Be A Man.

One Year Ago*.


"Why arent you going back over summer?"
A question I get asked all the time.

To keep conversations short I usually say that I want to get a job and experience working in Australia. In reality, that is one very minor reason for staying over summer.

Staying Home Is Bad, Very Bad, For Me.

It is anticompetitive. There is no point staying at home hearing only what I want to hear. Mum tells me that someone will come along and not to worry. Dad just keeps on telling me about how he met mum despite to my knowledge not ever having any real opportunities with other women.

I know I will lead a very sedentry lifestyle back home. It is inevitable. The comforts and luxuries of home will just spoil me. I will have no motivation to do anything.

It has taken me almost two years living abroad to come to realize that:

1) In order stand a realistic chance with girls I find reasonably attractive, I absolutely must work on my 'animal magnetism'.
2) In order to build up a healthy social circle I must regain a genuine desire to click and connect.

'Animal magnetism' is quite a straightforward goal. I simply need to eat more of the right stuff (i dont believe in supplements), exercise (power/strength training, minimal cardio) consistently and keep stress levels to a minimum (to reduce my cortisol levels). I am already 12kg of lean mass heavier than I was a year ago (picture above). Still a bit thin, but much better.

Social wellbeing is a completely different animal. I know for a fact that I do not derive the same pleasure from social interaction as others. I am starting to wonder why. Why dont I have the motivation to talk and build relationships with other people? To sit down and click and take an interest in others - for the prequel to being sociable is empathy. Why do I lack this empathy? Have I been so spoilt by other earthly pleasures* that I have neglected this very important part of my general wellbeing? Have I spent too much time rotting at home before coming to Australia that I've lost the instinct to maintain my social wellbeing? Well, pointing fingers is useless now.. the bottom line is something has to change.

* the dopamine rush of first person shooters, good music, pron, movies etc.

Social deprevation I faced when I was anorexic a few months back made me realize that I need to put some serious mental effort into engaging other people more - but until I could find the inner motivation to do so, that will not happen. Having a good diet, enough sleep and exercise helps with this regard and makes me more outgoing and engaging. Hence, I will have to focus on these core issues if my plan to improve my social wellbeing were to succeed.

Staying at home I know I will have my parents and brother to interact with and I wont feel socially isolated. I am hoping that by staying in Australia over summer, I will experience social isolation that would create an inner desire, an inner craving, to be connected. If I could create a genuine desire to click and connect with other people, my social life would definitely improve. By click and connect I mean to have a greater sense of empathy towards others, for being sociable is not about being interesting - it is about being interested in other people.

To the small social circle I now have in the halls, if you are reading this, know that you guys do mean alot to me and are a cornerstone in my overall sense of wellbeing - I am really grateful to have you guys around.

In three words the simple reason why I want to stay over summer is that I want to:

"Be A Man."



*Image (c) Raine W. 2007

32 Comments:

Titus Tang said...

Life is just like a negotiation. You get the upper hand when you don't have a need.

And people can see that, or the lack of that in you.

What do you need? But more importantly, why do you need it?

ezralimm said...

I digress. I believe you have to strive to a point where what you want is in abundance (attention/money/girls/etc etc) so that you no longer have a 'need'.

What do I need? Well, according to my lecturer on Human Lifespan And Development, a young adult strives towards two general goals:
1) Building a relationship.
2) Career.

ezralimm said...

Wait a sec.. kinda misunderstood ya there. Ok. Yup, i get what you're trying to say and agree with you completely.

An attractive socially dominant guy has so many admirers that he can 'negotiate' in the game of love quite successfully as he does not have a 'need'.

Hence guys should work towards being attractive and socially dominant --> which at the bottom line is what im trying to do.

An unattractive guy can pretend that he does not have a 'need' and fake confidence... but at the end of the day when push comes to shove, it will fall apart. Some things cannot be hidden behind charades.

In other words, you can try to be 'cool' with regards to relationships all you want. You may succeed in not being perceived as being desperate, but at the end of the day, it will not raise the standard of girls who would be willing to go out with you.

I am assuming that in your comment:
'need' = desperation


Note that:
1) striving to become more attractive

_is NOT the same as_

2) desperately looking for a girlfriend.

I am doing the former (#1) NOT the latter. Personally I dont think I am ready for a relationship yet.

Titus Tang said...

You get my point. But you're missing out something.

Why do you need it?

Need is not desperation. Need is something you "think" you lack, and therefore work to get it.


What is the purpose of being "attractive and socially dominant"?
While you do get more girls who express initial interest in you, having the advantage in this area does not help MAINTAIN a relationship. And what is the point of that, unless you're out looking for sexual flings.


Why do you need it?

You don't. Because it is in everyone.

What you need, is to let people see that side of you. And you can start by seeing it in yourself.


=)

ezralimm said...

Oh, that's what you were implying.

Titus, try consuming only 1300-1600 Calories a day. Not starving yourself... but on the long run it will lead to clinical malnutrition.

Trust me, having a BMI of 16.3 is no fun. You will literally feel like shit and lack any real desire to be outgoing and engaging.

Why do you bother going to university? To get a good, DESIRABLE job and secure future.

Why do guys bother going to the gym and being socially dominant? To get a good, DESIRABLE female partner.

Nature is such that men will seek out healthy ladies (read: tall, curvy and symmetrical). The healthy, attractive ladies will have lots of choices and wouldnt usually settle for a guy who is too deficient in either looks or social dominance.

You could tell yourself that love is blind if it makes you happy... but the bottom line is that you have to be a reasonably attractive guy if you want a reasonably attractive girl. There is no way in hell I stood a chance with a reasonably attractive girl when my BMI was 16.3.

As i've made very clear in my post - I am doing this in order stand a realistic chance with girls I find reasonably attractive

Aaron said...

although 'reasonable' is, as much as 'attractive' is, relative.

ezralimm said...

touche'

Anonymous said...

I'm a guy who hits the gym on a regular basis with my friends. I think it borders on stereotyping when you say guys who hit the gym do so to get a good, desirable female partner.

In all honesty, to stand a chance with girls you find attractive - you've just got to be decent. Look right and think right.

1) Look right - eat healthy and engage in regular exercise. Seems like you're on the right track.

2) Think right - there are many aspects you have to develop to "be a man" in your own words. One's the ability to step out of your comfort zone. To say staying at home is takes away your motivation to do stuff is probably a reflection of your weakness and inability to stand on your two feet. Don't blame your context.

I wish you all the best.

ezralimm said...

dude, of course there are other reasons why guys go to the gym. Some gym junkies do it for the seratonin rush. The bottom line is that exercise makes people feel good - though I'd contend that many do so primarily to be more attractive.

Regarding your second point, I simply must digress. Look, if I were at home, I basically would lose my freedom. No car. I live in a relatively secluded area - No nearby public transport. Friends would be scattered around. My daily routine would somehow become very very lazy. Imagine if all your meals and chores are done for you. It simply promotes malaise. It is easy to try and tell yourself that, even when pampered, you would eat right and not watch too much tele and get enough exercise, but the reality is simply not like that. Try staying with your parents for a month. Full pampering. No chores. NO CAR. You dont cook your food. You dont do the groceries. You lose your freedom. You lose the drive to take control of your life. you stay at home almost every day. You watch lots of TV. You will become a slob.

Anonymous said...

Sorry Ezra. I must agree with the 1st anonymous guy.

Your life is yours for the taking. I stay with my parents but I still offer to help out with chores and I run errands for my parents. Sometimes they tell me to chill in a corner but I think it's possible to find ways to help out if you really wanted to.

Without trying to offend, sounds to me you became a slob cause you couldn't make an effort to be active.

Oh wells, I'm not sure how old you are or what your culture is like back home but it sounds like you lead a mighty laid back life!

Just opinions from a 16 year old kid.

Anonymous said...

Hello there

I quote: "Nature is such that men will seek out healthy ladies (read: tall, curvy and symmetrical)."

Is procreation your sole purpose in seeking a partner?
I don't see why else you would be categorising women like that.

and if yes, then why aren't you going home over summer? you don't need to wait till you have some sort of epiphany to find a tall curvy woman to bear your child for a fee.

Soryan Gomez said...

Ehhhhh. I think you used the term malaise incorrectly.

Malaise refers to a sensation of physical discomfort often associated with illnesses. I'm quite sure you know that - you sound like a medical student.

Lethargy's probably the word you were looking for.

Sorry I'm just being pedantic. I got to your blog while looking up some stuff for my presentation at class on Monday. o.0

ezralimm said...

R: Sorry Ezra. I must agree with the 1st anonymous guy.
________________________________
A: Are you the same person? Repeated postings from the same IP that claim to be from different people will be deleted. Reason: Spam.


Q: Malaise refers to a sensation of physical discomfort often associated with illnesses. I'm quite sure you know that - you sound like a medical student.
___________________________________
A: Yes, I did mean "malaise". Malaise as is used in the English language - not the clinical symptom.

To other readers: Think about what the word "shock" means to you. Clinically shock refers to circulatory failure... but the colloquial definition is completely different. Please search up the word "malaise" in a normal dictionary. The first few search results in google are from medical dictionaries.

NOTE to Anonymous: Further comments from your IP will be deleted without notice if I feel that ad hominem arguments and/or antagonistic language is/are used.



Q: Is procreation your sole purpose in seeking a partner?
I don't see why else you would be categorising women like that.
____________________________________
A: No, dont be presumptuous. I also desire intimacy and emotional closeness.
I DO NOT VIEW WOMEN AS SEX OBJECTS. They are human beings and I hope to find someone I can click with _and_ be reasonably attracted to.

Will elaborate on this issue when i have the time (it is currently being drafted). I had coincidently done a report recently that involved Erikson's sixth stage (youth) of psychosocial development: Intimacy vs Isolation

Anonymous said...

Dude.

I'm the first anonymous guy. The other three AREN'T me.

People using the same internet provider within the same area CAN have the same IP cause of dynamic IP.

I was just making a point and I was trying to make a mockery out of you or anything.

Please.

ezralimm said...

No need to get defensive.

For now it is probable that you are the firefox 2.0 iinet guy.

Yeah, people can delete cookies and reconnect to the internet all they want. But to do that for most DSL connections is a bit of a chore - and ISPs often assign the same IP for days in a row anyway for (dynamic IP) home users.

It's just a deterrent for spam. The next level up would be to make a GoogleID or OpenID mandatory for commenting. But at this moment i dont think it's necessary.

Anonymous said...

Ezra, wats with the agitation against the anonymous crew? u do kno there is an option for anonymous author right? anyways, who cares, they make VERY good points and isnt tht wat the comment section is for?
anyways, to the point...
i agree with anonymous 1,2 and 3... u can always offer to help and wats to say tht with u not going home ur actually gonna go out and find company? wats to say tht ur not gonna sit bak, grab a cold one and enjoy the view? u gotta be proactive in nature not reactive... make the first move...
jst cause u deprive urself of company does not mean ur gonna go out looking for it, u may jst find tht the world is a nasty place and retreat further from it... best thing to do is go bak, hang round with friends and take on the world together... or, in ur case, meet new people... tht way it will be less daunting...
so wat if u dont have a car... wat did u use to do wen u didnt even have a driving license? get a lift with ur rents or borrow the car for an evening. here's a thought, get a friend to pick u up and pay gas money or something if its that far.. or call a cabby... there are ways around it...
it seems like ur jst trying to find excuses so ur blog post is justified...
btw, what is the purpose of ur blog? cause if its jst to analyse urself and ur ways then ur jst gonna put urself down... go out and have fun and jst wing it...

p.s. if this post sounds messed up its cause im slightly tipsy... but i will come bak!!

p.p.s. when life gives u lemons, make lemonade but when life doesn't give u lemons... PLANT A LEMON TREE!!

p.p.p.s. im gonna say im anonymous but im not the anonymous ppl above... so dont delete

ezralimm said...

nah. got nothing against anonymous posters. The only posts i've ever deleted were hawking cheap ED pills.

The above anonymous posters tried to claim that they were different people... well, they were at least using the same computer that I can say. They didnt even bother to clear their cookies (yes, your surfing is being tracked --> that's how i know how many return visits i get each day) before posting comments minutes apart.


Now, back to your point: You can argue to the cows come home that the environment a person is in does not influence his/her psychosocial development --> the reality is that it does do so to a great extent. This has been proven over and over --> see any uni level psychology textbook for more details.

Having too many amenities and services freely available promotes complacency.

Sure, there are exceptions to the norm such as the poor kid who climbs up the social ladder or the nerd who becomes a jock (as you often see in movies). Reality is quite different and let's just say that I have all the reasons to believe that environmental factors strongly influence the development of an individual.

It's not about making excuses. Im just sharing my experiences and attempting to modify my environment to better suit my life goals. All I can say is that it works for me. I respect that you may differ in opinion on this matter.

The bottom line is that everyone will believe what makes them feel good about themselves. How inline it is with the truth determines to some degree the level of success that person will achieve in life.

Time will tell.

Titus Tang said...

Your post seems to be getting quite some attention eh? ;)

ezralimm said...

oh yeah.. im awesome :)

Kakami said...

Your post...

it's a bit odd...

You think you'd get a 'reasonably attractive' woman by getting all good-looking? becoming emphatic?

lemme tell you this, you'd be surprised by how fast some women look past all that.

If you want something worthwhile, you gotta work on YOU. Not your environment.
Women look for relationships that work or that has potential to develop.
She might check you out if you're nice to look at, but she'll see you if you're WORTH looking at which does not necessarily refer to your physical aspect.

You have to be genuinely interested. Not because you think you're gonna get something from behaving that way. It's pretty insulting.

I think when you like someone, you'd want to know everything about them, so you know, dont fret if you dont feel particularly interested. Yet. It's normal.

you could start with that in mind every time you meet people. Start with a neutral impression then build it up. It works good for me.

one more thing: you gotta have more confidence dude...and you know, people are generally worth discovering

ciao and all the best

ezralimm said...

Ok, in simple english:

1) If you are unattractive, the people whom you are attracted to and "want to know all about" will not be attracted to you and "want to know all about" you.

2) If you are attractive, the people whom you are attracted to are MORE LIKELY to "want to know all about" you.


--------------------------------
You have to be genuinely interested. Not because you think you're gonna get something from behaving that way. It's pretty insulting.
---------------------------------
What are you suggesting? I AM NOT DOING THIS TO SCORE WITH A GIRL. I am doing this to stand a reasonable chance of building a relationship with a woman I find reasonably attractive.

-------------------------------------------
If you want something worthwhile, you gotta work on YOU. Not your environment.
--------------------------------------------
Like... DUH. First and foremost, I work on myself. THAT IS IMPLIED. You're not the first dolt who seems to think environment does not make a difference. Well, let me give you a simple example that you may well comprehend: Eg. Can you easily study in a busy pub? No. Can you easily study in the library? yes. Can you easily gain independance when you're pampered in your parents house? No. Can you easily gain independance when you're forced to care for yourself? yes.

Kakami said...

hahahahaha man.

You cant divide the world into the attractive, reasonably attractive, ugly etc.

It doesnt work that way. You're too obsessed with the physical attributes of both yourself and the people around you.

you made point 1) an absolute too. So I'll tell you this, you're WRONG.

as for point 2), so what? You gotta accept the fact someday that there are some people more attractive than others. It will ALWAYS be that way. It's reality. And I'm sure you've heard it a thousand times, tho im also sure you've not understood it yet. Beauty is SUBJECTIVE. it's an opinion.
You're probably attractive to someone right now but you're too obsessed with undoing your "unattractiveness"....and please do burn those psychology books, they're still just opinions.

I dont think environment doesnt make a difference. In fact, i think it makes quite a lot of difference. I think it's more REASONABLE (you're favourite favourite favourite ambiguous word...) to change yourself than to tackle the ENVIRONMENT.
Ever considered that changing for the better isnt changing only to be better looking? Because your posts SCREAM that.

And yes, I can easily study in a pub. That's all very subjective....

No no no, of course you dont wanna SCORE with a girl....I wasnt telling you how anyway. 'get something' doesnt ALWAYS mean 'to score with some chick'.
Its just that, as a lady myself, you sound like every other guy with an ulterior motive...

I think your want to be genuine about becoming emphatic & interested etc is fine. Shows that you do realise that inner-development is just as important. Although, honestly, all this constant harping on looks wont get you far.

ezralimm said...

_____________________________________________
It doesnt work that way. You're too obsessed with the physical attributes of both yourself and the people around you.
_______________________________________________

Nah, i think we should agree to disagree on this one. Suffice to say that in my meandering experience, I have reason to believe that the two statements are true. I respect your opinion if you believe otherwise. Could we at least agree that:

Beautiful people get more attention and; people are more likely to engage / be_associated_with beautiful people.

___________________________________________
Ever considered that changing for the better isnt changing only to be better looking? Because your posts SCREAM that.
____________________________________________
A: Yup. I've mentioned it again and again. It's about developing an interest in other people. This blog is a place where I rant and whine. If im thinking about coffee when i blog then coffee it is. I've put alot of effort, mental and physical, into trying to make myself eat more (2500 calories a day, up from an anorexic average of 1300) and hence I will blog about it quite a bit. There are other topics that I am passionate about, but unfortunately, it is a policy of mine not to disclose any opinions about religion or politics in t his blog.

"an absolute too."
____________________________________________
erm, what is an absolute "too"?


____________________________________________
Its just that, as a lady myself, you sound like every other guy with an ulterior motive...
____________________________________________
I feel that sex is part and parcel of a normal loving relationship. Will elaborate on this in further posts - stay tuned.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ezralimm said...

Post deleted. I respect your opinion but please avoid obscenities. Not only does my mother read this blog, but I've got to protect it's google pagerank too.

Looks arent everything. See caveats section at: This Post

Anonymous said...

ur ma reads the blog?
chooo cutee. besides, the obscenity was more of a saying...
like illegitimus non carborundum... i just translated it into english for you.

medical students dont read much...they don't appreciate good literature now do they :(

Anonymous said...

your face is ok and your body is fine, not fat. even slightly fat men are not desired. women want an unattached guy first and foremost, then reasonable looks, good character and not in financial trouble. Don't fool yourself that a higher bmi n ability to click are making you unattractive.

ezralimm said...

_______________________________________________
even slightly fat men are not desired.
_______________________________________________
I was not "slightly thin". I was very thin - even by WHO standards, having a BMI of under 16.5 is considered severe malnourishment regardless of ethnicity or age. Note that the BMI scale is logarithmic. The difference between a BMI of 16.3 and 19.5 for a person my height is over 10kg! There is not much difference between a guy who has a bmi of 22 and 23 (the averages for asians and caucasians respectively). However, as you approach the extremes of the scale (<17 and >25), malnourishment and obesity become very apparent.

_______________________________________________
women want an unattached guy first and foremost, then reasonable looks, good character and not in financial trouble.
_______________________________________________
True. Its simply that the attractive women have many "unattached" guys going after them - hence I need to stand up above the competition to stand a realistic chance. You said it yourself, looks is a factor - a figure that is disproportionate suggests poor health and is sexually unattractive (eg too fat or thin).

I suppose we can agree that women notice the "good character" of guys who are physically attractive more than the "good character" of guys who are physically unattractive. In the same way guys see all the good things about the pretty girl in class.


_______________________________________________
...a higher bmi n ability to click are making you unattractive.
_______________________________________________
woot. It's like me saying: "...a slim hourglass figure and easy going attitude makes a girl unattractive".

Anonymous said...

sorry. meant to say 'attractive'.

Anonymous said...

Ezra,

The same old person in 2008 has not changed in 2010..still fighting all those anon replies and believing he is right. That's why you are not getting the chics.

Oh yeah, Ezra, you should work on your manners.

And stop thinking about girls, trying to get a girl, trying to be "some competitive shit" and procreating..you still too young for that..Besides, nothing else to think about in your life is it? You FREAK!

Stop checking the IPlogs...You are not the best in computer tech, dont try to act smart..IP Logs dont say much about the different posts except for the fact that they come from the same region or country. If you can find out to the detail who's replying, based on IP log and stats, you will not be here. The security guys would employ you by then, hence solving your career issues.

ezralimm said...

What the hell are you talking about?

Im pretty busy in real life, and I blog as a hobby. Some people watch TV. Some people read. Some people collect stamps. I blog. If you have a problem with that something's wrong with you.

I am trying to be as successful in the game of life as possible, and part of the game of life involves building a stable loving relationship with a woman who is worthy. That's all really.


You dont "try" to get a girl per se. You strive to be the best you can be. Success in life. I dont see why it's wrong to recognize that one of the reasons to be successful in life (for men) is to be successful in the game of love.

I respect if you think differently but that is my view and I hope you could respect it.

This blog post is quite old (2008) and currently, after overcoming my eating disorder, I am alot more sociable (more energy? less depressed? i dont know...) and no longer worried about being unable to find someone acceptable by my standards.

I check IP logs every few days. They give a good indication of the demographics of readers. For example right now (8/6/10) I think my blog has been posted on facebook or something (for good or bad) and I've been getting lots of linkouts from facebook. I also discover who's linking to my blog via the IP logs. If you have a website I recommend you to try it. Im using Statcounter, it's free and I'd recommend it to anyone.

ezralimm said...

And yes, Anonymous... Given that you obviously know alot about IP Logs, you should also know about cookies. And yes I have deleted your hateful comments in other blog posts.

And stalking my picasa albums... what a wanker. I have a life... it's you who needs to get one.

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