Fear. Once instilled it is present in the subconscious. Sneaky. Illusive. Subtly, it affected my deeds and actions. My mindset. I think alot...fear crept into my thoughts. Violent fear. Irrational fear. An absence of perspective. Just fear. Unjustified fear. Unneeded fear. Fear that consumed me. Fear that ruled my thoughts. Fear that led to hateful, childish thoughts. Fear I never realized I had...until now.
But the truth caught up with me. The healthy dose of reality that came with my new found freedom in university made me realize what fear has done to me. Fear instilled by those dearest to me. Fear instilled by the ones whom society dictates we should trust.
I am not stupid. I will not let fear rule my life. Truth is truth. Yes, in truth, some things are meant to be feared. But let the fear be justified and put into perspective. I no longer fear the fear. Irrational and violent thoughts be gone.
It took effort and time to realize what the fear had done to me. To my mindset. To my way of thinking. Effort that included mental effort, my use of my brain to consciously focus on what needed thinking.
My mind is now aware of the fear. My life will now have to catch up. All the time wasted away. Meaninglessness. Wasted years. I have a golden opportunity now to catch up. I am 21 and in control of my own life. I have to catch up before the golden years of my youth are over.
Nobody seems to understand. Those whom I turn to for support turned me away. Laughing. Talking only about things they want to hear. "Wasnt the weather nice today". Like something some bloke I'd bump to on the street would say. Predictable. Monotonous. Meaningless.
Perhaps I will write one day about my experiences trying to overcome the fear.