has finally progressed to a point whereby this is possible. Workstation with word/powerpoint/UpToDate has a 10hr battery life with a full sized keyboard weighs only 1.2kg.
Goal of being as transparent as possible to allow seamless note taking that uses minimal mental effort such that more focus can be on what needs to be remembered rather than on things like text formatting.
MS Office with an efficient use of styles to have a streamlined workflow. Presentations will be visual. No dot points. Information has to be in working memory.
Templates for differentials.
Redundancy by means of weekly backups to an external drive (compress work folder to “DATE.zip”. Never lose more than a week’s work, even if the computer used gets stolen or dies unexpectedly

Beginning With The End In Mind.

2010-02-23T16:36:00.014+08:00

To begin with the end in mind. This really really long massive wall of text is a reflection of what I feel medicine is all about...which in turn will form the basis of my next (long massive wall of text) about my study approach this year. First up, a two questions I get asked all the time...

If you are a medical student or doctor wondering why I am not using more concise terms, please note that alot of effort has gone into ensuring that minimal medical jargon was used. This is written such that a layperson...mom and dad... can easily read it.

Is medicine difficult?
No. It's not. However it is very very difficult to get a high distinction in medicine. What makes it hard to score in medicine is the fact that students are selected from the top 95th percentile of their academic cohort...yeah, the super-nerdy-anal-retentives tend to get in. It's difficult to get in because every next student seems to want to become a doctor, but once you're in, a little perseverance goes a long way. All I did in 2009 was hit the wards about twice a week and attend all the mandatory lectures on Wednesdays. Last year was sort of a flop for me, totally disorganized, yet even with only 30-odd hours put into study before the finals (ask my friends from the halls...it's true!) I somehow passed with an average score slightly above the first quartile. Yes, I was in the bottom half of the cohort, which by asian standards equals fail. So now I have to work to not fail.

Why medicine?
Ask any highschool student who says they aspire to become a doctor. Responses will vary, from the stereotypical "it's my calling" to "i want to help people". It feels good saying things like that. But seriously, nobody in form 5 (Year 11) really knows what they want to do in life. Then why does everybody seem to want to become a doctor? I will be lying to your face if I told you that it's not about money and job security. For at the end of the day that is the reason why medicine is one of the hottest courses at any university (hence the competition to get accepted into the course). Personally, I am very thankful for the opportunity to pursue a career in Medicine. Now in my second clinical year, I am starting to really appreciate the other reasons (oh you know...the ones that you say in your medschool interview) that make Medicine so exciting and rewarding. Any high school student can say "oh it is rewarding" but that would be like a five year old saying "romance is exciting". I am in my fourth year of being a medical student and I am only now discovering how deeply rewarding medicine could be.

Medicine is interesting. It's a nice mix of knowledge and art (below), and it is up to an individual medical student to develop his/her framework of clinical reasoning.

The Art Of Medicine
Textbook knowledge is dry, and seriously no doctor knows everything in the textbook. But the thing about clinical practice is that you dont need to know everything in the textbook. In fact, knowing everything in the textbook without clinical perspective is actually a bad thing. Why? Because medicine is at the end of the day an art. It's a combination of pattern recognition and deductive reasoning that gets more accurate with clinical experience and raw background knowledge on a subject. The worlds best pediatricians, with the best tools and technology, only correctly diagnose appendicitis about 90% of the time. It's more like 75% on the general wards. This means that 10% of kids will have the surgery (it's a minor one) and they will find something else, or nothing at all.

Patients dont come in saying "hey doc I've got a C. difficele enterocolitis probably caused by the course of antibiotics I took for this bacterial pharyngitis I had a three weeks ago". A patient will walk in complaining of a tummy ache and loose stools. Only on questioning will he recall having a sore throat some time ago and taking some pills for it. Now a textbook is going to give you a list of 20 conditions that can cause a patient to complain of X and Y. It is up to the clinician to know what is common and follow his instincts to derive a diagnosis by taking a history and examining the patient. Some patients have vague histories, and some clinical signs on patients are not diagnostic at all, but when everything is put together, it all makes sense, and in the end there are only a few possibilities that stand out. 90% of the time, a careful patient history and examination nails the diagnosis spot on. Whatever tests are done after that functions simply to confirm what the doctor already knows. The remaining 10% of the time when a doctor is unsure about what could be going wrong, lab tests (eg. blood tests) or imaging (eg. Xray) are used to get an idea of what is happening to the patient. A clinician will not be able to list out the 20 things that a textbook lists out (he knows about them though), but after examining the patient and asking the right questions, he will know what the problem is. This is why route learning is useless and there is no substitute for experience combined with a deep background knowledge of how the human body works and what goes wrong with it.

Note that it's not just about "following your instincts". A doctor also has to know about red flags associated with patients complaining of X and Y to rule them out. You do not want to falsely reassure a person who knocked his head, seems fine on examination, gets sent home, and goes into a coma later in the day...just because you forgot to ask if he had an episode of nausea and vomiting (a neurological sign) when you interviewed him.

And when a patient comes complaining of X and Y...and a correct diagnosis has been made...a doctor then needs to know what to do, both initially and on the long term. The first thing a patient would want to know is the severity of his condition, so a doctor needs to know what to tell the patient (or the patient's parents) what will happen as the condition progresses/resolves.

Being to do all of the above requires a good deal of knowledge, experience and confidence. Essentially:
1) To know what to ask a patient complaining of X and Y. To know how to examine a patient appropriately to look for signs that would help you figure out what is going wrong.
2) Pattern recognition for making a diagnosis.
3) The ability to detect and rule out red flags that could present the same way as common ailments (eg. A kid with what appears to be a viral fever may actually have infected kidneys).
4) Know how to confirm a diagnosis (what you suspect is going on). And how to judge the severity of a disease.
5) How to treat the patient initially and on the long run.
6) Knowing the disease/condition that the patient has and being able to tell the patient what's going to happen to him. (prognosis. eg. "You have a type of blood disorder called hodgkin's lymphoma and it is very treatable with over 80% of people in your shoes getting cured")
7) Knowing how to keep up to date with the latest developments, and use evidence based medicine to provide the best standard of care to patients. <-- this is what differentiates modern medicine from "traditional" medicine. One has evidence behind it...Even if we dont know how treatment X and Y works, we know from blinded, randomized studies that it does work with certainty. Yeah, there's a bit of epistemology (philosophy) and statistics in medicine as well.

So, from BACKGROUND KNOWLEDGE, a doctor knows what questions to ask you when you complain about X and Y...and knows what to look for when examining you too. The doctor then relies on his EXPERIENCE along with his background knowledge to determine what's going on. A good doctor will ask questions and examine you for signs that RULE OUT UNCOMMON THINGS that could be very bad for you if not detected. The doctor then needs to know how to confirm what he suspects from pattern recognition. Quite often (especially in General Practice) tests are not even necessary for a diagnosis to be made. A 2 year old kid with a seal-like (the animal) barking cough and hoarse breathing almost certainly has Croup - a spot diagnosis before the patient even enters the room. Then comes actually TREATING a patient. In practice this generally requires knowledge on how the body works and what drugs do to it. Practical treatments that involve physical maneuvers also need to be mastered. Nothing looks worse than an ugly stitch...or having to make many attempts to pop a poor guy's dislocated shoulder back into place. The whole process of finding out the cause of people's health problems and fixing them is very very interesting. Think of what House MD on television does... Ok, it's not as dramatic in real life, the interns arent as pretty, and believe it or not, most patients dont have sarcoidosis =P ..you get what im trying to say.

The real difficulty is actually building up the necessary background knowledge and intuition that comes with experience in order to ask the right questions and do the right examinations. Pattern recognition follows naturally and the right conclusion will be made. Treatment is pretty much textbook material and is learnt by route learning and experience. Again, no doctor knows every treatment in the textbook. Experience is used for the common things (eg. asthma, UTI's), and guidelines (yes, doctors cheat by looking up reference manuals too!) are used for the more uncommon ones.

The sheer time, physical effort and mental effort that go into what is highlighted in red above is one of the reasons why a MBBS degree takes five to six years. Even then, one is only a lowly intern...Real experience for about five years is necessary before specializing in a particular field - a process that takes another five to six years. This is why you dont see any young cardiologists or neurologists around.

Now I need to ensure that my study approach is in line with what medicine is all about...So what can be done? What is the best way to approach medicine as a whole?

Three

2010-02-11T16:17:00.006+08:00

Hey! My mommy says im special!

When I made my facebook account ages ago (you know, the time when TV's were black n white and "friendster" was popular), I accidently set my birthday to the wrong date. I noticed it a few months later, but decided to keep it to see how many people would remember my real birthday.

A grand total of three people (excluding family of course) remembered my real birthday. For that they will be awarded karma points and be blessed by angels. One of them will be getting a free cup of coffee... and I am going to bring someone lots of food to make that someone fat. (=

I would also like to thank everyone who wished me happy birthday on facebook for celebrating what shall from now on be known as Ezra's Facebook Birthday. Thanks for all the well wishes! I'll get down to replying you guys this weekend. It's been one hell of a week.

So when was my real birthday? lol. Here's a hint. It's somewhere on this blog =D

Ezra is officially ONE facebook years old.

Workstation Tips

2010-02-07T21:06:00.009+08:00

One week into MED4051, I have finally cleared up my desk. Initially, my workstation had serious ergonomic problems. By January 2009, I was messing up my lower back and was even starting to stand with a slight slant to one side. So I made real efforts to improve the ergonomics of my workstation. The final phase of my plan was just completed last weekend well within the $200 budget set aside for it. The keyboard tray and monitor arm are the latest additions to the workstation and it pretty much clears up all the space on my desk (picture of old workstation at the end of post). Now I can actually open a book and read without a keyboard getting in the way.

It took a year and a half for my desk to become what it is today. Here's what I have learnt.

Things To Consider When Setting Up A Workstation:

1) Computer: Always make sure your elbows are greater than 90 degrees when typing/mousing. Your keyboard should be low so you dont place strain on your wrist. Your chair should be adequately adjustable for comfortably typing (relatively high) and reading books on the table (relatively lower).

2) Books: Yes, a computer is great and all but in the end you still need books! Make sure you have space for books. Last year I spent alot of time in the library precisely because of that. I had a desk, but no space for books!! And my chair was so high I had to slouch just to read a book on the table.

3) Keyboard: Keyboards must be easy to touch-type with minimal effort. Forget gimmicky media buttons you'll never use. Go for a keyboard that has a comfortable keystroke. If you are a touch typist like me, notebook style keys are ideal.

4) Mouse: Your mouse should be light and precise enough to be accurate without having to move your wrist too much. Touch your palm on the table and hold your mouse with three fingers. Set your mouse sensitivity such that you can move your mouse pointer diagonally across the screen (and back) without moving your palm? If you could, then could you also perform daily tasks at that sensitivity? Some mice simply arent accurate enough at high sensitivities. Heavier mice tend to be fatiguing. Go for a light, sensitive, yet accurate mouse that's under 80g.

5) Lighting: This is very very important. There must not be any glare when you are reading, yet the light must be bright enough for you to read comfortably. The trick is to angle the lamp such that it is never in front of you. Notice how my reading light is positioned way to the left? That is intentional. It means that when I am reading a book in front of me, there is never any glare as the light is coming from the side. Placing the same lamp in front next to the speaker (where it would logically go) looks good in movies but doesnt work in real life. If possible, an additional soft lamp (I have one on the right) will reduce contrast and ease eye-strain over the long run. It also looks good.

6) Clutter: A cluttered desk can be distracting. Not only will you not have space for books, but it reduces focus on whatever you're doing. Keep your workstation clear (that includes your windows desktop).

7) Backup: All your files (Pictures, personal videos, work related documents and songs.) _MUST_ exist separately on two different hard drives. In other words, get an external hard disk and make a mirror copy of everything every few months. That's what the small black thing beside my computer is. It's there just to keep a copy of things.

8) Refreshments: Water and some nibbles within grasping distance. It's not in the picture, but I pretty much have a pantry right next to me. A sufficiently-large-so-you-dont-need-to-refill-it-every-two-hours, spill resistant, water container comes in really handy too.

I love my new workstation. That said, it still has it's kinks.
- The mouse doesnt really fit under the keyboard tray (too tall)
- The Kensington gas arm is superbly solidly built (it weighs 8kg *phew*) and is rated for 17"-21" monitors...in 1996 (when it was released). I hadnt checked when i bought it and apparently in 1996 monitors those monitors weighed over 8kg. Fast forward to 2008 when I bought my panel and it's a measly 5kg. So now I cant lower my monitor as it's not heavy enough. Im thinking of tying some fishing lead weights to the back or something...
- The chair is too high for reading (even at the lowest setting) if the roller wheels are attached. Hence I took them out but now the chair is a pain to move around. I need to find some sliders to put on the chair leges.

Ezra's 2009 workstation

Cleanup 2010

2010-01-23T22:19:00.005+08:00

I recently re-established contact someone. She's the girl in this post from April 2008. She does not use social networking sites (facebook) and rarely ever pops up online on instant messaging. I havent seen or heard from her in almost two years.

It made me realize something. Human relationships are ultimately independent of the internet. So what if you stalk and watch the status updates of a thousand people you barely know? It does not make you closer to someone, and cloggs up your brain with unnecessary information about people who dont necessarily care about you in return.

Facebook will now be more focused. More relevant. I will only see updates from people whom I really know are my friends. Those who reciprocated empathy. Those whom I care about. Those whom I wont hesitate to call if I broke a leg. Allowances will be made for people likely to be important to my career (read: Friends from the faculty I dont really know well), but they will be appropriately classified as work related contacts and their status updates will be hidden from my view. There will also be allowances for new people I would like to establish contact with.

Robin Dunbar (read about Dunbar's Number) observed that social groups tend to lose cohesiveness after the size exceeded 150 people. He estimated that people could maintain contact with roughly 150 people at once. Any more and social connections will start to collect dust and break. As a young guy, a majority of my friends use facebook, hence it offers a pretty good representation of my social circles, both past and current. Despite having a pretty strict no-add policy, my friends list has ballooned to over 500 people. I dare say that I only have about ten people on that list whom I would call without hesitation if I broke a leg. Only half of them are in Australia. The target is to trim my facebook contacts to about 100 people, with the remainder (estimated to be around 100) consisting of people I recently met and wish to build bridges and those relevant to my career path.

Apologies to those deleted from my friends list in facebook and MSN. I just have to stop this flood of status updates that I want yet dont want to read =S. Even if you cannot reach me on facebook, know that my current contact details can be found from this blog (about me page) and I would be glad to re-establish contact. It's not going to be easy, but it has to be done. The criteria for selection has been highlighted in the previous blog post.

Removed 314 people from my friends list (updated 25th Jan). Final tally:
- 87 med acquaintences added to facebook list
- about 20 new people (ie. people I'd like to get to know better)
- about 90 friends

The First Ezra Plan

2010-01-02T01:20:00.024+08:00

Introduction
2010 begins with a more balanced view of the world and the opportunities available to me. The negativity that has plagued me is no more. Major health concerns have been resolved and I have the strength and vigor to put my life plans into motion. Spiritual issues have been resolved and my mind is at peace. Through experience I now know what needs to be done and I find myself at a very critical stage in my life.The coming years will likely determine the course that my life will take. Career goals have to be met, but more importantly, who I choose to mix and empathize with will determine my social circles, and the real course my life would take. I also have to find someone worthy to spend my life with, and the current trend is worrying - the most worthy women from my generation are being snapped up even as I write this article.

Status Report, January 2010:
Fundamentals: Physical wellbeing finally adequately taken care of with kinesthetic knowledge improving steadily. Spiritual issues resolved. Connectedness improving though still not satisfactory. Mental health improving with a more positive outlook on life and new things.
Career: On track. Unsatisfactory progress in 2008. More effort needed to integrate ideas/concepts on various subspecialties. Anatomy and histology knowledge lacking.
Relationships (platonic): Ties with too many social circles from scattered, unrelated groups of people. They tend to lack depth. A solid core social circle is needed.
Relationships (romantic): Actively dating. Not attached. Up trend clearly noted following improvements in physical wellbeing and greater connectedness. More worthy women starting to reciprocate romantic interest.
Arts: I've discovered that I have a rather low pitched singing voice. Think Creed and John Mayer. My first cover, Check Yes Juliet, was sung one whole octave lower which is why it didnt sound too good. I could barely hit the high notes of my second cover Over It.

The First Ezra Plan, 2010

Broad Goals: To win in the game of life - Career and relationships, built on a solid foundation of a healthy mind, body and spirit.

[Fundamentals: Physical] A maintenance program at the gym with a better alternating routine to maximize efficacy of compound exercises. Hope to hit a realistic 67kg target this year. A proper stretching routine will also be implemented. There is a grave need to improve hip flexibility for everything from dance to pool (snooker). I can now confidently do wide grip pull-up's. Next up: Handstand pushups.

[Fundamentals: Nutrition] This underpins all aspects of my life. Bottom line: 2000 Cal with 70g of protein, fruit and green leafy vegetables a day. My diet in Melbourne has improved by leaps and bounds since 2007, but there is still room for improvement. A hybrid asian/western cooking style will be used. There were two very important culinary discoveries last year: Variations of the ricepot meal and the humble bean/tuna salad. Being able to prepare food efficiently and consistently is important for maintaining good nutrition over the long run.

[Fundamentals: Career] I will need to devote more time to study this year, compared to almost no time spent last year (the 30 odd hours before the exams dont count). I have learnt that reading textbooks is a waste of time. Study smart. It's all about integrating knowledge and connecting all the dots in my head. This year, the focus will be on doing (workbook) patient cases one after another. Think what House MD does everytime he approaches a new case. Yeah, that's pretty much it. I will then do Q&A for topics relevant to the case. This should strengthen mental processes needed to deal with patients in the real world which is what really matters, both in practice and in my clinical exams. I plan to study for an hour a day. An infinite improvement over last year, on which most days I didnt study at all.

[Fundamentals: Spirit Core] Cognitive dissonance is no more. At peace with myself, I can now focus on what needs to be done. The ideas are all there. First Principles. Anonymously, I lift up the proverbial pen...

[Relationships: Platonic] Outreach attempts in 2009 ended up with varying levels of success. I had overstretched my mental capacity to handle human relationships. As a result, social connections ended up being too diverse and too scattered. A more focused effort is called for in order to strengthen connections with core social networks. Special attention must be placed on forming a core support group from existing social networks (or possibly new ones next year in the halls).

[Relationsihps: Romantic] There has been a steady rise in the quality of women reciprocating romantic interest in 2009. I hope this trend will continue. Last year's policy stands - I will continue to actively pursue women I find attractive who reciprocate romantic interest. I cannot determine who I will fall in love with (or who falls in love with me), but I can determine whom I choose to date.

[Sports and Recreation] With focus on the gym and kinesthetic arts I dont think I will have much time for sports, though I will try to make time for badminton. It will be more of a social thing and tie in with efforts to be more integrated into targeted social circles.

[Project GROOVE] 2009 saw my weight rise by over 20kg (Project RAM). 2010 will see me on the dance floor.

[Project VANITY] I've ignored looks for too long. Appropriate emphasis on looks and fashion is one of the things I am really looking forward to in 2010. The gym has given me more options when I shop for clothes, and I will use this to my full advantage.

[Arts: Music] I never knew I could sing until I tried. So why not try harder? I've learnt more teaching myself the guitar (from youtube!!) and singing in 2009 than I ever learnt playing the organ for years. I hope to record a few more covers this year. There is a small chance I will have time to participate in the Richardson Hall band. Was quite surprised when Simon (drummer and organizer) approached me. I may not be up to standard yet but I look forward to giving it a shot.

[Arts: Kinesthetic] Salsa once a week. Boxing circuit once a week. Hip Hop and Capoeira if possible. Capoeira is great fun and forms the basis for many freestyle hip hop moves (the same way ballet does for contemporary ballroom) but I will likely need classes as I am not yet at a level where I can explore it by myself.

[Policy: People First] Anyone who has sent me an sms knows I can take a whole day, or days, to respond. I read the message, then think about something else. It's like people simply isnt a priority in my life. By the time it gets replied, days could have passed. Something has to change about my approach to people in general. I need to place more emphasis on initiating and reciprocating attention as social situations demand. So what does it mean to put people first? Broadly, this involves thinking less of oneself and more of others, along with better outreach and sensitivity towards other people. I have to make it a point to reply messages more quickly and with empathic and meaningful replies.

[Policy: Facebook] Currently, my facebook account is a bit messy. My home page gets inundated with updates from people I barely know. There are too many random acquaintences - despite having a rather strict no-add policy (with the exception of family/relatives, I dont add people on facebook). There is a need for stricter control on who gets approved.

[Policy: Photos] I need to be more active uploading photos, especially for the purpose of strengthening social connections. Lugging around a big camera simply isnt practical, and technology has progressed to a point where cellphone point and shoot cameras are good enough for web/social use anyway. I expect most pictures taken this year to be from a cameraphone. That said, I will still probably follow the Monash Photography Club for excursions with my DSLR.

[Cleanup 2010] My facebook and MSN accounts are flooded with people I barely know. It's time to delete contacts. It's not going to be easy, but criteria would pretty much be:

(1) Am i likely to interact with him/her in the next one year?

(2) Is he/she significant to career/social progress?

(3) Can I recall doing something with him/her?

(4) Do I see myself re-establishing contact with him/her in the near future?

The target is 150 facebook contacts max. Apologies to all those affected. If you would like to re-establish contact with me, drop me a message on facebook or MSN. My current contact details can always be found here.

Blog Refresh 2010

2009-12-27T15:31:00.003+08:00

The new template for the blog has been successfuly implemented and modified. Hope you guys like the look and feel. It is now easier to navigate than ever, with my facebook and contact information easily accesible on the upper right menu.

There was a small glitch in blogger and I lost the right pane where I normally had a list of friends blogs. I am currently working to get the links back up.

The Return Of The King

2009-12-26T14:13:00.000+08:00

The Return Of The King is the final volume of JRR Tolkien's famous trilogy. In it, one of the main protagonists of the storyline was prince Aragorn (pic^). Raised secretly with great privillege by the elves of Rivendell, he lived amongst the deposed people of his father's once glorious kingdom. When all hope seemed lost, he took charge of his destiny, and rallied his peoples to victory, reclaiming what was rightfully his.

Alright, all my pictures are back in melbourne so im using a picture grabbed from the internets. I've taken new pictures but i also left my cable back in melbourne. I like this picture (or screenshot...whatever) as I find Aragorn's story inspiring. When you're in a rut, and everything seems like it's going the wrong way, you need to take a long hard look at yourself and rise above it. Look at the priviledges that you have, what is available to you, and use them to your advantage. Prejudice and negative thoughts will only hold you back. I used to tell myself alot of negative things about so many things in life that now I take for granted.

Possibilities open up when you have a positive outlook on life. It's dangerous to keep thinking about the negative side of things as it makes you withdraw to your own deluded thoughts...forming preconceptions and untrue ideas about what may really hold the key to your destiny.

2009 (2008 reflection click here)
...shall come to pass with an unexpected twist in the story of my personal development. It will be remembered as the year that I came to realize my greatest shortcoming - the predesposition to form negative thoughts in my head about all sorts of things I have no real experience about. A series of events that transpired in 2009 made me realize this. Some were personal and involve family, but others I can share publicly. Take the gym for example. I take it for granted now, but merely two years ago I was telling myself that it was pointless and that playing badminton twice a week was all the exercise I needed. There are countless other missed opportunities and half hearted initiatives that failed because of too much negativity. This is what will have to change in 2010!

2010 Prelude
To approach things with a positive mindset sounds simple enough, but is really not so easy in practice. Just like weight was a major issue in 2009, this would be the major issue in 2010. Now that I am aware of it, how I go along implementing this change is yet to be determined. If anything, I do need a more contemporary approach to fashion and the kinesthetic arts.

This holiday, up till January 13 when I return to melbourne, I am undertaking an extensive program for personal fitness that would hopefully provide me with the fundamentals of kinesthetic knowledge on a solid platform of an able, physically fit body. Long story short, right I now have subscription to not one, but TWO gyms (ok, one expires soon so i had to start another that ends on Jan 13). A new gym opened up just downstairs in my condo, and it has a really awesome program going. Here is my schedule for the week:

Monday: Krump, NYC Hip Hop, USMC Kettle Bell Circuit
Tuesday: Badminton, Oz Hip Hop
Wednesday: Capoeira, Strength Circuit
Thursday: Badminton, Seoul Hip Hop
Friday: Bounce, Tokyo Funk, Vogue and Wack In
Saturday: Strength Circuit
Sunday: BMW Program

It's pretty packed. Between sessions, I steal the occasional set at the cable fly machine or do dumbell exercises. I only effectively do a body building circuit twice a week (strength circuit). The focus is not go have bulging muscles, but to have a nice toned body. Capoeira is heaps of fun. It's a brazillian martial art that feels more like a dance. I really like the new gym that opened downstairs, they have a very contemporary approach to bodybuilding and their USMC (military style) kettle bell circuit tones just about every muscle in the body. I only go to Celebrity Fitness twice a week now for strength training. Love the LifeFitness wide/narrow/medium pullup bars.

Dance classes are done by StreetNation, and all the instructors are veteren professional dancers. Kudos to to Eddy, Eric and Seven. I have no experience whatsoever in hip hop and dont even listen to it but I found dancing it interesting. It has a basic groove that involves more of the abs and shoulders and a bit less of the hips unlike Salsa. The Krump is an awesomely macho dance, while the different flavours of hip hop all have their own feel to it. Tokyo Funk is interesting...think Jackson 5 or MC Hammer.

New Perspective

2009-12-08T00:32:00.002+08:00

I am back once again for the holidays, and as I have done in years past, it's time for a review of my life...and what needs to be done, in the never ending quest to become a better man.

Site Progress (2008, 2007)
A big thank you for visiting my blog. This site now generates around 30 pageloads a day, 5 of which are individual return visitors, with roughly 50% of unique hits coming from google. As this site matures, the frequency of new posts will decrease, but in turn the length and quality of the posts will increase and cover a broader range of topics each under it's own bolded subheading.

Fundamentals Review
#1 Basic health and nutrition...Check
#2 Proper regular exercise, both strength and cardio...Check.
#3 Sleep cycle...Needs improvement.
#4 Social Connectivity...Needs improvement.

Given what I have been blessed with - a stable family, stable finances, a freaking million dollar scholarship, and a car to do the groceries, it's so so unbelievably stupid that I actually failed miserably at #1 and #2 throughout much of my youth. There are reasons for this, but they are too personal to share.

The End of 2009
2009 marks the end of a long spell of negative thoughts that clouded my mind with useless things not worth thinking about. It's better to live in the present, thinking and devoting mental effort to things that are really meaningful in life. I have to think about myself and what's best for me. And once I have taken care of myself appropriately, a solid platform from which to reach out ot others develops. It's easier to remember things about other people (naturally empathizing) if I myself am in a healthy physical and mental state. I had realized this by late 2008 (and blogged about it in Jan 2009), but didnt really have the fundamentals in place to ensure success in outreach initiatives - they ultimately did not go very far because of a lack of followup and true empathy (i was forgetting lots of things about people).

Outreach
I really do not have any excuse for being socially isolated. I have had, and still have all the opportunities in the world to click and connect with people, but until I find the drive to reach out and truly connect... to "bond" so to speak, remembering things about people will be difficult. For to truly remember and think about others requires me to drop my ego and (mentally) accept/tolerate/understand/approach others. Outreach attempts throughout 2009 met with varying degrees of success. I tried to spend time with varying social groups but it proved to be too much to (mentally) handle, asides from the usual problems of time constraints.

E V O L U T I O N
Better outreach should give me more flexibility in the game of love. I have to find someone worthy. I want someone who has traits that I sense will be successful in the game of life. For the apple doesnt fall far from the tree. Physical, mental and emotional attributes are all considered, though being a guy I have to say that I am strongly biased to notice the positive abstract (ie. non-physical, mental, emotional, cultural) attributes of women who are physically attractive (subconsciously or consciously perceived to be fertile. ie. "hot"). I make friends with anyone and everyone without any racism, prejudice or bias but when it comes to the game of love, I simply cannot say the same. Feminist bigots like to criticize men for placing too much importance on looks yet are themselves every bit as judgmental on men who are perceived to be losers in the game of life. One reaches out to everyone. Boy and girl. There is no descrimination. No bias. No prejudice. Cherry picking is selfish. It is judgmental. It is biased. It is prejudiced. No mother tells her daughter to marry an ugly, frail, short, obese, wanky loser in life who couldnt hold a job. Every girl wants her prince charming, acceptably able bodied, a leader and a winner in life. This is the darwinian theory of natural selection in action. Good genes and good traits are valued in the game of life. Relevant to me at this moment in my life is the fact that men who are losers are unwanted in the game of love.

Project Vanity
A lil bit of vanity will do me good. I've worn khakis and "uncle" shirts (slang for old outfashioned clothes that you'd find a middle aged man wearing) and plain white T's for long enough. I have completely neglected fashion for far too long. Underweight for many years, I had grown accustomed to wearing baggy shirts and khakis. Project RAM was a glowing success, and I had put on over 20kg this past year. Coming back to malaysia, I can now afford (clothes are too expensive in melbourne) to splurge somewhat on fashion. I am going to find clothes that highlight my developing secondary sexual characteristics (read: toned body). The idea is that by the time I return to melbourne, I would have refreshed my wardrobe to something more 21st century...and have the body to wear it with pride.

Of course, I will have to hit the gym, and throughout my stay in malaysia, I will be going to the gym every day. One day strength (barbells, dumbells, pullups etc) followed by one day of high powered aerobics (USMC circuit or swimming laps). The gym below my condo just opened. It's a really progressive place that places emphasis not only on strength but joint stability - with kettle bells and a few other exercises (one of which looks conspicously like manual labour). This is something I have been looking for since progressing from using strength training machines to free weights. Joint stability is very important!

Fifteen
Hanging out. "Lepak". Whatever you call it, there is no other way to building a social network. I am stuck at home this month. Friends are either working or not around...So it's imperative that I go out and mix and mingle. It's surprising how you meet new people. Mix and mingle with everyone FTW! A really pretty girl introduced herself to me recently. We clicked, but more importantly I also sense that we are compatible culturally and in matters of faith. Problem is, she's 15. Alarm bells went off in my head (Jailbait!!!). Kept on telling myself "no ezra. no." and didnt even ask for her number (though she asked for mine later). But the point is...15. So tempting. Must resist!

Livestrong
I just feel that I am on the right track. I need to take control of my life...kill the demons in me...expunge all the negative thoughts in my head...and live life to the fullest. Spiritual issues have also been completely resolved as 2009 came to an end, and from that solid platform I can focus on a healthy body, mind and social life.

A positive outlook on life.

A new perspective.

Over It

2009-11-24T12:41:00.004+08:00

Song adapted from "Over It", by Rufio.

NOTICE

2009-11-08T13:18:00.003+08:00

Until 23/11/09, I will not be replying to any messages on facebook or lyn. This blog is also on hiatus till the aforementioned date. As of yesterday, I have voluntarily blocked facebook, gizmodo, and lyn along with a few other online forums and content providers from being accessed on my computer. Productivity is up 300%.

The Dilemma Of Ugly

2009-10-16T01:33:00.005+08:00

I am 23 and I notice a worrying trend. For the women whom I deem attractive are quickly becoming unavailable. My life used to be in shambles...I was pathethic, and quite reasonably stood no realistic chance of garnering romantic interest from women whom I deemed worthy (pretty girls had far better options).

Five years too late. It is only recently, almost three years after being forced to fend for myself - have I been able to take care of myself properly. My physical being is starting to thrive, but the reality is that I am still far behind in the race to become a truly eligable bachelor that could cherry pick whom he dates.

I understand now why some parents are worried that their children have not found a partner - for those who remain single for long will be left with scraps in the game of love. Marry a tall black person and your children are unlikely to be short and white - The apple does not fall far from the tree and this is why I absolutely cannot lose in the game of love.

I was once too self-centered to realize the importance of friends. I am from a stable family and have never really needed to build strong social connections outside home. At the end of the day, friends are important - for a healthy social life is the prelude of empathy, the fundamental building block of human relationships, both platonic and romantic. I cannot emphasize the importance of building social relationships (social networking) - for it is food for the mind and soul. It keeps one's life in balance. It let's your inner self know that your life is in order. It gives you emotional security and mental strength. Friends are important!!!

Looks really dont matter when it comes to love.
BUT
Men hate falling in love with ugly women.
Women hate falling in love with losers.
So be not a loser.

I have only been moderately successful in my career path, but that means only so much in the game of love. A healthy career gives me the financial means of taking care of myself, but ultimately it will not compensate for my physical, social and mental flaws. I resolve to not have to compensate for anything in the game of love. I must have the raw physical attractiveness, mental/social wellbeing, and charisma to win in the game of love - to build a meaningful relationship with an attractive woman who is worthy.

To have a healthy mind, healthy body and healthy outlook on life. To thrive and to win in the game of life. It's the dynamo of volition that pushes me to be a better man. That is my inner drive

I live every day like it is my last.

Awesome FTW!

Demons

2009-09-14T00:07:00.004+08:00

Continuations of my dreams seduce me.

Darkness looms beneath the surface.

Demons of mine.

Cant sleep, think.

Mind in disarray.

Fight my demons.

Glimpse the light of day.

Sense dark clouds looming.

Succumb NEVER!

Friends guide me through shadows.

Battle lies within.

Expunge my demons all alone.

Live righteously, strong and mighty.

Check Yes Juliet (Solo Acoustic Cover)

2009-09-05T02:26:00.007+08:00

Check yes Juliet are you with me?
Rain is falling down on the sidewalk
I won't go until you come outside.

Check yes Juliet kill the limbo
I'll keep tossing rocks at your window
There's no turning back for us tonight.

Run, baby, run
Don't ever look back.
They'll tear us apart
If you give them the chance.

Don't sell your heart.
Don't say we're not meant to be.
Run, baby, run.
Forever we'll be...you and me.

Check yes Juliet I'll be waiting
Wishing, wanting, yours for the taking.
Just sneak out and don't tell a soul goodbye.

Check yes Juliet here's the countdown
3... 2... 1... now fall in my arms now
They can change the locks
don't let them change your mind

We're flying through the night
Way up high,
The view from here is getting better with
You by my side

Check Yes Juliet, by We The Kings

This is my first cover ever since starting guitar from scratch six months ago. Took quite awhile to improvise the strumming pattern to make it similar to the original powerpop/rock version. The accoustic version done by the band is totally different as it is in a different key and is played using two guitars.

It is the best of four recording attempts one lazy afternoon. Apologies for the crappy sound quality as I used a cheap digital recorder. We The Kings are relatively unknown and very underrated. This song is a perfect companion to Love Story by Taylor Swift.

Warming Up

2009-08-16T22:08:00.008+08:00

"It is my perception of others that needs to change. I just sense that a bit of isolation will do me good; to create an inner desire/want/impetus to click, connect and put mental effort towards other people (ie. becoming more extroverted). This, combined with a healthy lifestyle, healthy diet, healthy body, and healthy mind should hopefully lead to a healthy social life, come 2009." - The Big Red Chilli, Oct 2008

"I am glad that I am finally feeling lonely. Thank god. I was beginning to think that there was something wrong with me. Anyway, I am now starting to feel the urge/compulsion/desire/want to interact with others. It took a few weeks of social isolation but I think it was well worth it." - Unemployed, In Pain, Lonely, December 2008

Warming up
Months ago, I felt like I had lost my humanity. I wasnt able to warm up to people. To approach with empathy - to click, so to speak. But now that I have my life sorted out, I find myself warming up to people. I am 23, and this is long long overdue. I find that it comes naturally, I dont have to put any conscious effort into remembering things about people anymore. I go with the flow, and see where it takes me.

Randomness
It's time to roll the dice. Riding on smiles. People are friendly. People are nice. It's good to meet new people. Random people. They are playing the game of life, just like yourself. And these people have friends too. And friends of friends. And acquaintances. Sheer randomness. As I mix and mingle I feel my character, my personality developing. It is my own. It is based on nobody. I am truly myself. Finally..

Loss of the "la"
An acquaintance told me she didnt think I was Malaysian. Apparently, I dont have any detectable accent - neither Malay, Chinese nor Manglish...and I dont use "la" when I talk. Hmm, I never noticed myself change, so I guess I must have changed slowly since coming to Australia. My English accent has never been like the English accents of the Chinese or Malays. I grew up on a diet of Sesame Street and Electric Company and had a flawless American accent...until primary school where I picked up the Chinese-Malaysian-English accent. In secondary school, i moved to a predominantly Malay school, and my accent changed again. Now people say that I dont have any detectable accent. I speak neutral English so to speak. I dont speak like the Malay Malaysians, I dont speak like the Chinese Malaysians, I dont speak like the Indian Malaysians. I speak like Ezra.

The Turning Of The Tides

2009-07-25T22:00:00.000+08:00

Through darkness I found my way.
Charting my own path.
My way.
My destiny.
I am in control.

I am thankful for sustenance.
My physical being thrives.
I feel myself growing.
Yet I never loosened my belt.
I feel awesome.

I embrace the world
And the realities I once avoided
Soothing lies exposed
Childish fears expunged
Escapism nil.

Unchained from the shackles of mind
My sense of self grows.
My personality.
I am myself. Yes.
And I will do all I can do to keep that.

The tides have changed.
I taste it in the water.
I feel it in the earth.
I smell it in the air.
It is time to shine.

Game of life - Win.

Day, One.

2009-07-18T14:26:00.006+08:00

"It's like I've known you forever..."

I only knew her for a day. Of a different nationality, upbringing, and mother tongue. I once thought that cultural compatibility was what really mattered in the game of love. Perhaps not.

Angel
My friends said I changed. No dirty jokes. No antagonism. No sarcasm. Just me. For a day at least. It came naturally. I did not intentionally try to be anything im not..and for some reason that day I was just different. Perhaps she changed me, temporarily at least. I've got to be like that more often.

Friend of Friends
Easy to approach, unlike a stranger. If there is chemistry, empathy ensues. I need to expand my social circle. For friends have friends.

To Whom It May Concern
It's unfortunate that we should meet at such a late hour. You are different from others...and I wish I had a chance to say goodbye. Time will tell if our paths shall cross again. I hope they do. Till then, I wish you the best in your endeavors.

The Primitive Mind

2009-06-14T21:31:00.007+08:00

NOTICE: the contents of this post may likely hurt some people. read with discretion. you have been warned. read carefully before commenting so you dont end up putting words in my mouth. I have made every attempt to make it as non-sexist and politically correct as possible. The next post will (likely) be related to this one, so please dont read too deeply into this post just yet. I write from experience and observation. I have not read any books on the topics raised in this post. If you detect any similarity with what you may have come across, it is purely coincidental.

The Primitive Mind and Inner Calm
The primitive mind knows when you are in control of your life, and you are taking care of yourself well, and you have a stable circle of friends. You will have inner calm.You may not see the connection between social activity and healthy eating habits, but it is real as the primitive mind is intrinsically involved in your eating habits. They are all inter-linked. Let's take the example of someone who is socially isolated: The primitive mind panics when it senses social isolation. You go into sympathetic overdrive and your health falters. You lose sleep. You lose the ability to focus and empathize. Your social wellbeing suffers. Your personality deteriorates. Your life's balance is thrown out of the window, you start eating less and your ability to provide for yourself suffers as well. You will have no inner calm.

The Game of Life
What does it really mean to be successful? To own lots of stuff? To feed oneself and one's family? To be spiritually strong? To ~~fuck~~ go forth and procreate with someone worthy to bear successful offspring? The apple does not fall far from the tree. Different people will have different agendas, but at the end of the day it serves to satisfy one primitive desire - success.

The Lie Of The Mind
Truth hurts. The reality of the world is that everyone is trying to be the best they can be. There can only be winners if there are losers - High paying jobs exist because they are low paying ones; Singles exist because nobody who was acceptably* attractive wanted to be in a relationship with them.

Of course, everyone also likes to think that they are right - or just playing along in the game of life. The rich executive doesnt think twice to pay his poor low level worker the "market rate". The attractive guy/girl doesnt give any chance to an unworthy girl/guy to empathize (and thus risking falling in love) with him/her.

At the other end of the spectrum, the low level worker may think to him/herself that "money doesnt buy happiness" to feel better about him/herself. True, money does not buy happiness...but it sure as hell doesnt buy sadness. The unattractive person on the other hand may say to himself/herself that "attractiveness" does not guarantee one would find love. True, attractiveness does not guarantee you will find love...but it sure as hell doesnt make it more difficult to do so.

"Happiness" cannot be quantified, but if we take suicide as an endpoint measurement of happiness, then we could quite conclusively say that poor people are less happy than rich people. The role of attractiveness in finding love is a bit more complex as people have different definitions of love and attractiveness. Sure, read the tabloids and you will find a zillion stories of attractive celebrities breaking up with one another. That is the rationale that some single people use to feel better about themselves. It is non-sequitur. Sure, attractive people break up - but they were in a (loving?) relationship to begin with; and they dont stay single for long! If us humans didnt prize/value/admire attractiveness, then the cosmetic surgery industry would close down...and the same people reading about the zillions of celebrity breakups would not be interested in celebrities in the first place! Yeah, I think Jessica Alba, Beyonce Knowles, and Miranda Kerr are attractive. Face the truth: Being attractive is pretty damn important to getting a partner you consider attractive. Show me one hot girl who is with a guy who is shorter and lighter than she is. I rest my case.

Some unattractive people eventually settle for what is available to them as they approach the age of desperation (30 and never been in a relationship). ie They did not have their choice selection of a partner. To feel better, they tell themselves that looks dont matter when it comes to love. This is very true though. Attractiveness really does not matter when it comes to true love. However, humans are picky with who they fall in love with. And dont forget that these people would have very much liked to have fallen love with a more attractive person...and only settled for who they did as they were desperate. Hence, attractiveness not mattering when it comes to love does not change the fact that people value attractiveness. There is a reason all the guys wanted to get to know more about the girl with the great set of TnA (tits and ass) who has a acceptable personality, in the same way all the girls wanted to get to know more about the guy who has proven that his genes are successful in life and he is thriving: healthy body. healthy mind. healthy social life. There is nothing more unattractive to girls than a short, shy, loser who cant seem to keep a job, feeds himself crap (his body will reflect this), doesnt seem to have any friends, wanks to tentacle porn every night, and cant seem to hold a decent conversation.

Let's not lie to ourselves. No, time is not an excuse. "Career" is not an excuse either. "Fate" is not an excuse for all ya religionists out there. It boggles my mind how some people tell themselves these things to justify why they are single. It's really quite sad because with such excuses excludes themselves from the dating game, and increases the chances they will remain single for longer. For girls, attractiveness/fertility eventually fades, making it even more difficult to find someone willing to fall in love with them - even though love is blind and looks dont matter. For guys, there is nothing more pathethic than the 40 year old virgin. Nuff said.

Everyone wants the best career they can get, and the best partners to produce offspring that are successful. Ok fine... you could probably exclude some people who generously chose to eliminate themselves from the gene pool. Such as monks and nuns, and the winners of the darwin award.

The primitive mind wants success.
The primitive mind values attractiveness.

You cannot deny this. It is human nature. To deny this would be to live a lie. To deny this publicly while secretly pursuing success/attractiveness...is bloody selfish hypocrisy. Sad to say I do know some people are like this. I have no respect for them.

*different people have different standards and ideas about this, so im leaving it open to whatever you, the reader considers attractive.

The Return Of The King.
It took me over two years living alone to realize the above, for some things have to be learned through experience. Through malnutrition I came to see the importance of providence. Through isolation I learned what it really meant to empathize. Through sleep deprivation I have taken to heart the importance of a healthy circadian rhythm.

The rose tinted glasses that shrouded my realities were finally shattered this year. As I overcame the lie of the mind, I found myself with the willpower, strength and vigor to make real changes to my life, my being. For the truth expunged the lie, and now, my mind is set. No more lies. I want to succeed, both romantically and in my career.

I want to find a nice girl to fall in love with. Someone whom I can relate to and who is also reasonably attractive. I want to be all I can be in my chosen career.

The primitive desire to succeed in life runs strong within me. It is the dynamo of volition that drives me to make myself a better man. I realize that the real goal in life is to thrive and be at the top of my game - and that is exactly what I intend to do.

So what does it really mean to "be a man"?
Over the next couple of months I will be blogging about the following themes:

S E C U R I T Y | empathy, humility, career progression & stability, family.
P H Y S I C A L | providence, exercise
C I R C A D I A N | sleep, arousal, light, (!) stimulants
C O N T R O L | (!) sympathethic/parasympathetic, (!) vices
S P I R I T | core, calm, purpose
K N O W L E D G E | kinesthetic, time management, deep learning, artisan.

The HEAVY Post

2009-05-26T04:36:00.000+08:00

"Run! Cowards! Hahahahaha"

Team Fortress II: The Most Awesome Match Ever!
It was near midnight on cp_fastlane. Red team had a bunch of clan mates and were dominating the blue team. Suddenly, all the blue team guys decided to go Engineer and built 12 level 3 sentries at their final capture point!!! I was with the red team. We decided to all go spy. For a few rounds in a row, we were all playing as the same class. The most epic battle took place when both teams, all 24 players, went Soldier. The rocket war was spectacular especially during the initial charge to the mid-capture point. I've played over 100 hours of TFII and this is the first time I've ever experienced such an awesome stacking of the same class.

Mission Possible: Project RAM Interlude
With Phase I complete (raise lean mass by 20kg), I decided to go for the Mission Possible challenge at the gym. The rules were simple, hit the gym 15 times in the month of May to stand a chance to win a bicycle or ski trip. I managed that in just 20 days. Now I'm pretty much burnt out (overtraining) so I'm going to rest for a week before starting Phase II, that will focus on cardiovascular health, an area that was neglected in Phase I. Free weights will also replace many machine based exercises.

Fever For The Flavour
Proper nutrition is within my grasp. I can finally say with confidence that I could feed myself consistently. Two years fending for myself and a _lot_ of failures in the kitches has taught me what works and what doesnt. For cooking is an art. I follow no recipes and start with the end in mind. Hmm, I have a tomato. I wonder what I can do with it... and go from there. I've also acquired a wonderful professional heavy bottomed saute pan for less than half price that enables me to cook seriously good sauces. I've binned my Gravox and shoved my teflon pans into the darkest corner of my cupboard. Deglazing FTW!

Russel Peter Say: "Be.A.Man"
I feel it in me. I cant explain it. I dont feel intimidated by life anymore. I feel like I'm up to the challenge. I know that I will triumph in the face of adversity. I know I can take care of myself. People interact with me very differently now. I feel that I have a much increased affect? Confidence in oneself. A healthier outlook on life. The dynamo of volition runs strong within me. I see it in the mirror. I see it in the smiles of others. I see the tattered social fabric of my life coming together. And if there ever was a judge of my character... I no longer stutter and lose words in the presence of the most beautiful woman I've ever known.

P R O V I D E N C E

2009-04-29T21:34:00.005+08:00

"You are what you eat"

A man's mettle is really determined by how good a provider he is. If a man cannot provide for himself, how can he possibly provide for others? When you provide for yourself, your body thrives, and this is reflected not only in your physical build, but also in your personality. I've never felt so alive. I feel good. I want to interact with others. I feel like it. I feel awesome.

Last year my diet was pathetic. Over summer break, I managed to push up my caloric intake from 1300 to 2500 a day. I shopped almost every day and had lots of fresh produce. Importantly, vast advances were made in food storage and preparation. I did not really learn to cook from my mother. I cook what I've discovered from experimentation and looking at what others make in the communal kitchen of the halls.

An unexpected event has forced me to shop weekly once again. I find it really obvious how much my diet has changed. From consuming about 3 proper meals a week, I now consume at least 10 proper meals a week. More importantly, those meals are balanced, with a healthy daily serving of carbohydrates, protein and ruffage. I consume about 80g of protein a day, and even with a pretty heavy gym/pool schedule, I do not require any supplements.

This week's menu: Ginger beef w/ spring onion on rice (3 meals). Cream based pasta w/ heaps of fish (4 meals). Couscous bake with beef and cheese (2-3 meals). Spag Bog (1-2 meals). Mash and grilled salmon steak (2 meals). *note: I buy my lunch at work.

Protein:
3L 2% milk
1kg full cream yoghurt
2 x fresh tasman salmon fillets
3 x vietnamese basa fillets
1kg beef
300g cheese
1/2 dozen eggs

Carbohydrates:
Rice, pasta, couscous and mash. White bread for breakfast.

Ruffage:
200g leafy greens (italian mix)
5 large navel oranges
2 x 1L fresh squeezed low acid orange juice.
1kg muscat grapes

Dietary Supplements:
approx 2L Sanatarium Up & Go - I dont always have time for breakfast. 500ml of this has the same amount of protein from 2 eggs, fiber of 4 weet bix, 400 calories (low GI) and less than 2g of saturated fat! It's also very low in salt. I'd reccomend this to anyone.

This Year's Gear: A generic heavy bottomed non-stick cooking pot. A ss aluminium soup pot. A george foreman grill. Proper 15" chopping board for greens and foods consumed raw. 10" board for meats. A santoku and a standard fillet knife. Light Correlle plates and bowls. A full set of containers: plastic roll caps for meals and fruit servings. Pyrex tubs for oily foods.

Last Year's Gear: A thin bottomed steel pot that was impossible to clean. A thin bottomed frying pan that kept on burning my food. No chopping board - i used paper towels. One standard fillet knife. A really heavy earthen bowl and plate from the dollar shop. A few plastic tubs from the dollar shop.

Awesome FTW!

Easter Break

2009-04-24T23:00:00.000+08:00

Easter Friday was the day the first phase of Project RAM (14 weeks) was completed. I am now at a healthy weight for a person of my gender and ethnicity - a full 20kg heavier than I was just a year ago.

Over here in Australia, Easter break lasts for a week. I had a blast. It started off with a 2N3D camp organized by the Malaysian Society at Phillip Island. Met heaps of new people, had lots of fun activities. More importantly though, I feel that my self confidence is returning. I cant explain it, but since maintaining a ~2500cal diet, I find that I have a lot more drive to socialize and empathize with others. That said, the social neglect in the gloomiest of times have not left me unmarred. There is still much that needs to be done in the area of people skills.

Got back the following monday. Exhausted. Rested on tuesday. Went for a party at Panorama st with some people I met from camp on Wednesday. Crashed for the night.

Got a parking ticket the next morning. Monash City Council only allows HALF HOUR parking during the day (from 8am)... what a bloody rip off. The street was so clear and broad and empty (it was a dead end street!) that there is no reason to have such restrictions other than to make money. Other city councils (such as Maroondah) are much nicer and are alot more lenient on parking (free in most residential areas with wide roads). To the people who are behind this bastard1zed parking system: I hope that you are disfigured and maimed in an accident, and that your children are born retarded, and that you die a slow painful death, and rot in the seventh layer of hell for eternity.

Friday was the first Lazer Tag event organized by ME! THe final tally was 14 people. If you are reading this, thank you so much for participating. The event was a complete success. Played 3 games on a 6th gen LaserForce system. It was awesome!

The next day, I visited the sand sculpture exhibition down at Frankston beach with the photography club. It feels good to start taking pictures again. Made some new friends and all in all we had a good time. Real heavy dinner at Sofia's before heading back. Still not tired enough. So we went to play pool at Princes. Was back shortly before midnight.

Sunday shall be known as the day of washing. I washed the most clothes I have ever washed before... in addition to a sleeping bag and a windbreaker.

And so the Easter "break" ended. I was more tired after than I was before.

..with no regrets.

Phillip Island Camp - $165
Party at friend's place - $15
Parking ticket the next morning - $60
Lazer Tag - $25
Sand Sculpture Exhibition - $12
Dinner at Sofia's - $15
Pool at Princes - $7
Feeling that my life is back on track... PRICELESS.

"Creeped"

2009-03-27T09:39:00.004+08:00

Update (14/6/09)
Guys, many people seem to have misinterpreted this article. Please do not put words in my mouth. NOBODY is saying that a guy has to be buff to get a girlfriend. Not me. Not anyone. What I did say was that girls dont like guys who are frail (or two physically deficient) for potential romantic (non-platonic) relationships...in the same way girls simply dont like falling in love with guys who are shorter and lighter than they are. Call me a romanticist, for I believe that love is blind - money/looks dont matter when it comes to love. That said, people are picky with who they fall in love with. There is a reason why some people get all the attention, whilst others are ignored...especially when it comes to romantic (non-platonic) relationships. What I am effectively saying is: Ugly girls and guys who are pathethic losers* will find it difficult to find a date on a Friday night.

*failing in life. Opposite of thriving in life. Physically, mentally, socially...etc.

"Creeped"

Humans are hypocrites by nature. They all want to believe that they are doing the right thing, and twist the truth as much as they can to feel good about themselves. In no other aspect of life is this more apparent than in the game of love.

Have you ever wondered why some really pretty girls appear to be arrogant? They avoid eye contact and may even shrug you off if you try to chat them up. Ok, not all pretty girls are like that but you know what Im talking about. At the end of the day, many of them are "creeped" out by random guys approaching them. SO what does it mean to be "creeped"?

"Creeped" is the natural human response to being approached by potential partners who are perceived (even subconsciously) to be of an unacceptable standard (too unattractive). The pretty girls who have a wide selection of guys who want to date them thus have a higher standard by default, and are hence more likely to be creeped when approached by a random average Joe. It's very politically incorrect to say this, but being "creeped" is simply natures way of telling you not to potentially reproduce/make_babies with inferior genetic material. For guys chasing girls, good genetic material means shapely tall, fertile hourglass bodies. For girls chasing guys, good genetic material means a reasonably buff physique (from good nutrition/exercise), success, and social dominance in life. Social dominance is invariably tied to money in the modern world.

For example: All girls like to tell themselves that they are going to settle for a "nice" guy. But have you ever considered that girls only notice the "niceness" of the so called "nice" guys who are reasonably financially stable and physically attractive? If a "nice" guy who's reasonably good looking and financially stable shows interest in a girl (short 2s eye contact and a small smile), she is likely to reciprocate... but if a poor, short, ugly-as-fvck, shy, pushover kinda guy shows the exact same interest in a girl (short 2 s eye contact and a small smile).. she would be "creeped out" - even IF the second guy has a much nicer, more humble personality. This prevents a person from empathizing with people whom are perceived to be genetically inferior. Empathy is the foundation of any relationship.

Everybody wants a "nice" partner. But will only empathize and realize the "niceness" of others who are attractive. Many set their standards too high and will eventually have to settle for less...and start noticing the "niceness" of people they have not previously considered. This group of people tend to "fall in love" as they approach 30... They tell themselves that they settled for someone "nice"... but face it... many of them could not have done any better and had settled for less. Spend enough time with someone (even if you dont find them attractive initially) and chances are you will start to notice the "niceness" in them...

Let's not be sexist. Being creeped applies to guys as well. Last summer a half drunk woman started coming on to me, pushing her shoulders together to emphasize her cleavage and pouting her lips trying to look cute as she approached and tried to rub against me... I'm not a very attractive guy and that was the first time anyone has come on to me like that. Good for me? NO! She looked like she had been beaten with an ugly stick. I swear that I nearly threw up. I got goosebumps and felt like leaving the room.

Some of my friends wonder why I am suddenly so interested in going to the gym. Well, the answer is really simple. I dont want to creep girls out. It is the same reason why I pursue knowledge and studied very hard to get into the course of my choice. I study to secure my future and have a successful, fruitful career. I hit the gym and eat well for the same reason. I am reasonably financially secure but to succeed in the game of love I also need a reasonably masculine physique. Hence, I hit the gym to increase the odds that I will be successful in the game of love. To be successful in the game of love means not settling for less and ultimately building a loving relationship with a woman who is worthy and will bear successful children (with good genes) whom in turn will be successful in life.

Aim for the treetops, you'll land on the floor.
Aim for the sky, you'll land on the treetops.

I am 23 and single. It is time to aim for the sky.

Face The Truth™

The Dynamo Of Volition

2009-03-20T22:01:00.009+08:00

The continuations of my dreams seduce me.
I see, I acknowledge, I realize.
My inadequacies, my weaknesses, my flaws.
No excuses!
For truth expunged the lies that soothed me.
Facing adversity I shall not cower
Not lowering my standards.
I will fight to the bitter end.
I will be awesome.

Legendary.

Lim, Lim, Limm, Singh, and Flavell.

2009-03-04T23:30:00.001+08:00

During the ward rounds the names of the team members present would be written on the patient's history. In my ward round last friday, the heading read: "WR: Lim, Singh, Lim, Flavell, Limm". Yup, that's right, there are three Lim's. THe first Lim is Andy Lim, the consultant heading the team. Rajesh Singh is our Registrar. Mei Lim is the intern. Adam Flavell is a fifth year. I am last on the pecking order. Whoever this Lim guy was back in the day in China he must have been a real hit with the ladies judging from the number of Limlets around. Lim's are everywhere!!! But my Lim is special. I am Limm. The extra M is for Magnificent. Macho. Manly... ok ok... let's not get carried away. Lim (林) simply means forrest.

My middle name Iskandar is a malay transliteration of the turkish name Iskander. The English know Iskander as Alexander. But Alexander is really just a latinized form of the greek word Αλεξανδρος (Alexandros) that means "defending men (n.)".

Finally, my first name Ezra provokes a lot of interest for some reason. Apparently it isnt very common. Ezra ( עֶזְרָא عزير ) is about as biblical a name as any. He was one of Moses' groupies. "Ezra" means "help" in hebrew.

So yeah. My name actually reads:

Help Defend Forrest.

Hmmph, maybe I was an elf in a past life or something. Currently I do not have the long blond hair, blue eyes, natural archery/riding skills, eagle eyesight and pointy ears. I do however have the same awesomeness as said elves.

woot.

Falling Into Place.

2009-02-10T17:44:00.008+08:00

I feel like everything is coming together...falling into place.

And so the third year of my course begins. I am now at Monash Medical Center (MMC), and the people there are just amazing. I feel like a sponge. Everywhere I go there are new things to learn. The fifth year students, interns and doctors are all very helpful and pleasant to work with. It is a patient centered learning environment and I am enjoying every minute of it. We are taken on ward rounds and are being exposed to the ways in which patients are being managed. There is no real "work" to speak of. What I learn depends almost totally on my prerogative - the course handbooks only gives an outline of what we need to know. Medicine is not about memorizing drugs, it is really about clinical reasoning. How well I manage integrate clinical reasoning, people skills, and procedural skills will determine how good a doctor I become. Streams of thought must be coherent, and in the face of a medical problem, I must be able to connect the dots.

I am very happy to be placed at MMC: It is a big place with all the different types of wards (eg. Neuro, Resp, GI, Cardio, etc). I will spend four weeks in each of the eight wards - being exposed to as much as possible... sponging up knowledge as I go along. Schedules are made on the fly to accomodate the packed schedules of the doctors and consultants who give us tutorials. Third year is pretty much an 8am-5pm job. The very big differennce is that there is alot of ~~homework~~ things that require further study and mental effort. I wake at 6.30 to be able to make it on time. There is simply no time to cook. I have lunch at the MMC cafeteria and dinner at the mess hall on weekdays. The food at MMC is really good, if a little on the pricey side...and the coffee is one of the best I've had in Melbourne. The people are awesome. The course is awesome. The food is awesome. The coffee is awesome. What more could I ask for?

Last friday, I finally managed to get my hands on the album of a band that I have been listening to for months. Only one store in australia had it, and what do ya know... It was in Ringwood, just a couple (ok, maybe more than a couple) of suburbs away. Took a nice long drive after class and snapped the last two copies of their album just before the store closed.

The icing on the cake is that the most beautiful woman in my cohort happened to be placed in MMC as well. My personal benchmark for female beauty. I pray that one day I will be in her league, but a little eye candy to motivate myself to get out of bed in the morning and be all that I can be in my relentless effort to be a better man couldnt hurt.
Confident. Knowledgable. Respected. Well groomed.

In the words of Barney Stinson: L-E-G-E-N-D-A-R-Y

40 Degrees

2009-02-05T20:33:00.004+08:00

After what was a very pleasant, unusually cold summer, things started to get hot. Very hot. Melbourne has never been this hot in over a century. More than 60 trains were cancelled due to buckling tracks. Power grids crashed under the load of everyone turning on their air conditioners.

The body is 37C.
The wind is 40C.
My room was 45C when the sun was shining in.
Hot. Really, really hot.
Fans are more like hairdryers.

But not was all bad. Due to the drought the soccer pitch is only watered at night. Playing in the 'rain' was unbelievably awesome. It was past midnight and the sprinklers at the sports oval were being turned on one by one. Four of us were playing football in the semi darkness of the dimly lit oval at 2 in the morning. Drenched, a thought crossed my mind.

Me: Hey, isnt there a drought right now? Isnt this illegal?
John: Well maybe, but I think it's only during the day that it is not allowed cuz far less water is wasted at night.
Krish: Yeah, and it's not tapwater they're using. It's probably grey water.
Me: Grey water?
Krish: You know, the stuff that drains from the sinks and showers.
Me: ...
John: I think we better shower when we get back.

woot.

Flush On The River

2009-01-22T22:53:00.009+08:00

I am glad to announce that the theme of this blog is no longer reflections of humanity. I am tired of writing about why I think life is the way it is - I want to focus on life itself. All the colors and subtle nuances. All the experiences. And most importantly, all the people that make it meaningful and colorful.

The one and only game begins.
Two cards lay before me.
A three and a ten of hearts.

The clock ticks.
A seven of hearts lay before me.
A jack of spades looked at me.
A king of clubs led the flop.

I felt the fear within me.
My enemies plotted against me.
I had nothing.

I had no choice in this one and only game.
I had to call the bet.
The stakes were raised.

In the glimpse of an eye, the next card was dealt.
It was the five of hearts.
Everyone bet in equal parts.
The stakes were raised.

Not a pair. Not a straight.I had nothing.
I despaired.

Then came the river.
With bated breath I took a look.
The number four just lay there...
Laughing at me,
Mocking me.

My enemies grinned.
The stakes were raised even further.
I wanted to fold and leave the game.
Defeated. Lost.

In that moment of darkness,
I listened to the words of an elder,
Who made me realize that all was not in vain.
I had five hearts.
Flush on the river!

There was a time when I felt defeated. Social ties were left to collect dust. I stopped dancing. I (unintentionally) starved myself. My health; my wellbeing; faltered... In retrospect, the difficult periods I faced in the two years I have been away from home were not in vain. I grew as a person. It gave me resilience and thought me how to take control of my life.

Asides from my study commitments, 2009 will be all about building/maintaining social networks and attaining peak physical form. I really hope to start dancing (salsa) soon. Everything is falling into place. Things are looking very bright. I had a flush on the river...

No Such Thing

2009-01-12T21:50:00.008+08:00

______Welcome to the real world; She said to me kind of condescendingly; Take a seat, take your life; Plot it out in black and white; Well I never lived the dreams of the prom kings; And the drama queens; Id like to think the best of me; Is still hiding up my sleeve.
______So the good boys and girls take the so-called right track; Faded white hats grabbing the credits and making transfers; They read all the books but they cant find the answers; And all of our parents, theyre getting older; I wonder if theyve wished for anything better.
______While in their memories, tiny tragedies; They love to tell you stay inside the lines; But somethings better on the other side. I wanna run through the halls of my high school; I wanna scream at the top of my lungs; I just found out theres no such thing as the real world; Just a lie youve got to rise above.. -No Such Thing, by John Mayer.

Values. Inherent in everyone and available in all shades of colors. Some are to a person's detriment. Some are fundamental to success. We grow up absorbing our values from those around us. From society. From people.

Society wants us to conform. To stay inside the lines. To live according to it's values, for good or for worse. As time passes, we develop our own values. We learn what values are good for us and what are to our detriment.

It is time for me to shed the values that have tainted my perception of the world..and to nurture the values that would make me a better person. Humility is just a word. To be humble of mind and actions will be the ultimate test of my character. Humility of actions is easily achieved by those who are (physically) weak, but humility of mind is a totally different matter. The temptation to resort to arrogance of mind to feel good about myself in the face of adversity is strong...but there is hope. For the light of truth shines through the lie; humbling an arrogant mind.

Where The Advice of Others Failed...

2009-01-01T11:32:00.010+08:00

This post was drafted on 1st Jan 2009, but was only published five days later as I was looking for a suitable picture and new border style. *thanks to anonymous (10/1/09) for pointing out the inappropriateness of the use of the word "elder". The post has been edited appropriately to make it more politically correct.

(1) A socially retarded person who spent his youth as an outcast once told his brother: "Friends are not important, they come and go..". But he did not tell his brother that it brought him much suffering during his youth. Through the pain of isolation, he had learnt to cope by telling himself that friends were not important to feel good about himself.

(2) An ugly person who only hooked up in his mid 30s and married when he was 39 told his teen friend: "Dont worry, someone will come along. Just focus on your work and dont be too concerned". But he did not tell his disciple that he had suffered years of loneliness, and at the end was so desperate that he had to settle for an unattractive girl that other guys had shunned. Married out of desperation... but called it love after awhile. He never experienced loving sex in the prime of his life... but his disciple never learnt this... and was doomed to follow in his footsteps.

(3) A fat person has been battling obesity for as long as he can remember and tells his friend: "Eat less. Dont eat so much. Eventually your stomach will expand and your appetite will become uncontrollable. You will become fat so fast. Look at me. Look at what happened to our friend who was once slim". But he forgot that his disciple was not a glutton. His disciple avoided overeating like the plague. He got used to suppressing his appetite. When times were rough, he missed meals but never bothered and never felt hungry. He lost weight to a point where he was a walking stick. When he realizes the fallacy of the advice he was give, precious years at the prime of his life has been wasted.

(4) A religionist is proud of his religion and regularly blesses marraiges. He tells his friend: "Marraige protects you against disease and increases your longetivity". But he didnt tell his friend that that was only a statistical correlation. Humans want to reproduce/marry/lay/make_babies with other humans who are worthy. Beautiful girls with hourglass figures and socially dominant men are at the top of the gene pool and are attractive and thus more likely to marry. Those that remain single all their life are likely to be those whom are not _thriving_ (a subject of a later post) and are thus so unattractive that they couldnt find someone who is willing to marry/make_babies/lay/bang them. People who are not thriving tend to be less attractive to the opposite sex. Hence, the real reason why people who never marry have shorter lives is that they are more likely to be less healthy. Healthy people tend to be more attractive and are more likely to marry.

Just because they have more experience than you does not mean that they are wise. They are wise only behind rose tinted glasses...believing what they want to believe. What makes them feel good about themselves. They are human beings and do have flaws. Im not saying that their advice is useless; quite often, it is to the contrary. What's important is to realize that prejudices and bias that can work against your development as a person may rub off on to you if advice is not taken with a pinch of salt.

(1) I will put more heart and mind into others for empathy is the prelude of friendship.
(2) I will open my heart to others, for it is better to have loved and lost, than to not have loved at all.
(3) I will eat well and in moderation.
(4) I will put effort into making myself body beautiful.

Most importantly, I will break the rose tinted glasses that have tainted my realities. I will not see what I want to see out of arrogance. In the face of adversity I will approach bitterness and pain with humility and calm. May god give me the strength to face my weaknesses and insecurities.

It is 2009, and this is my resolve.

Where the advice of others failed...I will succeed.

Thanks For Visiting, Site Review 2008

2008-12-25T20:34:00.007+08:00

The number of pageloads has increased dramatically, while the number of return visitors doubled. This, I believe, is partially due to the increase of traffic from google images. From the detailed logs, I know that they make up roughly half of the unique visits each day.

Latest Weekly Snapshot

A "returning visitor" is defined as a visitor who opens the blog and reaccesses it more than three hours later. The system isnt perfect but it is smart enough not to register my own visits. However, if someone opens my blog from a different computer or browser, it will not register as a returning visit but rather as a unique visit. Due to the amount of data collected, the statistics are valid despite these shortcomings.

The Pleasure Principle

2008-12-24T16:16:00.002+08:00

Sharp.

What makes you feel good about yourself? Different people look to different things for pleasure. Of course, what pleasures are available to them is often determined by circumstance, yet as a person grows he/she has a certain amount of control over his/her destiny - and thus the pleasures that are available to him/her.

I contend that the pleasures available to a person determines the person's beliefs - for everyone will believe what makes them feel good about themselves. This is all fine and dandy in theory, but in the real world, people are not born equal. Some are rich; Some are poor; Some a beautiful; Some are ugly - To varying degrees of course.

This explains alot about what drives people to do what they do. When there is wealth, hedonistic pleasures are abundant. It is not surprising that in the first world, people tend to turn to hedonistic pleasures to feel good about themselves. It feels good to indulge yourself with worldly possessions and pastimes such as clubbing. When wealth is scarce, people have a tendency to turn to a belief system to feel good about themselves. Native people have ceremonies and rituals. Others turn to religion (whatever it may be) to give them a sense of purpose. It can be argued that religion does exist in the first world, but the reality is that when push comes to shove, people seek pleasure from hedonism and not religion - and that is where their allegence lies (despite technically having inherited a religion. no longer practiced of course). It's no coincidence that religion has been cast aside to funerals/marraiges and festive holidays in wealthy first world countries.

In the the game of love, the pleasure principle explains alot of what I have been experiencing. I am an honest person. When asked about why I go to the gym, my answer is as short and concise as possible - "to be more attractive to the girls...duh". I've been observing people's initial responses to that answer, and I have (subjectively) noticed a trend. Attractive/beautiful people's first response tends to be supportive (eg. "oh..that's wonderful"). Less-attractive people are less likely to do so. More importantly, the less attractive people are likely to give me a short lecture on why looks are not important (!). It was almost as if they took offence to my statement. Could it be that (physically) unattractive people are telling themselves that raw physical attractiveness is not as important as character/charm to feel good about themselves? It's a question that begs to be answered... As far as I know, girls are just as attracted by raw animal magnetism as guys. The girls that say they just want a sweet, nice, guy never realize that they only notice the "sweet, nice" characteristics of the guys with reasonably hot bodies. Similarly, guys tend to notice the good characteristics of the pretty girls. Many girls dont want to believe that raw physical attraction plays a key role in finding a partner, but in reality, how many couples (when they first met, early 20s) do you know of where the guy is both shorter and lighter than the girl? Ultimately girls do not notice the "nice" characteristics of guys who are both shorter and lighter than they are - and this is why physical build is important to a guy in the game of love.

I am not denying that character and cultural values also play a part in the game of love, but to deny the value of animal magnetism is to live a lie. Indeed, the attractive people are usually cautious and do mention that looks arent everything, after supporting my pursuit to increase my raw animal magnetism. The unattractive people often dont support my pursuit at all and they seem to hold strongly to the idea that they are somehow unaffected by raw animal magnetism - a belief/conviction (I contend) that makes them feel good about themselves.

The Evolution of Me.

2008-12-16T01:12:00.003+08:00

2007, 2008, 2009?

2009 is filled with uncertainty. I need to somehow rebuild the personal relationships that have been left to collect dust. This will have to happen somehow along with an 8am-5pm daily grind at the Monash Medical Center. On the other hand, I can already feel myself changing physically with a proper workout routine. It is likely I will be quite different by the end of 2009. With a reasonably good physique, 2009 would hopefully mark the end of a 3 year absence from the game of love. Through malnourishment I learnt the importance of physique in the game of love. Through isolation I learnt the importance of nurturing personal relationships. Through the failures that resulted from ignorance, I learnt the importance of humility - even in my own thoughts and monologues. The evolution of me continues...

2008 will be remembered as the year I faced the bitter truth of emotional and physical realities. I have paid the price for not nurturing personal relationships. There was no one to blame but myself - I did not have the desire to take an interest in others. After intentionally isolating myself (relatively) during the summer break, I felt the desire grow. The want, the need, the thirst for human interaction now permeates through my being. Pride/arrogance/ego makes one find excuses and explanations to oneself that deviate far from truth. Excuses lead to complacency and ignorance. 2008 ended with the discovery of proper strength training. I used to be so ignorant. I thought jumping around a court, running, and doing simple chest presses were adequate exercise to elevate my physical form from one that was very malnourished (link).

2007 is the year I turned 21. Life in Melbourne has opened my eyes to the reality that is the world. I overcame my childish fears (link) and realized my weaknesses (link). Overcoming despair and sweeping away the remnants of the cold ash that darkened my heart gave me much insight - yet from 1997 it took me ten years to even realize simple truths such as those outlined in ladder theory (link). As much as I had reflected on issues surrounding me, I was looking at only the truths that I wanted to see. This is why 2007 is so special in the development of me as a person. It will be remembered as the year spent transcending the inner bigot. I am beginning to find my center. Spiritual issues have been resolved. I have financial security and I am in the country/university/course of my choosing. The veil has been lifted. I see now that the final frontier in my development as a person will need to revolve around interpersonal skills and kinesthetic knowledge - two things that I had consistently neglected for the past ten years. Things are looking bright. I've never felt better.

Unemployed. In Pain. Lonely.

2008-12-07T23:10:00.006+08:00

Three Color Illusion

Unemployed: I have not received any responses from the places I applied to. After trying to apply online, I went around shopping malls looking for a job the old fashioned way. That was early last week. Havent heard anything yet. Perhaps I should have applied a little earlier - a few managers I spoke to said that they had been hiring for the summer months way back in October. It's almost mid December, so I doubt I'll be able to find a job now. The economic outlook for Australia is not very bright either with the global recession starting to have an effect down under.

Pain: I am now hurting. All over. I feel it in my chest. Everywhere.

With the closure of the Richardson Hall gym, I finally decided to join the Monash Gym. The staff there were helpful in pointing me in the right direction on how to use the equipment. The gym is well equipped. Below is my current routine.

20s stretches
Track: 1000m @ 10km/h
Weighted Squats (2x12)
Assisted Pull Ups (2x12)
Chest Press (2x12)
Leg Curls (2x12)
Seated Row (2x12)
Shoulder Press (2x12)
Dumbell Walking Lunge (2x8)
Abdominal Circuit: 30 pairs of cross-crunches. 45s x 2 side plank.
Track: 1000m @ 10km/h
30s stretches

Now that I have some idea of how to use gym equipment properly, I discovered that the maximum weight I could move is significantly more than what I use to train. For example, I could chest press about 50kg for six repetitions (my former routine). But to do that I would have to use momentum and rest intermittently by locking my arms forward. I can only push 30kg for 12 repetitions done right. Two seconds to push and two seconds to let the weights down - without any rest in between (no locking arms forward). Without the use of explosive force and momentum, pushing even 30kg for 12 repetitions took all I'd got as I was effectively applying 30kg of force non-stop for ~50 seconds. Many of the exercises, when done properly, turned out to be more difficult than I anticipated. I could do pull ups (hands far apart) unassisted about three times in a row. However, they are not proper pull ups. A proper pull up involves spending about two seconds ascending and two seconds descending (negating the effect of momentum). The best I can do 12 times in a row (without straightening my hands: 'dangling'/resting) is a 50% assisted pull up.

I think it is a well rounded routine my entire body will ache the next day. This is what my summer will be like for the most part. Gym on one day, rest on the next. Repeat all summer.

Lonely: I am glad that I am finally feeling lonely. Thank god. I was beginning to think that there was something wrong with me. Anyway, I am now starting to feel the urge/compulsion/desire/want to interact with others. It took a few weeks of social isolation but I think it was well worth it.

The Summer Plan

2008-11-18T10:33:00.006+08:00

A week has passed since the the exams. What the hell did I do? It seemed to pass in the blink of an eye. Well, I watched the sun rise... alot. The first friday night after the exams was spent playing cards and hanging out at robert's hall till 6am. The next three days were a Heroes marathon - all 43 episodes of heroes (45min each). Leslie and scott were generous enough to host a game of kings. Also finally got to put my poker set to use after a loong break from playing. Played Wii and 5 player (playstation multitap) soccer in the common room... till 6am again. My guitar arrived - it's much easier than I anticipated - my days playing the electone (no, im not as good as the girl in the video) was not in vain! Oh, and last but not least, I heard the Call of Duty (V) - if you live in the halls, do not buy this game, it is very finicky with firewalls and multiplayer does not work unlike most other games.

It's good to have time to roast coffee again.

The Summer Plan

Get a job.
Diet: maintain 2200 Cal + per day. Red meat three times a week. 50g+ protein per day.
Exercise: Once every two days
Skills: Learn to play the guitar!
Circadian Rhythm: Wake before 8am every day.
Career: Half an hour per day devoted to refreshing knowledge base.

The Big Red Chili

2008-10-29T14:08:00.008+08:00

The Biggest Red Chili Ever.
That's a 1.5L bottle of coke btw.

It's quite surprising how easily misconceptions can form. Here I would like to clarify what my previous post was about - it had drawn far more attention than I expected.

so wat if u dont have a car... wat did u use to do wen u didnt even have a driving license? get a lift with ur rents or borrow the car for an evening. here's a thought, get a friend to pick u up and pay gas money or something if its that far.. or call a cabby... there are ways around it...

It's not so simple. The bottom line is that back home, I will be stuck indoors on a _majority_ of days. The lifestyle doesnt only promote complacency but also makes me a slob. Sure, I can always rent/borrow a car for the evening.. but it is relatively costly and when push comes to shove, will only happen a few times a month at most - the rest of the month will be spent rotting at home.

Here in australia, my lifestyle is remarkably different. For some reason I have the motivation to get up in the morning and do things productive. Freedom and the need to care for myself is a strong driving force to do things productive - it is nonexistant when I'm pampered at home.

cause if its jst to analyse urself and ur ways then ur jst gonna put urself down... go out and have fun and jst wing it...

I honestly wish I could "have fun and just wing it". I did try that for a good part of the year - especially in the early months of Hall Society 2008. Somehow, I didnt derive much pleasure from interaction with other people. Believe me, I tried (very hard) to mix, mingle and click - ultimately, it was unsustainable.

Not deriving much joy from social interaction meant that I did not remember names/birthdays/events/"things about other people" that well - further inhibiting my ability to click. Notice how all sociable people pay attention and remember things about other people? Notice how the people you find nice and sociable tend to know/remember things about you?

It is my perception of others that needs to change. I just sense that a bit of isolation will do me good; to create an inner desire/want/impetus to click, connect and put mental effort towards other people (ie. becoming more extroverted). This, combined with a healthy lifestyle, healthy diet, healthy body, and healthy mind should hopefully lead to a healthy social life, come 2009.

Q: Why dont you change yourself instead of your environment?
A: Like... DUH. First and foremost I work on changing myself. It's simply easier to do in australia than at home.

C: Stop blaming the environment! It's not the environment, it's you!
RE: Here's a simple example: Is it easy to study in a pub? No. Is it easy to study in the library? Yes. Is it easy to become independant pampered in your parent's home? No. Is it easy to become independent living alone, fending for yourself? Yes.

C: Looks/Attractiveness isnt important.. (or whatever words you may use to carry the same meaning)
A: Read THIS. I have answered this question in depth before. Also, look at ANY psychology text book. It has been proven over and over that looks/attractiveness/beauty is very important in building interpersonal relationships. Bottom line, in simple english: Ugly people are ignored. Beautiful people get attention. Ugly people have to settle for scraps. Beautiful people get choice selections of partners. People who deny this and say looks dont matter usually are the ones who did not get their choice selection of partners and had to settle for less...and called it love after awhile. ALTERNATIVELY they may be people who were lucky enough to have a person of their standard show interest in them - in that case i'd say that they are just being arrogant cocks.

Q: Are you trying to score/lay/fvck/bang a girl?
A: No. Re-read my previous posts for my motivation for doing this.

Q: Why dont you just go out more?
A: Yes, that is what Im actively trying to do. But that is not my problem. My problem is a lack of interest in other people inhibiting my ability to "click" so to speak.

C: All you need is confidence...
A: Confidence simply isnt an issue for me. If you are confident, come comment with your real name. I dont have any problems talking with people (boys and girls, beautiful and ugly alike) and have participated in numerous public speaking competitions. I am not a loner and yes I do have numerous acquaintances. When I speak about "building relationships" and "clicking" I am referring to building close friendships and hopefully a building a relationship with a reasonably attractive woman as well.

p.p.p.p.p.s google chrome sucks! Firefox rules =)

Be A Man.

2008-10-02T20:38:00.008+08:00

One Year Ago*.

"Why arent you going back over summer?"

A question I get asked all the time.

To keep conversations short I usually say that I want to get a job and experience working in Australia. In reality, that is one very minor reason for staying over summer.

Staying Home Is Bad, Very Bad, For Me.

It is anticompetitive. There is no point staying at home hearing only what I want to hear. Mum tells me that someone will come along and not to worry. Dad just keeps on telling me about how he met mum despite to my knowledge not ever having any real opportunities with other women.

I know I will lead a very sedentry lifestyle back home. It is inevitable. The comforts and luxuries of home will just spoil me. I will have no motivation to do anything.

It has taken me almost two years living abroad to come to realize that:

1) In order stand a realistic chance with girls I find reasonably attractive, I absolutely must work on my 'animal magnetism'.
2) In order to build up a healthy social circle I must regain a genuine desire to click and connect.

'Animal magnetism' is quite a straightforward goal. I simply need to eat more of the right stuff (i dont believe in supplements), exercise (power/strength training, minimal cardio) consistently and keep stress levels to a minimum (to reduce my cortisol levels). I am already 12kg of lean mass heavier than I was a year ago (picture above). Still a bit thin, but much better.

Social wellbeing is a completely different animal. I know for a fact that I do not derive the same pleasure from social interaction as others. I am starting to wonder why. Why dont I have the motivation to talk and build relationships with other people? To sit down and click and take an interest in others - for the prequel to being sociable is empathy. Why do I lack this empathy? Have I been so spoilt by other earthly pleasures* that I have neglected this very important part of my general wellbeing? Have I spent too much time rotting at home before coming to Australia that I've lost the instinct to maintain my social wellbeing? Well, pointing fingers is useless now.. the bottom line is something has to change.

* the dopamine rush of first person shooters, good music, pron, movies etc.

Social deprevation I faced when I was anorexic a few months back made me realize that I need to put some serious mental effort into engaging other people more - but until I could find the inner motivation to do so, that will not happen. Having a good diet, enough sleep and exercise helps with this regard and makes me more outgoing and engaging. Hence, I will have to focus on these core issues if my plan to improve my social wellbeing were to succeed.

Staying at home I know I will have my parents and brother to interact with and I wont feel socially isolated. I am hoping that by staying in Australia over summer, I will experience social isolation that would create an inner desire, an inner craving, to be connected. If I could create a genuine desire to click and connect with other people, my social life would definitely improve. By click and connect I mean to have a greater sense of empathy towards others, for being sociable is not about being interesting - it is about being interested in other people.

To the small social circle I now have in the halls, if you are reading this, know that you guys do mean alot to me and are a cornerstone in my overall sense of wellbeing - I am really grateful to have you guys around.

In three words the simple reason why I want to stay over summer is that I want to:

"Be A Man."

*Image (c) Raine W. 2007

The Fake Humility of Ugly.

2008-10-01T18:31:00.024+08:00

Head in the sky.

Ugly. Alone. Outcast. Nobody wants to talk to you. People walking by say hi but never hello. You crave for attention. You want people to give you attention. But you were so socially isolated you never learnt that the prequel to clicking is empathy. You blast your awkward ideas into conversations hoping for a response that you never truly get. You wonder why you dont have a best friend. Everyone you know are just acquaintances, friends for a fleeting moment.

A boy notices that you are down and gives you a bit of attention. You welcome his attention. You enjoy his company. He grows fond of you, and despite a little social awkwardness, likes your humble quiet personality.

Time passes. Less ugly. You start to build up your social life. You revel in the attention you finally receive. A confused boy supports and encourages your efforts. Seasons change. Your self confidence picks up. You take the boy for granted. You expect attention but are unwilling to give anything in return.

The naive boy wakes up. He realizes he has become a cuddle b1tch. "But maybe she's just shy?", he thought. So he tries to reason with her to no avail.

The foolish boy lets you know why he wants to turn away. He makes it very clear to you that "IT IS WRONG TO LET A GUY SPEND TIME/EFFORT/MONEY/HEART ON YOU IF YOU ARE NOT INTERESTED IN HIM!!". She acts like nothing happened..ignoring moments of intimacy and says "We're just friends". He feels betrayed. He knows he wouldnt have spent as much time/effort/money/heart if he knew you weren't interested earlier on. He realizes that he has been played on. Could have he misinterpreted your behaviour? He thinks not. There are some things 'just friends' simply dont do with one another.

The month of forgiveness beckons. The stupid boy decides it's time to resume platonic relations. "People change after all" he thought to himself... He was wrong. While enjoying his hospitality, and in the presence of company, you have the audacity to gloat about how some older single guy is willing to spend thousands of dollars to fly to australia to see you. even though you have no interest in him as a lover and see him only as a friend. Arrogance. Have you learnt nothing?

b1tch.

Note: Comments for this post have been disabled - people were getting the wrong idea. This post serves to highlight what I would like to refer to as arrogance in the context of relationships. It is not gender specific as the post may imply. Consider the following:
1) Girls that abuse their beauty/attractiveness to get free dates / dinners /movies / trips with guys they are not really interested in. They give the guy false hopes and when push comes to shove, they will use the 'just friends' excuse - regardless of whatever intimate moments they may have shared.
2) Guys that abuse their position/power/dominance to get companionship/intimacy with women they are not really interested in. They give the girl false hopes and when a prettier girl comes along, they will tell the girl that they are not meant to be etc.

This post is about how some people are humble in the context of relationships when they are unattractive/ugly... but become arrogant when they perceive that they are receiving more attention from others.

I have no respect for these people. Boy or girl.

Melons, Goldfish and Foamely Esctasy.

2008-09-28T16:37:00.010+08:00

Hailstones In The Sun

WATCH THIS VIDEO

Very hot video. This is the kind of video that makes teenage boys sit crossing their legs while the girls go green in jealous envy.

NOW WATCH HER SING IT IN ENGLISH

~lost in translation - the lyrics are real. see video above if you dont believe it.~

It's got fruits, animals, "foamely escasy" and involves an "overstressed uncle". Weird, kinky, and a little animalphilic/frutiphilic in a disturbing kinda way. There is some incest thrown in as well. It takes an awesomely hot girl like Alizee to pull off such lyrics.

Bubbles and water, Legs up for hours,
My goldfish is under me, To bathe for hours
Makes my mouth water, Im foamely ecstatic.

I lazy round. Melon and water.
Is it a sin?
Bombs, you keep away from me!
Today lying low, twisting up my toes.

Im fed up with loneliness,
With my uncle overstressed
Fumbling, crawling for something
Im fed up with creeps crying.

Over the past, such a sin.
Not to be cool, but a fool
If I could mess up their rules.
Im fed up with your complaints
Baby, well Im not a saint!

...I want to be her goldfish.

This blog had its 15,000th visitor today!

The Real Game Of Love

2008-09-07T23:11:00.010+08:00

Darkness...

First, a few definitions:
Social Dominance: in control of one's life and has a certain level of connectedness with those in his social circle. In the modern world, social dominance is difficult to achieve without money, but possible on a tight budget none the less.
Pretty: sexually attractive / proportionate (whatever your definition of sexual attractiveness may be)
Ugly: not sexually attractive / disproportionate (note: it's not about being slim or chubby...)

1) Consider The Following Statements

Guys like girls who are pretty.
Girls like guys who are socially dominant.

Guys would not usually think of actively courting / spending resources on girls whom they are not at least a little bit sexually attracted (or physically aroused by) to.
Girls would not usually think of actively trying to get the attention of guys whom they perceive as being weak.

Guys try to court the pretty girls.
Pretty girls have a wide choice of guys.
Pretty girls will not usually settle for guys who are non-socially dominant.

Girls try to attract the socially dominant guys.
Socially dominant guys have a wide choice of girls.
Socially dominant guys will not usually settle for girls who are ugly.

Your "average" girl may just so happen to appeal to a really socially dominant guy.
Your "average" guy may just so happen to appeal to a really pretty girl.

2) Face The Truth

Being pretty improves a girl's chances of finding the right guy who is reasonably socially dominant, reasonably well built, and compatible.

Being socially dominant improves a guy's chances of finding the right girl who is reasonably charming/feminine, reasonably sexually attractive, and compatible.

3) Reality Bites

Think about the girl who realizes that she's in her 30s and has never dated. She was never sexually attractive enough to have a guy who was up to her expectations ask her out. To avoid feeling bad, she tells herself that she was distracted by the pursuit of knowledge and wealth/career. Her biological clock is ticking. She knows she's way past her prime... ~~Her ovaries are not going to wait for her. They are shriveling by the day...~~
Not all girls are pretty.
The average girl learns that the most eligable bachelors are out of her reach and looks elsewhere. She finds a guy who he thinks is right for her. She calls it love after awhile.

Now what about the guy who never attracted the attention of a girl whom he finds reasonably attractive? He has never really had any real experience with women. Now he finds himself shy to ask girls out because of bad experiences (with the pretty girls who had more eligable suitors). He's been working for 10 years and now has his own little humble place. He's feeling lonely and knows that his youth is nearing it's end. ~~He's never even gotten laid before (ok, that's a bit cruel to say)~~
Not all guys are socially dominant.
The average guy learns to lower his expectations/standard to a point where he is comfortable. He finds a girl who he thinks is right for him. He calls it love after awhile.

4) Caveats

a. Cultural compatibility plays a key role in finding a life partner. Social dominance or beauty will not guarantee the person you find attractive is right for you.
b. Different people have different standards for beauty/attractiveness/social dominance. Mika recently wrote a song about how chubby girls are attractive in their own way. DONT JUDGE PEOPLE too much.
c. Attractiveness may literally be "chemical". Scientists now believe that people with differing sets of genes for bacterial/viral immunity are more likely to like each other's natural scent (eg. the smell of your t shirt after you've worn it all night to sleep).

What im trying to say is that there are other factors that come in to play asides from the major ones in red and blue.

Personally...

...the person whom i very much would have liked to spend my life with was NOT the prettiest person i've ever dated. We were compatible, and in her I saw "home". I cant explain it, but I did find her reasonably attractive. Unfortunately, we were to go our separate ways...

I recently completed placement at a health center where I dealt with issues pertaining to indigenous healthcare. Much of it dealt with a "sense of place". It is not some special connection indigenous people have with the land - it is actually inherent in all people from all cultures. In retrospect, that may have been why I saw 'home' in her. More on that another day.

Thank you for reading. Comments and feedback are very much welcome =)

If you are a member of lowyat.net, please help me bump this thread: http://forum.lowyat.net/topic/727987. If you find this article useful, please help vote in the poll to pin the article as well: http://forum.lowyat.net/topic/752384

K.I.S.S. revisited.

2008-09-06T23:48:00.004+08:00

Building Blocks

1. I stumbled upon this blog one day. The style of expression was simple and concise.

2. A few weeks later, I decided that it was time to change the format of this blog. I have a tendency to rant and go on and on about things so this approach should hopefully change that.

3. Yes, im jealous that he gets an average of 500+ replies to each of his bullet point posts.

4. The KISS principle, revisited.

Peru Organic Grace Villa

2008-08-30T12:22:00.002+08:00

Freshly Roasted Coffee

My green beans finally arrived yesterday. I now have 2.5kg of Indian Tiger Mountain AA and Peru Organic Grace Villa Estate coffee beans. The first two roasts went flawlessly, thanks to advice from the folks at CoffeeSnobs.com.au. I used a popcorn machine to roast the coffee. Ideally, coffee should be roasted in about 15 minutes but popcorn machines are alot quicker and I had to stop the roast around 8 minutes.

It's hard to describe the smell of fresh coffee. It smells almost like fried chicken! A really pleasant subtle savoury smell - nothing sharp or rancid like the stuff you buy in the supermarket.

Did two batches of Peru Grace Villa yesterday night. The flavours are still maturing, and it's not ideal to drink them yet. Of course, i couldnt resist the temptation and tried some this morning. The coffee was unlike anything i had ever tasted. It had superb body, and an intense savouryness that exceeded my expectations. The pour was near perfect. It drizzled out like syrup from the portafilter to form an emulsion in the cup. Puck resistance was easy to achieve with the fresh beans - using supermarket (months old) coffee one walks the fine line between choking the machine and producing an emulsion of semi-stale oils. Great body and minimal bitterness/sourness makes the Peruvian bean very suitable for a macchiato or straight espresso, but it does not have enough acidity/dryness to cut through milk in a latte or cappuccino. My morning capp had lots of body and savoury mouthfeel but tasted relatively flat.

When "Healthy" Food Really Isn't.

2008-08-12T16:32:00.005+08:00

Homestyle

Ok, so you've learnt how to avoid so called "fatty" and "sugary" foods and try to eat as much healthy food as possible. Mc Donalds and KFC are excluded from your choice of restaurants. So you decide to join the hippies and eat the allegedly "healthy" sandwichies at Subway.

Subway promotes itself of having a very healthy menu. At first glance, their sandwiches do really seem promising. The roast beef sandwich has only 600 calories (a daily requirement is roughly 2000calories) and fills a person up quite well. It also has about 35g of protein, or half of an adult's daily protein requirement.

But what happens when you add dressing to the sandwich? Most people add cheese, a free option, as well.

I was working at a community health center and having a subway sandwich for lunch in the staff room. Ok, on campus it would have probably been considered a healthy meal, but amongst allied health workers, it wasnt. Around me people were people who brought along their home cooked meals. Lean fillets with steamed vegetables, Moroccan couscous, bread cheese vegimite and avocadoes, sandwiches and fruit.

I've always felt very lethargic after eating the allegedly "healthy" subway foot long sandwiches, but having lunch amongst people who included dietitians prompted me to scrutinize the "healthy" nutrional breakdown on my subway tissue.

Dont be fooled: SUBWAY IS NOT NEARLY AS HEALTHY AS THEY PROMOTE THEMSELVES TO BE

The roast beef sandwich has 900mg salt for 290 calories! On top of that, they will sprinkle salt and pepper on all sandwiches unless you specifically ask them not to. Then when everything is ready, they will ask you if you want any kind of dressing. Almost everyone will choose to top their sandwich with dressings. All of their dressings contain high amounts of salt as well.

The recommended daily intake for salt is between 1000 and 2000 mg. A person eating 2200 calories worth of subway sandwiches would be consuming at least 7000mg of salt - assuming that he chose not to add cheese (high in salt), or dressings, or shaken salt. I wouldnt be surprised if the figure approached 8,000 mg of salt in a real world scenario.

A Big Mac actually ends up being healthier than a subway sandwich! 2200 calories of Big Macs would only contain 1150mg of salt! Sure, it does contain more fats, but what few people realize is that it only contains about 10g of saturated fat. Hence, 2200 calories in the form of Big Macs would provide only two times the recommended daily intake of saturated fat.

Summary:

2200 calories worth of Big Mac:

1150mg salt (RDI 1000-2000) OK.
40g saturated fat (RDI <20g)>

2200 calories worth of Subway Roast Beef sandwich:

8000mg salt (RDI 1000-2000) EIGHT TIMES the recommended daily intake.
15.2g saturated fat (RDI <20g)>

Real Coffee

2008-07-03T13:42:00.007+08:00

Espresso

Nearly a century ago, the Italians discovered a way to extract the most flavour from coffee beans using a balance of temperature and pressure. Fresh ground coffee that is packed tightly into a puck. A small amount of hot water is then forced through the puck to create the emulsion of flavourful oils known as espresso. Coffee beans are 17% oil by weight. This is the reason why instant coffee will always taste bland compared to any kind of coffee made from freshly grounded coffee (drip, percolated, moka, espresso).

Tamping the grounds into a puck

By varying the pressure and grind, the amount of espresso extracted from each puck can be altered. A slow pour creates a darker, more bitter cup. A quick pour has sharper, more acidic notes. Most cafes extract about 45 ml of espresso in about 25 seconds. I prefer to extract 20ml of espresso in about 20s. This is known as a ristretto (restricted) shot. The lower volume produces a richer and darker emulsion while the shorter extraction time reduces the acidity and bitterness (caffeine content) of the espresso.

The Ritual

It took me a good three months to be able to make acceptable espresso. A measured dose (10g) of beans is carefully weighed and grinded into a porcelain bowl. The porcelain bowl allows me to judge humidity. Humidity is my biggest problem in achieving consistent ristretto shots. Ground coffee is like sand. Dry sand is very porous and water just pours through it quickly - resulting in acidic, sour coffee. Coffee grounds in humid atmosphere is compact and has a lot of resistance. I've choked my machine a number of times. 135 pounds of pressure generated by the machine could barely force out 5ml in 30s when the puck is too dense. Hence, by noticing how the grounds stick to the sides of the bowl, i can vary my tamping force appropriately to reduce the density of the puck. I also had to get a bathroom scale to tamp on to ensure that my tamp was consistent. Making espresso is really an art. Below are some of the more important variables involved in making espresso:

Consistent dose - the amount of coffee in the basket must be the same each time.
Consistent grind - the coarseness of the coffee must be just right.
Freshness - Roasted coffee beans are like bananas. They go bad in about a week. Vacuum packed coffee beans in the supermarket are like canned fruit. They are nothing like real freshly roasted coffee. Freshly ground coffee goes bad within an hour as the flavourful oils oxidize and go sour. Hence, a quality burr grinder is absolutely critical for making espresso.
Consistent tamping - the pressure applied must be consistent and level. Improper tamping causes channels to form during extraction. Water doesnt flow through the puck equally in all areas resulting in a poor quality, acidic, and less flavourful shot.

Cafe Ristretto

How rich can you make a cup of coffee? Above is a restricted shot (cafe ristretto) made in a 200ml cappuccino cup. 10g of coffee was tamped with about 20kg of force into a dense puck. About 20ml of water, heated to 92 deg C, was forced through the puck in 25 seconds, producing a flavourful emulsion.

Cappuccino

About 150ml of steamed full cream milk was added to the espresso to make a cappuccino. The flavourful oils in the brown coloured crema mixes with the rich full cream milk foam to form the cap from which the drink derives its name. The half inch thick cap of foamed milk helps keep in heat on a cold morning. A latte would also have a similar amount of milk, but the milk would be less foamed, far more dense and more velvety.

espresso + steamed/foamed full cream milk = a proper cappuccino

A proper latte is served in cups no larger than 180ml instead as it does not need so much space to accommodate the foam. I ordered a cafe latte at McDonald's the other day and got a shock when the 400ml(?) cup arrived! The sins of commercial coffee...Hmm, i think i have an idea for my next post on coffee.

Living In The Orange Box

2008-06-26T23:56:00.003+08:00

Bubbly

One week into the holidays. Im still stuck in an orange box. I know I should go out and get some sun, but the desire to stay in the orange box is too great.

The holidays have been a blast so far. Got to catch up on the movies I missed in the past 3 months. Just watched two hours of pron this afternoon. Iron man is pretty much two straight hours of gadget pr0n. Damn I wished I could fly.

Finally got the Malaysian gang hooked on poker. Hashrul is now contemplating a chip set. In return they introduced me to LASER TAG. As a life long FPS (first person shooter) gamer, the experience was exhilarating. Im now contemplating a set of taggers.

The orange box is a collection of five games. Cost me AUD90, but it's worth every cent. Of the five games, Team Fortress 2 is the most interesting. It is a multiplayer online game where two teams battle to complete objectives. Fabulously designed game dynamics. There are different classes such as pyros, snipers and engineers. Love playing the spy. It's the most difficult class to play, but once behind enemy lines and disguised as one of them (yup, the enemy actually sees me as one of them), stalking my prey and backstabbing them is really fun. The game also features very advanced statistics as it is solely an online multiplayer game. So far played about 20 hours as a spy with a record of 18 straight kills in one life >:-}

Zeitgeibers

2008-06-13T18:12:00.004+08:00

I've been caffeine free for almost a week now. The exams are in 4 days. Making espresso is just too time consuming and i dont want to be reliant on it for the exam. One way I found helpful to reset my circadian rhythm (sleep cycle) was by using zeitgeibers - environmental cues that our bodies use to set our natural clock.

Zeitgeibers:

Leave the curtains open at night. Let morning light wake you up.
Darken your room 5 hours before bedtime.
Listen to loud, lively music in the morning.
Listen to soft, slow music at night.
Exercise in the morning to get your metabolism up.
Let your metabolism wind down towards the end of the day. Do not exercise at night.

Got Milk?

2008-06-01T15:30:00.002+08:00

"It's real Velour, let yourself go.."
- Zapp Brannigan

Smooth, luscious, rich and creamy. Textured milk made from lots and lots of microscopic bubbles. It flows like light yoghurt and tastes "sweet" as it rolls off the tongue. Made from full cream milk, it is extremely rich and satisfying.

It took me a whole month to learn how to perfect the technique. Here are some pointers i'd like to share.

Ezra's Guide To Steaming Milk:

Never use "frothing" devices. They make tasteless, stiff foam that looks like detergent out of the dishwasher.
Always use full cream milk. Lowfat milk is easier to foam but the quality of the foam is very low.
Angle your frothing pitcher so that there is a whirlpool of milk.
Bring the tip of the wand to the surface slowly until you hear a tearing/sucking sound. Pull in enough air to double the volume of the milk before the thermometer reads 35 degrees.
Spin the milk as throughly as you can to break down any visible bubbles.
Stop steaming when the thermometer hits 60 degrees.
Knock the pitcher on the table to get rid of any big bubbles that may have formed.
Fold the milk by spinning it around in the pitcher.
Leave to stand for 30 seconds before pouring.

This Boy

2008-05-24T07:56:00.006+08:00

... there is someone else in the picture.
on my mind.
i'm sorry,..

This boy wants to play,
There's no time left today,
It's a shame 'cause he has to go home.

This boy's got to work
Got to sweat just to pay what he gets to get left all alone.

I'm still here,
But it hasn't been easy,
I'm sure that you had your reasons,
I'm scared for this emotion,
For years I've been holding it down,

And I,
Love to forgive and forget,
So I,
Try to put all this behind us,
Just,
Know that my arms are wide open,
The older I get, the more that I know.

Well it's time to let this go.
I got to let it go
I got to let it go...

~ This Boy, by James Morrison

Of Death, Dance and Burgers.

2008-05-11T16:23:00.006+08:00

Hazelwood Power Station, Churchill.

Rural placement, second time around. Just after what was - both physically and emotionally - a very tiring weekend. The long drive to churchill was tiring and I did feel sleepy, but Zep and Charmaine were in the car with me so it wasnt too dangerous.

Spent a day at the GP clinic which was awesome. Like 50 PCL cases squished into a day with a GP as my dedicated tutor. Also spent a day at Latrobe Regional Hospital and had a taste of the life as a medical officer. Dr Sanjiv and Dr James guided me through the patients in the Critical Care Unit where I was stationed. It was quite an eye opening experience. People get into that unit for a variety of reasons. There was one guy with multiple organ failure. It was interesting to see the way Dr Sanjiv, the supervising CCU consultant told his (adult) children that life support was about to be ended. He was in a semi lucid state and there wasnt any obvious sign of distress. He was quite bloated from renal failure (aneuria). I felt pitting oedema for the first time. He was given morphine for pain relief and adrenaline to hold his blood pressure up. That afternoon, they started decreasing the infusion of adrenaline. He has likely passed away by now.

Doctors deal with death more often than other professions, and are constantly reminded of their mortality. Perhaps that is one of the factors that shape doctors mindset and personality. The so called "perfect" human being simply isn't. Pretty much everything that can go wrong will go wrong. We try to make the most of the cards we are dealt, but no matter how hard we try, life's still a game of russian roulette. Those with the genetic predisposition to cancer and heart disease simply have more bullets in the revolver.

I spent a day at the old folks resort as well. Hazelwood House was like a 4 star hotel. Spoke to a 87 year old veteran of the Normandy invasion. He made it a point that we should all travel as much as we can while we are young. He was bright and cheerful, but for a moment, his mood changed as he spoke about the most depressing aspect of living in an old folks home: Seeing those around you slowly deteriorate, lose their dignity and independence, then die.

Ok, rural placement wasnt all grim. Went for a retro party at the Gippsland campus where we were staying. I was on the dancefloor when i felt someone rub against me. Turned around and used my tie to reel her in. (!!!) Suddenly i realized that her bf was just beside her. Steph who was next to me couldnt stop laughing. Overall, rural week was all good. It felt more like a holiday than an actual placement. Expanded my culinary knowledge abit. Making belacan fried rice and tandoori chicken for 12 people was quite an experience.

Got back on friday night. Driving 200km that day was quite tiring. The guys wanted to go to Nandos that had just opened nearby, but it was too crowded so we ended up going to a diner on Scott's reccomendation. We all had an AUD15 burger (picture). But i say it was worth every penny. It had at least AUD5 worth of meat in it, and 6 slices of beetroot (yes i counted), along with bbq sauce and mustard. Balanced flavour despite having so, so, so much meat. None of the sauces were overpowering like the cheap tomato "sauce" they put in the McD burgers. The patty just melts in your mouth. It is served with curly fries done right, along with a salad to balance the flavours. Hmm, i feel like making my own gourmet burgers now. Man food. Hell yeah.

A Fleeting Moment

2008-05-03T22:25:00.012+08:00

Sunset, St Kilda Pier

Late Sunday night, the clock was ticking ever so quickly. The day had come to an end before we finally found a place where we could be alone. A metal bench offered little comfort from the cold. But we had each other...

(The sound of silence was broken)

I want to stop looking.

... I dont want to hold you back.

(somberly, she looked down and shook her head slowly...)

I wish I could foresee the future but I could not.

...

you look like you are going to cry.

Couldnt we at least work towards being together?

I want to plan but i cant foresee the future... so why plan?

Promise me you'll let me know if you've found someone else...

(Nodding subtly) I promise I'll let you know too.

Come down and visit us some time...

I will..

A fleeting moment in my life.

Happy and at peace, sans lust! The awareness that the moment was so fleeting brought me sadness and insecurity - the reflection of which permeated through my elation. I wasnt about to cry. I was just so happy and sad at the same time I didnt know what to think or say.

90km later.

2008-04-13T20:41:00.007+08:00

as the trip ended

It was a lazy Sunday afternoon. The last stand up comedy act at the Fox Hotel was supposed to start at 5pm. They didnt accept bookings so we turned up early at 4.30. The place was quiet. Apparently, the last show ended the friday before!

So we went sightseeing instead. It's autumn and it's slightly chilly. Talking against the wind, I answered an unexpected question...

~
Why do you think people want to be attached?

Well girls want the sense of security of knowing they are with someone... or ya know.. just to show off to the other girls. The guys just want to get laid.

(giggle) ya know, that's kinda true.

(we crossed the road)

You know, as you start to be on your own, independent from your family, you lose that sense of closeness you once had as a kid. You want that sense of intimacy...
~

I was surprised at my own reply. In that two minutes waiting at the traffic light to cross the road, i had reflected on something I've never given much thought about. Looking back, i realize that as a person matures, it becomes awkward to have a certain type of emotional intimacy with members of your family.

It feels great to be independent - but it comes at a price. It does get lonely sometimes. Friends distract you from the loneliness spawned by the void of emotional intimacy - but at the end of the day the void is still there...

John Mayer: Something's Missing

I'm not alone, I wish I was
Cause then I'd know I was down because
I couldn't find a friend around
To love me like they do right now
They do right now

I'm dizzy from the shopping mall
I searched for the joy but i bought it all
It doesn't help the hunger pain
And a thirst I'd have to drown first to ever satiate

When autumn comes
It doesn't ask
It just walks in where it left you last
You never know when it starts
Until there is fog inside the glass around
Your summer heart

I cant be sure that this state of mind
Is not of my own design
I wish there was an over the counter test
for loneliness like this

Friends (Check)
Money (Check)
A well slept opposite sex (Check)
Guitar (Check) Microphone (Check)
Messages waiting on me when I come home...

Something's missing
And I dont know what it is
Something's missing,
And i dont know how to fix it
No I dont know what it is
Somethings different
And I dont know what it is
No I dont know what it is.

A Bit About Booze

2008-04-05T12:50:00.009+08:00

smirnoff tarik!

...And we grant you nourishment from the fruit of date-palms and vines: from it you derive intoxicants as well as wholesome sustenance -in this there is a message indeed for people who use their reason. (Q.16:67)

It started with wine...
The wine industry rejoiced when studies showed that drinking wine was good for the heart. It single handedly increased wine consumption globally, and all of a sudden everyone was doing studies on the benefits of alcohol.

A few years of marketing bliss later...
Follow up studies showed that substances previously though to be beneficial in wine werent really beneficial at all, or were present in levels too low to have any effect on cardiovascular function. This was a bad thing for the wine industry, but few people ever learnt about it because the wine industry spends alot of money in advertisements. Later it was discovered that the active ingredient in wine was alcohol itself.

The epidemiological grapevine...
Alcohol is a very tricky stubstance to research. No ethics committee would approve a randomized controlled trial where half of the participants are given a fixed dose of alcohol while another half were given a placebo. Even if they did, how would you design a placebo for alcohol? Hence, most studies are based on evidence from the field epidemiology (statistics). Statistically at least, people who dont drink at all die earlier than people who drink moderately. People who drink alot die much earlier than people who dont drink at all.

The problem with the statistics...
Early studies grouped lifelong abstainers with people who have quit drinking for up to six months. That was a problem because people who quit drinking usually did so because they had some kind of disease (caused by too much alcohol, such as cirrhosis) and were more likely to die young anyway. This statistical problem, along with a few others, were corrected and adjusted for in further studies. The results are clear now.

So what does research really say about alcohol?
Alcohol literally kills your heart in large doses and you can drop dead from sudden death brought on by death of heart muscle. In small doses, alcohol appears to be good for the heart after all. However, research has only proven this to be true in men over 45 years of age. Early research also shows that people who drink one standard drink a day are 30% less likely to get type 2 diabetes (1). It also increases the proportion of "good" HDL cholesterol and reduces the amount of clot inducing "bad" LDL cholesterol in the bloodstream.

A bit about culture..
Here in australia, it is culturally acceptable, and even "cool" amongst youth to get drunk. An hour's of work at the supermarket pay about AUD16. Four litres of cheap low proof wine (30 std drinks) costs only AUD8. Ok, that's really vile stuff, but for AUD16 you could get five bottles of premium beer, each containing 1.3 standard drinks. The human body only eliminates about one standard drink an hour. Five standard drinks is enough to make a person drunk. Since one standard drink is not very much, it is really easy to drink too much. It is much less than what people typically consume in one sitting. A can of mid strength beer is about 1.3 standard drinks. 30ml of 38% spirit is considered one standard drink. How many people take only one beer at the pub?

My pseudo-opinion: Positive effect of low risk drinking ( less than 1.5 std drinks a day)
It is quite clear that people who drink moderately do derive health benefits from alcohol. The human body is incredibly complex and researchers are still unsure how alcohol does the things it does. Cardiovascular disease is essentially an inflammatory disease whereby the linings of the cardiac vessels dont function properly. Stress naturally causes the production of hormones that function to help a person get through a period of stress. Blood clotting factors are primed for use and the body is put into a state of tension. In the good ol caveman days, that was a good thing. Your body has to be ready to run away from the sabertooth tiger, and you had to stay awake at night if you sensed a predator in the bushes. In modern times, the same stress responses that once provided the human body with an edge in survival are now activated frequently by things such as work deadlines and lack of sleep. Alcohol helps dull that stress response and makes people more relaxed. That alone could be one of the reasons behind the health benefits of alcohol. A nip of whiskey before bed calms a persons nerves and makes him/her less anxious/stressed. It is not surprising that some cultures, such as the french, have successfully integrated alcohol into their lifestyles. Moderate consumption at the dinner table is a good thing.

The BIG picture.
Alcohol is bad for society. Period. The Australian Medical Association plainly states that alcohol leads to "an unacceptably high level of sickness and social disruption". It is estimated that in Australia, roughly 80,000 life years were lost as a result of drinking in 2001. This was contrasted to the estimated 61,000 life years gained as a result of moderate low risk drinking. The bottom line is that alcohol consumption costs taxpayers about AUD500k (RM1.5mil) a day in healthcare, emergency services and motor accidents.

They will ask you about intoxicants and games of chance. Say: "In both there is great evil* as well as some benefit for man; but the evil which they cause is greater than the benefit which they bring." (Q.2:219)

(1) Koppes LL, Dekker JM, Hendriks HF, Bouter LM, Heine RJ: Moderate alcohol consumption lowers the risk of type 2 diabetes: a meta-analysis of prospective observational studies. Diabetes Care 28:719–725, 2005. -and- Howard AA, Arnsten JH, Gourevitch MN: Effect of alcohol consumption on diabetes mellitus: a systematic review. Ann Intern Med 140:211–219, 2004.

Outpinged Lives Again!

2008-03-23T14:21:00.008+08:00

Sleek...

I finally got down to building my own computer. Last year, my workstation was very cluttered (click) and unergonomic. This new desktop let's me save space and have a much more ergonomic workstation (click). Last year, I had used my notebook connected to a display as my workstation. Little would i know that it would affect my posture quite badly (i actually had the initial signs of scoliosis but that's another story). It affected my ability to play sports and even walking became annoying.

The Tale of Outpinged

Once upon a time, there was a warrior, a trained sniper who totally owned at the legendary battlefields of 2fort5 in Teamfortress for Quake II. He was a veteren of combat who had experienced many other battles in Duke Nukem, Quake and Doom. Yet, he was unable to fulfill his maximum potential. He was limited by speed. Using an ancient 28.8kbps modem, he struggled during intense moments on the battlefield, trying to pre-empt where his enemies would be a split second later. The delays (pings) were sometimes outrageous, lasting about half a second. Some people are outrun on the battlefield. Some people are outsmarted. He was, "Outpinged*".

He had his fair share of leadership commanding armies in Warcraft (I,II,III), C&C and Starcraft, but the battlefield was where his heart was. He clocked more than 300 hours on counter-strike on dated equipment.

As time slowly crept upon Outpinged. He found himself increasingly disadvantaged by the limitations of his gear. That limitation has now been removed.

The last gaming rig:

0.6Ghz Pentium III. 10 million transistors
Riva TNT2, 12 million transistors, 16mb RAM
64MB RAM
Rolled iron and Plastic case
350W power supply.
17" CRT monitor
RM5500

Gaming rig, 2008:

1.8Ghz Pentium Dual Core. 230 million transistors
Geforce 8800GT, 666 million transistors, 512mb RAM
2048MB RAM
Brushed aluminium case.
650W Coolermaster Real Power (19A x 3 @ 12V)
22" Widescreen LCD Panel.
RM4600

*Ping is the delay it takes for a computer to communicate with the server.

The Grind

2008-03-10T16:23:00.006+08:00

Stand after going low to pass a hurdle...

Classes start at 8am and end at 5pm on Mondays - with only an hour of break in between. To add icing to the cake, the faculty decided that monday was the day we also receive our weekly presentation topics and patient cases. The tuesday breaks are about to be no more in a few weeks...

Im starting to feel alot of pressure. Last year, a record 100+ students out of a cohort of 300 students were forced to sit supplementary exams. 9 students actually had to remain in first year! Unbelievable. This year there are even more exams and hurdles to cross.

...yet i dont feel stressed! It's an awesome feeling; the pressure is nothing. I can take it! I dont feel like im last in anatomy class. I've refined my method of distilling knowledge. I can take it! I can take it now! I suffocated last year. This year, i can finally breathe...

Moving fast,
hurdles pass,
never last,
sadness past.

Steer

2008-03-01T11:06:00.014+08:00

I arrived on the 11th of February. Little would i know that the following few weeks would herald a new stage in my personal development.

The Prequel of Empathy

It was a cold rainy night on the 13th of february. The halls were deserted. I went to the guys house on Panorama street to pick my stuff up. They were still in Malaysia so the house was empty. It was dark, raining and windy. I felt a chill as i opened the rusty door. It took me about 2 hours to move all my stuff back to the halls. The cold, gloomy drizzle was depressing.

Isolation makes one sensitive to the presence of others.

O-Week, 2008

Orientation week proved to be very meaningful to me. I put a conscious effort to interact more with other people - yet a simple truth of human nature still eluded me.

Then, as part of the orientation, I was obliged to watch a presentation done by the university to promote healthy lifestyle choices. The comedian cum motivator was pretty good, but at one point, he said something that echoes in my head till this very day.

"To be sociable means not to be interesting,
it means to be interested..."

Staying in the halls has provided me with an excellent opportunity to expand my interpersonal skills in a neutral, multicultural environment. As preconceptions and prejudices were destroyed by the voice of reasoning, I finally removed the last few buckles of the mental straitjacket that had once threatened to destroy me.

A 180 degree turn in my interpersonal relations soon followed. I quickly noticed that interest in others is always reciprocated (ok, there are exceptions, but reciprocality is the norm). That set the tone for my interactions with others during the course of o-week. Interacting with lots of new faces, i put the basic principle to work. It works!

Physical Reverberations..

I now feel compelled to divert resources from typically self-centered luxuries to those that involve other people.

Ethreal Reverberations...

To see another person, and not only recognize his/her name. To seen individuals. Where they are from, their background, their likes and dislikes. The mental effort to remember comes naturally with genuine interest to know more about other people. This is something I have yet to gain - so yes, i do have to put some mental effort when interacting with people. I hope that one day this would come more naturally to me.

Feel it falling off like clothing
Taste it rolling on your tongue
See the lights above you glowing
Oh and breathe them deep into your lungs

It was always simple, not hidden hard
You've been pulling at the strings playing puppeteer for kings
And you've had enough

But the search ends here
Where the night is totally clear
And your heart is fierce
So now you finally know that you control where you go
You can steer

So hold this feeling like a newborn
Of freedom surging through your veins
You have opened up a new door
So bring on the wind, fire and rain

It was always simple, not hidden hard
You've been played at a game called remembering your name
And you stuffed it up

'Cos you've been listening for answers
But the city screams and all your dreams go unheard
You get out of the box and step into the clear
'Cos now you finally know you can steer

~ Missy Higgins, Steer. ~